An Open Letter to Madison

I've imagined your face time and time again, written your name in my passwords, dreamed of how you will politely wipe your grits off your mouth instead of spitting like other children. And yet, amidst my dreams and faith that you'll be here with us soon, I forgot about you. And for that baby girl I'm sorry.

I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I became my own worst fear - the potentiation of fatherlessness to an underserving soul. It was there, between the shadows of doubt and confusion that I let my own mind begin to sink deeply into a place where you existed less and less - where time ran its course only to have you not appear in my life. 

I owe you my sincerest apologies. 

In fact, I'm better now. And my love for you is no different today than what it has ever been. I am more excited now about your first words (which should be daddy). Or your little embroidered blankets that will smell like you. Those cat eyes you will inherit from your mother. The silky, jet black curly hair that I'll learn to comb one day. The way you grab my cheeks and "zer-berk" me. Your first tooth. First step. First spelling bee. First Christmas. First birthday. First community service project. first trip out of the country. First time interacting with other babies your age. Graduations. Rites of Passage. Being a big sister to your brothers. Those daddy/daughter moments we'll share over and over again. 

All of it. 

I've decided that you and your mother are worth my faith, my belief that I can't see Marriage or fatherhood in my present but I know for a fact that it is in my future. 

I've decided to put in 100% so that, God-willing, I can get that much and potentially more out of this experience. It is true what they say "you get from something what you put into it." So I'm choosing to be all in. I have a ton of stuff to learn and a million more mistakes that I'll make. But I promise you I'm here for you. I'll work hard to make sure you have a life that other children envy. I'll work on myself so that you always see my smile careen through any situation - because, baby girl, I'm choosing the joy of faith rather than the despair of doubt. 

I look forward to meeting you. And I'm choosing to immortalize this contract between us so that I'll always have a reminder that I made the choice for family. 

Love you Madison, 

Daddy. 

Grace, Mercy and Peace

Sometimes, I stand in awe, still wondering why God saw fit to save me from a life of sin and selfishness and usher me into a world where I have inherited just a taste of what he's capable of providing. It's simply amazing. I listened to the words preached by my pastor today and it truly put things in perspective. God, through prayer, offers his children three gifts: grace, mercy and peace.

Grace - God's blessings to us in spite of the fact that we don't deserve it. Mercy - God's covering over us to ensure his divine will for our lives is realized rather than what the world would have our legacy become. And Peace - the stability of mind, body and soul that comes from God alone. I just get overwhelmed with thankfulness in light of knowing what could have happened if I wasn't willing to let God answer my prayers.

I must admit - it hasn't been easy. There have been so many lessons that I've had to learn along this journey, so many ways I've had to humble myself in order to fully see the Father's love for me. But I'm taking it one day at a time and letting God's will take precedence.

Tonight, I want to pray for some of my friends out there who may not have anyone to pray for them. That they may experience God's love and respond in light of it. That they understand that even in the midnight hour, God can turn it around and make it work out in their favor. There's such a joy in my heart. I truly do believe in God's love and I want others to know it as well.

Here's to a great week. Be prosperous, be blessed, experience God's love.

fin.

Love Like No Other

We had been discussing the time frame for the wedding, noting a possibility for an August date. She simply turns to me and says, "I really would like to be married to you by then."

A familiar feeling met me at the end of those words - the warm sensation that travels from my wrist to my heart. But this time, there was a coolness that rested in my chest. It was pure happiness and appreciation. 

No one had ever said anything so nice to me in my life. It was genuine. And every part of my being could feel it - could connect with it. I could feel tears well up in the crevices of my eyes waiting for a release that was halted by the wide smile my face had created in response to those humbling words.

She loves me. And I don't understand why. 

If I had to carve out the man I would have for her, it wouldn't be me. The finest marble pulled from the most ancient, majestic tombs of Egypt aren't rare enough for her. She deserves the absolute best. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't doubt God's plan in choosing me. I know I'll grow into the man she needs me to be. But I still stand in amazement at the fact that another human being can love me so fully and authentically. It truly serves as my reminder that God's love is far beyond anything I can think of or imagine. 

Those words caught my attention. God spoke through her. He showed me his unconditional love by using her to be a beacon of romantic love. For this, I'll forever be grateful. 

I've used the words "I love you" before and they have held no more than the weight of the lightest feather. But I say them now with my whole heart. I can't wait to be married to her much longer either. It's almost as if a part of me is missing. 

I reflect back months ago - looking in the mirror at the person who had given up on the idea that he would be a husband - and maybe one day a father. To turn to my reflection today, I see that the devil had indeed tricked me. He never wanted me to hear the words that have changed my life - her words of truth and love. 

