To Bean

That's what I call you. I know your real name though. And its just as amazing as you are going to be.

You have my skin tone, and your mother's features.

Hair as dark as night and a spirit as gentle as a calm wind. As a child, I would sit in the grass in my backyard and feel the earth beneath me and gaze at the clouds above me. I would just lay there in awe at how great this world is - and how small I am in it. It's that same feeling I get when I think about your existence. Love materialized into human form that is growing, developing every day.

I saw your dance for me. You're gifted - already. A natural performer. I promise to make sure that you have every opportunity to do any and everything that you want to do in this life. Because I just know you are going to be great.

Your heart beat is strong. Don't lose that. Don't lose your love for life - even in the midst of your mistakes and sins. God loves you and has placed you here for his glory. I'll do everything in my power to ensure that you grow up knowing that I'm your papa but that even when I'm gone to heaven you'll have built a firm relationship with your eternal Father. He'll see you through all your days.

I promise to love your mom, unconditionally. To show you what marriage is and how to achieve that for yourself one day. I'm still learning Bean. And I won't stop learning.

I can't wait to do Daddy-Bean sleep overs, days at the park, streetcar rides to the Aquarium, the zoo, and celebrate your birthday in such special ways. My heart just isn't big enough for the love I have for you.

Get ready to fall in love with music and art, languages and most of all, The Lord. I'll do my best to protect you from the world's harsh and unkind people. I hope to teach you to love your enemies and I know your mom will instill in you a genuine care and concern for others. I'm excited about that most.

We're a team, Bean. Never forget that. We'll have your back and we'll cheer you on in whatever it is you want to do in this world. In us, you can be yourself.

Mommy and Daddy love you.

We'll see you soon.

Papa

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

I'm listening to the words of the minister replay in my head - "The trials of today are shaping you into the triumph you'll have tomorrow." I gotta believe this right now because otherwise I'm gonna slump back into the cave I had walked out from a long time ago. I just have to believe that God can fix any problem that I have - as long as I put all my time and energy into doing so on my end. That he knows my heart is different than it was in the past. And that I can humble myself to make right any wrong I've caused.

Just this morning I prayed for God to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. I guess I've received an answer to my prayer.

Lord I have so far to go in understanding this life I'm living. I pray that you remove my ignorance and instill wisdom and knowledge, self-awareness and discernment. Allow me to always reflect preemptively on whether my actions will impact others negatively or if they are based on faulty assumptions. I need you now, Lord. Right now.

-Joh

C'est La Vie

I'm praying so hard to have an enjoyable, peaceful break. But I guess that prayer has fallen on God's deaf ear. hmph.....

It's November... so why not!?!

I've always loved November because it reminds me of how abundantly I have been blessed by God. It's one of those months that always re-centers me on what's important as well as draws me nearer to God. I'm still working building up a year-round attitude of gratitude, but I'm thankful for gentle reminders like November which nudge me into a mindset of appreciation.

With that being said, I've added more things to the list.

1. Friendship - God has given me a true friend to replace the many "yes men" and fake friends I've kept in the past. It's interesting because in a time before these friends, I was easy going, trusting and carefree. But I allowed other people's insecurities in invade my world. I let their half-friendship become an adaptation of mine. So I'm now re-learning how to be a friend and accept true friendship. Particularly, I am thankful for my friend and brother. He keeps me grounded and makes me self aware - even at times when I don't want to be. He gets me to the finish line time and time again, after I may stumble in the race of life. I honestly believe he is heaven sent - a gift of guidance and brotherly love left behind so that I can grow to one day be in a place that God can truly use me. So I thank God for giving me what I need when I need it and didn't know it. It truly makes me desire having a more genuine relationship with others. Not too many others, but a few more outstanding individuals in this world.

