Death Day.

I sorta hate that I'm moved to write after a two year hiatus as a direct result of the pain I'm feeling and can't quite put into words right now. But I'm trying to find the words. Trying to make up the words, at least to describe to me - for me - this sadness I feel. A lot has happened in these past few years. I'm ordained. I just graduated with my Master of Divinity degree. I'm preaching more now. (Can you believe it?) I'm working my butt off and today I feel pressured to be strong, to stay strong while my family makes the decision to unplug life support from my great Uncle, we so affectionately call "Brotherman."

I sat on the phone with my cousin yesterday and just couldn't stop crying. It was the most pitiful cry I've had in a long time. It was like I was standing over myself pleading with myself to get it together. But I ignored myself and kept "ugly crying." I'm admittedly a cry-baby. Little things evoke the deepest emotion from me because I make unnecessary sentimental connections with everything. Or maybe they aren't unnecessary. Maybe just excessive. Either way, I'm a crier. But yesterday was an outpouring. Potentially, not just over the inevitable loss I was about to experience. But this deluge of memories that come pouring back into my mind.

I know God's will is perfect. It just isn't always pleasant. Right now, I'm accepting God's perfect will that feels unpleasant. That feels like simple battery. That feels like someone punched me in the stomach. On top of that I'm having to internalize the reckless words of hateful people. But I refuse to give that any more power in this blog because it isn't worth it.

God never intended for us to die. He never intended for us to experience the pain or anguish of death. Bodily decay and sickness were not his design. But we screwed up. He decided that when we would screw up, he'd send us a kinsman redeemer. Someone to make things right IN THE END. But the damage is done. We still all have to die. We still have to experience pain. We're prone to illness and disease. Heartbreak and hurt. And any glimpse of a resurrection in the bible that Jesus did was God momentarily resetting the natural order of things. Death is what's unnatural. And yet, here we are - dealing with it. I'm dealing - in the worst way possible. because I miss my uncle already.

I went to see him. He shook my hand and let me know that he heard my words of love. When I asked to pray he closed his eyes, held my hands tight and received God's blessing. I'll never forget that. Ever. I thank God that I made the decision to go to him. To see him before he was no longer able to recognize who I was or why I was there.

I guess ultimately, I'm content. But these memories keep warming my face, filling my eye sockets, and causing the absolutely heaviest of tears to fall down my face. This is life, though. Or Death, I should say. Who will hold up the banner for our family now? It's too much to think about.

Goodday.