Well, God has the final say. I've submitted my free will to his divine will in faith that he will lead and guide me to be the man she needs for the rest of eternity. 

I can truly say "I love her" and furthermore, "I'm in love for the first time in my life." 

Thank you Father for being greater to me than I could ever be to myself. 

fin. 

Losing teeth

I liken my experiences to that of losing teeth. We all of to do it. It's become somewhat of a unofficial rite of passage. However, there's more to my interpretation than simply losing what was temporary and gaining anew.

Think about it. We all lose our first set of teeth - not barring their condition upon the loss. Some of us have near-perfect "baby" teeth, where losing them is simply a process of growth. For others, the release of rotten, misshapen, and/or unhealthy teeth signals a renewal.

Either way, we all lose teeth.

Where I am right now in my life is existing in a place were I have been renewed, given a brand new set of teeth, so to speak. A chance at a new life. In reflection, I can see how God has taken me from being a single, spoiled, selfish know-it-all to a more open, trusting, loving man. And yet there are some who stand to serve as a reminder of my "old teeth."

They use whatever tools they can to tear you down. You'd think they had never lost teeth themselves.

I'm constantly challenged by this. A wise preacher once told me, "You pay for sins and you pray for your sins." I can deal with that. What I have to learn is how to deal with the repercussion of having those "old teeth" but also not falling into a space where I can't at all recognize my new ones.

I stand in God's glory. Nevertheless, I am human and I fall into a place where I doubt whether this journey is truly mine. I need reminders that he's covering me, that he hasn't forsaken me. And where usually I am strong, I have moments where I am but a child - scared, hesitant to grow, nervous.

I can't let it shake me too long or too much though. It's exactly where the enemy would have me to be so that I forget what my calling is. I can't forget that no matter how I gained these new teeth, I was still blessed to have some.

So, I'm taking a mindset of thankfulness, instead of sadness or fear. I'm letting the father's eternal love draw me nearer to his promises, rather than cause me to doubt.

Ye tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

fin.

Becoming whole again

I awoke from the deepest slumber - numb, delirious, confused. At first frightened, my eyes began to focus; pictures and scenes come into view. They are all comforting faces. Familiar, though I have never met them. I am here.

Smiles celebrate my arrival. She holds me so affectionately. I will come to know her as my mother. A love like hers was unique. She would come to sacrifice much of her life to help me to become the man I am today. To grow and change and realize that my life was not my own. The example she set would draw me to find one whose back could bare the burden of childbirth, whose heart could amass a love and spirit of forgiveness that only the creator could endow one with. Whose kindness would fashion sincerity in the lives of those whom it touched. But, something was missing.

Many times throughout the life that was created for me, I'd ask friends and family to examine my side - to identify the scar that stretched from my breastplate and wrapped around to meet at my spine. And while my supporters believed my story of vacancy and absence, none could identify the scar that only I seemed to notice. It was there, though. Deep, intense, and real. But - only to me.

So, I hid.

That scar of imperfection disappeared in my mind just as much as it was invisible in everyone else's. I fought against my destiny - so I thought. I put up pretense to heal that scar with the unfulfilling love of others. None of it worked for me. And so I prayed. I asked God to lead me, take my pain away. Heal the scar and allow me to grow into the man he would have me to be.

And then I had an encounter that changed my life forever.

One day, after the chaos of life had begun to settle, I stared across the table into the eyes of one who made my years of hiding that scar seem like only seconds of embarrassment. Something was different, but familiar about her. Aside from her striking beauty and wonderful personality, she possessed a passion for life that literally made me feel whole. She was intelligent, driven, understanding and keen. Her business sense was uncanny, second to none. She would later reveal to me that she too had a scar, in the same place as mine.

It was then that I realized who she was in my life. It was in that initial slumber, so many years ago, that I could hear her voice, a creation begot from a rib of my side. One who would compliment me in so many different ways that being with her, in her presence, felt like a reunion with a life long friend. The scar had been God's reminder to me that I should never forget his promise to me. Even in eternity, he purposed for me to have her as my companion for life. This explained why no one else could see it. It was a door God had opened for me and her. No one had a right to what was destined to be ours.

I know now why life just didn't feel right before her. I needed to find my rib, to become whole again. When she's happy, so am I. When she hurts, I share her pain. When the world looks to harm her, I am to step in the way and protect her.

We.

Are.

One.

Everyday, we grow stronger, perfecting ourselves and perfecting the "we" God wants us to become. It truly is a blessing to be given a new life - an answered prayer that would become my blessed reality.

Proverbs 18:22
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD

fin.