2. Pops - Gosh, I miss this guy. But strangely, I feel his presence everyday. The myriad of lessons that he taught me, the walls of my own ignorance that he challenged me to tear down, the wealth of inheritance he has bequeath me through his tough love, wisdom and foresight. I absolutely could not thank him enough. I truly believe that one day, i'll be a reflection of him to the world. What a mighty man of God he was. We'll meet him again, Pops. But in the meantime, I just thank God for his amazing patience and obedience to do what he was called to do before he had to leave this earth. He planted so many seeds of greatness in such a stubborn guy like myself. And I don't mean that in a cocky way. But I am literally STANDING in God's glory for my life! I'm just so thankful to God for him. My life is dedicated to making him proud.

3. My Father - Life events separated me from him early in life. But like any boy, I've always wanted to be just like my dad. In my adult life, I've learned, not only to forgive him, but to be thankful for him being a father to me and a great father-in-law to my wife. His huge heart never ceases to astound me. And his willingness to celebrate me as his son is enough to heal the wounds of the past and create a clean slate for the future. Whenever I have children, I really want them to know and love their granddad. He's a gentle giant who will give them the world. For this, I am truly grateful.

That's all folk.

Tis the season!

Saying thanks makes the difference

I gotta be honest - these posts have become very therapeutic to me. I have felt discouraged, stressed and doubtful in this last week. Reflecting on these posts have really redirected a lot of those feelings and reset my mind in a more positive direction. So, with that being said, here are some more points of gratitude.

1. LIFE Ministry - I've seen so many people believe in my vision for something that could truly change the lives of so many people. And I must admit, I've been more discouraged this week about the ministry than ever before. With so much else going on, I question sometimes if I can manage it all. But I am revitalized in my walk simply by reflecting on how people believe. They believe in me. They believe in God's ability to take this thing to unknown levels. They simply - believe. And that, for me, is enough. I've always had to believe in myself - regardless of the world around me. It's refreshing to have others truly believe in something you have been called to do. And for that, I'm thankful.

2. Trouble - As much as the childlike, care-free spirit in me hates and despises anything that represents trouble or strife, I've come to see how it has shaped me and continues to shape me into a stronger person.

3. Health - For as long as I can remember, I haven't had any major health concerns. A sprained ankle when I was a child, bronchitis for a moment in my teenage years, and a fever once every 15 years (I'm only 30!, lol). So I truly thank God above that he's given me such a true measure of health.

Okay, folk. That's all for now. Enjoy your Halloween. And pray my strength as I work yet another weekend and miss church again. *massive sigh*

fin.

Gratitude Continued

Day 2:

Today, I'd like to express gratitude for three new things. Here it goes:

1. My Mother - many times I reflect over my life and think about the one person who has held me down since day 1 and it undoubtedly has been my mom. She's strong, giving, passionate about what she does, and absolutely hilarious. I pray that I get half the spirit she was blessed with because then I'll be blessed beyond my comprehension. Words can not express the love I have for her. She's had my back - even in adulthood. My gratitude is endless for her.

2. Renewal - I went through a period of great loss in my life, after seemingly being the person in my friend-group who had amassed the most success. Though all material possessions, I had worked hard to create for myself a life that most 23 year olds (from my background) could never fathom. And, just like that, I was stripped down to bare bones. But God kept me through those times. He kept me and he's given me promises of renewal, this time around. I'm more detached from material things but I am excited to see God spill over in this period of renewal for my life.

3. Sound Mind - recently there have been so many suicides/attempts achieved by individuals only a few people personally removed from my knowing them. The sheer thought that tomorrow doesn't exist is frightening. I can't imagine believing the lie of the enemy in such a way that it makes me now want to live - and moreover, take my own life. So, I'm thankful for a sound mind. One that, even as the world crumbles around me, allows me to never consider the worst alternative. That is indeed a blessing.

I'm liking this experience.

fin.

Focusing on love

The devil has tried to divert my mind in such a way that I can not appreciate what God has given me, placed in my life, blessed me with.

I recognize your false tricks for what they are and I've decided to combat this by actively going against what I see in front of me and use my faith as a key to releasing myself to the will of God.