Daily Bread

"Alone in a room. It's just me and you. I feel so lost, that I just don't know what I'm gonna do. So I'm crying out - crying out to you Lord. I know that you're the only one who is able to pull me through. So, I need to talk to you. And ask you for your guidance. Especially today, when my world seems so cloudy. Guide me until I'm sure. I open up my heart."

I open up my heart.

No fancy phrasings or intricate superficial sentence structure to get my point across this time. Just the lyrics that speak to my heart.

I crave the Father's voice. I truly hope I'm not missing it. Until I know, I'll continue to pray for clarity, understanding, answers.

I. open. my. heart.

fin.

Her.

Today I saw her - in a way that I've never seen her before. She was happy, extremely happy. Her smile as wide as the Mississippi. Her eyes glistening with love and affection.

She was pregnant.

Carrying our baby girl, who tries to escape the wedding dress that adorns her milky, rich brown skin. We are dancing. I look into her eyes and there's a feeling that hits me - just above my breast plate. An energy, a hot sensation that crawls up my throat and lays down in the corners of my eyes. I'm moved to tears. There's a thankfulness, a gratitude that I just can't put into words. She's the most beautiful, precious gift God has created - and she's ALL MINE.

There's a sense of accomplishment present as well. Pure victory. I recognize that there are some who think of me as their enemy. Some whose lies to self have caused them to develop an unwarranted jealousy for us. On top of that, the enemy is NOT pleased. At all. And yet, we're here. We are victorious. We are ONE.

I've never seen it before, until now - an innocent run in the open park turned into a Godly vision.

I had to run today. I had to see what God had in store. I had to be given the vision of truth to dispel the tricks that the devil laid in front of me.

I'm a new man. I'm working harder. I'm MANning up!

I can't wait to see what God has in store.

fin.

The Challenge of Faith

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for. the evidence of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

I pray for so much. CORRECTION. I pray a lot. And yet, it seems like I have received no answer. Maybe my prayers are too big. Maybe I am not putting forth the works to bring my faith to life. I'm not exactly sure.

Don't get me wrong. I've been blessed with so much. God has literally given me a new life, a glorious existence that I can thrive in, dwell in confidence - and start over. What has come with this new life is the urge to be a strong man, a provider, a husband, a father (to-be), and a lover. But my reality (right now) is that I can't really do much of that.

Years ago I made the crucial decision to leave my job as a teacher and become a pharmacist. What came with that dream was the reality that I would lose my income, my health insurance, my financial solvency.  It wasn't a decision made lightly and I have had an amazing experience - stress not considered - thus far.

But, here I am.

I have an amazing new family, people who have talents that are true blessings from God. Their talents are so great that it has given them fame and fortune and has built them strong positive reputations. And while I stand in God's glory for my my ability to be just as great as them, I must admit, sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel subpar. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me. I know that God has a lesson for me in all this.

This is my truest test of faith.

I used to be mean. Verbally demeaning. Arrogant. Ungrateful. All tools I used to assert my talents, to force others to acknowledge that something was special about me. However, being in this family is humbling. Because everyone is truly great. Great in a way that empowers others, that helps those who help themselves, who love in a way that teaches the downtrodden to become strong, generationally free from curses, and elevated to a new level.

But where does that leave me? I have a lot to give but I really don't think I've worked hard enough. So, I've decided to throw myself in the flame, faith in tow - hoping that God will refashion me to do his work but also cover me, especially when the heat is too intense.

This is the vow I make to myself. God wouldn't have called me out of darkness only to sit in the shadows. For now, I'll continue to pray and praise God in the meantime. I'll continue to work as hard as I can to be the man I'd like to be.

I'm trusting you Father. I'm officially offering myself to be used by you. It's hard. I can't lie. But I'd rather take the leap of faith than steps in fear.

adieu.

The Reflection of my Tears

Have you ever tried to bottle up your tears? It's an almost impossible feat. Yet, with the many facets of life, the fact that tears fall from your eyes is no coincidence at all. 

Joy and sadness reside there. So too, do anguish, fatigue, surprise, and happiness. But with eyes, so fragile, having witnessed all that God has blessed us with, they eventually need a release. WE need a release. 

Recently, I denied my eyes their freedom, enslaved them selfishly to hold on to the memory of one who I had so affectionately called "Pops." He was my spiritual father, my mentor, an older version of my younger self. We had similar struggles, battles that only God-provided mentorship and guidance would alleviate. It was in him that I was able to take the longest looks in the mirror and find joy, hope, and glory amidst all my lies, self-hate, doubt, and pretense. Pops helped me to become a man - of God. And my watery eyes told the story. 