Starting today I am introducing more prayer into my daily regimen, focusing on gratefulness and thanksgiving. I've also decided to actively pray for others and not myself. Too often do I use my prayers to focus on my own struggle but I know there are people out there dealing with greater, more intense issues. As with reading, the more one prays, the stronger your ability to pray becomes.

So today I am pledging to show the Lord gratitude for 3 new things daily until I notice the habit of my prayers changing into this type of expression naturally. I've also decided to open my heart and show more vulnerable, unguarded love.

Pray with and for me.

Today - I am thankful and grateful for:

- God changing my life: I was on a road to disaster, engrossed in sin and traveling on a road straight for hell. Then he turned it. He loved me enough to give me the option for change. And I'm thankful for that - more than anyone could understand.

- Pharmacy: As stressful and crazy as school has been, I thank God for honoring my decision to become a pharmacist. I can remember the date I got my acceptance letter and called my mom to tell her. But I couldn't get a word out because I cried just that much. It's been so many tears shed between that time and now - some in response to stress and others just in pure gratitude. Either way, I've been made strong through it all. Extremely strong.

- My wife: She's patient, extremely thoughtful, protective and kind. She's talented, beautiful and sexy. She's gifted, creative and truly an amazing spirit. I have such a great desire to shower her with all the pleasantries this life has but I first want her to experience the love I have to give - as it hasn't been shared with anyone ever.

Just typing this makes me so grateful for everything God is doing for me. I'm overwhelmed by his goodness and mercy. Little ole Joh! Let the gratitude challenge begin!

This Morning

usually I love Thursdays.

but this one, I'm just not sure about.

i want so badly to start speaking greatness into the atmosphere today but I just don't feel great. I feel annoyed, stifled and ignored.

i pray things get better. Until then, I'll just fake it.

i really need a vacation or a guy's getaway.

fin.

God's Grace

Today I'm thankful for God opening my eyes to his hand working to provide the increase in my life. It's pretty astounding, actually.

This is what happened: I prayed and asked The Father to open a door for me to be able to provide for my family. I decided to do my part and initiate some action that would align me with opportunity. NO SOONER than I did that, God came through with open doors.

I'm sure this has happened in my life time and time again. However, THIS TIME, I witnessed it for exactly what it was. And I'm thankful about it.

God is great. I pray that everyone can witness and recognize his love in such a way!

fin.

Break Time....

Its fairly cyclic for me. I start to get dissatisfied (and even annoyed, maybe) by everything New Orleans and everybody here. This discontentment seems to invade my mind to such a degree that I would plan a random trip out of the state (and sometimes, country) in order to re-energize and reboot. But that hasn't happened for me in quite some time. I'm in school - my last year - but the guilt associated with leaving town has only been diminished by a long break like Thanksgiving or Christmas. Other than that, I really haven't left New Orleans.

I need to get away!

It's called the "state of the Sagittarius." We are natural adventurers, childlike in our pursuit of explorative fun and mystery. As we grow, we find ways of squelching our desires in order to function in the real world. But the desire never truly dies. It just lays dormant until times like this - WHEN I JUST NEED TO GET AWAY.

School afforded me a couple opportunities to go to Puerto Rico and Hawaii, both of which were amazing and far enough away that I felt revitalized and ready to return to crazy NOLA.

With such a lull in travel, I'm really starting to feel it. I get overwhelmed by the feeling that all I do is work. My mind begins to focus on the thousand responsibilities I have which then makes me anxious. In the past, I've become crabby. But now, instead, I just shut my emotions down as to not come off like a jerk. But the feeling is real to me. And all I want is a break.

I'm on Fall Break now and it feels like anything but that. I wish I could have gone to visit my sister or hopped on a megabus to Atlanta to visit friends there.

blah.

I'm trying to make the best of it. I know this post sounds pretty pessimistic but I really can't help how I feel right now.

The good news is that, in order to be productive, my mind will make sense of it all and refocus. So the feelings will go away and I'll be back to going through the motions.

It's just right now..... Man!

New Friends

"No New Friends" is a song that has become the mantra for so many people today. I see it on my social media. I hear it at gatherings. It's all over the place. People everywhere are celebrating the fact that their friend groups are strong, loyal, trustworthy. I find myself sitting here wondering had I kept my friend group, I would have totally neglected my loyalty to myself. To my ability to grow and change as a human being. To being true to the person I am today - my values and my character.

And yet, in giving up those toxic relationships, I find myself the in a weird spot. Free from fake friendships but then absent of friends. I've never been the type of person who has been codependent in that way but I realize how much I miss the good times I've shared with my friends.

In having dinner with an old friend, I realized how much I missed having the ear of a friend. Just to sit there and talk, get feedback and feel that interaction allowed me to see that I was missing out on an essential part of the human experience. Sometimes, I just need to vent frustration. Other times, I need the outsider's point of view that will allow me to open my mind to make that paradigm shift. I have a good friend that provides me with that but there are realities of his life and mine that limit the friendship. I've accepted these limitations but it still leaves me at a loss with regards to what my needs are in that way.

So I've released myself of old friends, their habits, and their lives. I wish them well but I had to open space in my heart for new, genuine friends.

So my mantra is "New Friends!" Not a slew but just a tight knit group who has my best interest at heart, that is concerned with seeing everything I'm a part of be successful. Do those people still exist out there? I won't give up on God's ability to bring them into my life. So I guess in the meantime, I'll just have to be patient.

If God has blessed you with a best friend, be thankful for him/her. it's a rarity and a gem to have.

Be in prayer for me.  Please.

fin.

My prayer....

My prayer above all things is for happiness. That my mind be tuned to things that are positive and healthy so that happiness can follow. That I might play an active role in perpetuating my own personal good will. It's indeed my struggle. Right now. But I pray that one day God will answer this prayer.

fin.

Finding Beauty in All Things

As cliche as it is, I've started a project that allows me to get back to a part of me that I lost some time ago. I'm reclaiming the undying optimist, the part of me that fights for the good that I know exists in all of God's creatures and things.

My most recent project is called The Art of Blight. I walk/ride around New Orleans and find areas of the city abandoned by its inhabitants - some from the devastation left behind by Hurricane Katrina. Others, due to a myriad of causes that have allowed paint colors to fade, fixtures to crack and break and foundations to fold under the dominant pressure of time and the elements. And yet, I've allowed myself to find beauty in it all.

I recall on a trip to Egypt when I decided to embrace the local culture and found insurmountable beauty in the downtrodden smiles of the local homeless beggars. Or when I strayed away from the Puerto Rican resort to make the uncomfortable encounter with locals who lived on a weekly allowance less than a days pay of work. Even in this, I was able to find overwhelming beauty and passion. It's the idea of smiling through it all!

This inspired me then and I am reclaiming it now. Each and every house tells a story. I hope to capture this story at a place where most have ended it. With every picture I post, I am resurrecting that joy and optimism within me.

Here's to reclamation of self.

It's about time!

fin.

for pictures, I'd like you to check out my instagram: PharmICEistJoh

A Calling

I listened to a clip of a sermon by Bishop T. D. Jakes today that literally shook the foundation from under me - it was just that powerful. I actually could feel tears accumulate in the pockets of my eyes. Something about knowing that God has called you to do something great in his name just becomes so hard to conceptualize by it feels simply amazing.

Here's the link: 

Post by T.D. Jakes Ministries.

I don't know what God has called me for but I know it's something big. In offering a bit of clarity, I'm not at all looking for the glory. But how outstanding is it to know that God has chosen somebody like me to do his work?

My Pops would tell me "Son, don't question 'why' the Father chose you. Instead, think 'why not me'" So, it's with that confidence, standing in God's glory for my life, that I take up this cross and bear it.

Will I make mistakes? Absolutely. If nothing else, marriage has shown me how to humble myself to the idea of messing up. My saving grace is that God paired me with someone who truly understands forgiveness - so I make it out of mistakes pretty well.

Will I stray? I hope not. But I am human and I am stubborn. My faith walk isn't nearly as narrow as I'd like it to be but I am farther along this journey than when I started.

The words still resound as I type this: God didn't make a mistake when he called you....

My, my, my....

fin.

Tunnel Vision

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

One of the areas of struggle in my life that I continuously pray that God help to mature is that of my vision. Not so much what I see with my eyes, though that vision is slowly becoming fuzzier with age. But instead, I am referring to my spiritual vision, that which can see the handwork of God through a spirit of gratitude - rather than a spirit of scrutiny. Sometimes I feel like I have put on scuba gear, as I swim in the sea of God's blessings, seeing only what passes in front of the swimming goggles I have on. 

I've evaluated what's the source of my self-limitation. Could it be that I am not appreciative enough? Have I not humbled myself to the will and power of God? Am I just a close-minded Christian stuck in a childish view of the master? I'm not sure. But, I know from addicts who are in twelve step programs, that admittance is the first step in the journey to growth and change.  

So where do I stand with my current struggle? It rests in the fact that I try to limit God by putting human parameters on God's works. Let me use an analogy to explain: I ask for ice cream. God gives me a banana split because it has ice cream, bananas and the caramel topping I love. I am still looking around for ice cream. 

Get it? 

See, I don't want to put limits on God, or allow my mind a space to try to predict the type of blessing God has in store for me. The scripture says he can do exceeding, abundantly ABOVE all that I can ask or think, and yet I struggle in both thinking (too much) when what I am asking for doesn't appear in the form I would have liked it. 

Well, I'm over it. Time and time again, God has shown me that his faithfulness to me is completely rooted in love - a love that surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. Though my imperfections would drag me to hell, he still finds a way to love me - with no effort and its renewed every second. 

My prayer: Father God, you know me best. In those times where my perspective is clouded by anticipation, anxiety, expectation, and limitation, I ask that you give me peace and clarity. That you always remind me of how to praise until I witness the break through. How to know that when its far beyond anything I could have thought, it's you. I don't know me as well as you, my creator. So I ask you to enter beyond the veil of my free will and be the catalyst within me to motivate my peace and contentment. Also Father, allow me to be a major blessing to others, before, during and after I have received your abundance. Allow me to sow seeds in everyone I meet that will grow into a curiosity within them drawing them closer to you. I know your major concern with us here in this realm is our relationship with you. I want to grow - pass the tests - and receive ALL that you have promised for me. 

Amen. 

Be in prayer, with and for me guys..... 

fin.

I miss my pops...

At this very moment, I need your advice, your insight, your gift.

but you're gone.

Right Now. Today.

It's extremely easy for me to focus on that over which I have no control. Or those things I find myself deficient of in light of those around me. But who wants to live that kind of life?

I've always seen this as the eternal flaw of the over-achiever.

Therefore, I've made a choice. One that will sustain me through this life, through my interactions with others, and within the confines of my own faith. I've chosen to give it up to the Father.

Don't believe for a second that this is easy for me. Or that I am so willing to "leave it all at the altar" - as the mothers of the church would say. But, as I bargain with the ideas of faith and worry, the former allows me to release a burden of stress, while the former will assuredly kill me before I'm able to walk into my promises as a husband, father, career professional, etc.

I'm not where I want to be in my life. Honestly, I've lost my outlook on what actualized goals will allow me to see indicators of success, some form of signal that I'm at least making progress. I need to go back to the drawing board on that one. Once I've conjured that list of ideas,  I'll then leave THOSE THINGS at the altar.

Don't misinterpret me. I know faith without works is dead. So, I know that I've got to change my game up. I've got to work more. To work out more. To work smarter. I've got to begin to use my brain to get me through these goals. I've got to sacrifice sleep and energy to become the person I want to see myself as in the next 10 years.

I need to be specific. Thorough. Patient.

I have to position myself to be in the right place at the right time so that opportunity has no choice but to find me. I need this universe to bend at my will so that all that the Father has in store for me, I inherit in ways I could never imagine.

So, as I said - I'm giving it over to faith. I'm taking the road less traveled and meeting my fears face-to-face.

Today. Will. Be. Different.