It was a story I was not at all willing to share with this world, escapism at its best. I wouldn't release him until I had to, until I had the closure I needed, yet, dreaded. See, I had grown somewhat accustomed to Pops' presence. I depended on him for so much. But in the end, God reminded me why I am strong - why Pops was placed in my life in the first place. It was to his Glory, to his end. Pops was simply a vessel. And while I believe God's gift was fatherly love through the man that Pops was to me, he reminded me through our last correspondence that our relationship was only (physically) temporary. I could keep the love, but I had to let go of the man. 

And so tears came. They flowed. In a harsh outburst. Runaway slaves from an emotional captivity. Initially, I felt like I was abandoning him. But the relief I felt reassured me that I was indeed holding onto the memories but letting go of the physical. 

In those tears was freedom. Freedom to grow, to thrive, to be the legacy of greatness that God ordained and that Pops left behind. They cleansed my eyes, figuratively and literally, so that I could see clearly God's purpose in all of this. 

I released him in those tears so that I could honor him with a clear vision. 

So, I've decided never again to hold onto tears - even inasmuch as it helps temporarily. I can see now. A new day of clarity excites me. I look forward to all that God is preparing me for. 

fin.

From Me to We: A Lesson In Selflessness

The true meaning of psychosis for me has been wanting to be united to the woman of my dreams but never truly considering her feelings, desires, needs, wants, insecurities - nothing! And it fucking sucks. Padded white walls and a straightjacket to keep me confined to a world that only I live in. Something's very wrong with this picture.

For so long, I've battled stage 4 selfishness, a disease that has been deeply inbedded in me for years by way of my environment and my response to (mis)understanding how the world works around me. It started in my mind, spread to my pockets - so that I only give if I get in return. Crept to my heart - so that I only love when there's an emotional gain. moved to my eyes and blinded me to any and everybody that was not me. Paralyzed my legs - so that I'd only move if I 'felt' like it. Even in matters of sex, the disease is so real that my nut alone was the priority - she was just the vessel through which it happens.

If I could describe how I feel, I would say this: imagine yourself in a dark, dank cave - one where only the echoes of your own thoughts and feelings resound aloud. There's no one there to truly comfort you, the emotional moments belong to you and you, alone, and though escape is but a step into the sunlight, you've tricked yourself into thinking that there's some comfort in the solitude of isolation. You're secure because you answer to no one. And in the same breath, you're a walking time bomb, waiting to ruin the lives of those around you.

It's all a lie.

I've made my bed in this tunnel in the safety of never having to be accountable to anyone else for my actions, words, feelings or thoughts. Everyday, I eat the sustinance of egoism, where my motives are self-driven and they only promote what I can get out of a situation - not exactly how I can truly give to others.

Man, that hurts.

It feels like I've been living in a fantasy world, one that I have created and sustained. One that cracks every time I look into the face of the one I love, to see that yet again, when it matters most, I retreated like a coward into that horrible cave.

So, I gave myself an ultimatum recently. It has been to actively work on identifying how I can move from selfish to selfless, or risk losing everything that God has promised me. The saddest part in all this shit is that what I thought was the hardest task ever, is actually not that hard at all.

The reality of selflessness doesn't mean I give up Johmyrin's wants, needs, or reality. It means that you work (hard) to make sure the one you love is placed first in the various aspects of your life. Counter-intuitive, I know. But not actually. She has my back - 100%. She always does what she thinks will make me happy. And in a world where she has me and I have me, NO ONE has her. No one.

I've been given a rare gift in my wife-to-be. She's a bestfriend, a confidant, a supporter, and the future mother of my children. And yet, I have kicked God's gift aside over and over and over again. Because I couldn't see past myself far enough to know what true selfISHness looked like.

My hands are numb just typing this, because the revelation is so clear now. I have true release because I can see clearly that God has given me someone who puts me first - while I never considered her at all.

No longer. I'm going to beat this psychosis afterall. I've decided that I'm putting her first. That way, we'll have each other. WE. WILL. HAVE. EACH. OTHER. It wasn't as clear to me but now I see. The "we" is real. There's no searching outside of one another for comfort, there's no possibility of cheating or abuse. We actually have one another and in that, I am making the move to selfless.

I'm thankful to God above for the transition! And I need to call my wife and let her know. I love her heart - its intertwined with a love that allows us both to be one. I'm taking her lead on this one and fashioning my heart after hers. Essentially, leaving the cave, closing it up and never returning. Let the single people of the world enjoy that lonely space. I was promised more, better, greater! And I plan to inherit these promises.

We.

To the one who knows me best

I'm not exactly sure where to start with this but it's an assignment and I've committed to it. In addressing my 35 year old self, there's so much I want to say but no words in this language to actually accomplish the task. Nevertheless, I will write. Organize my thoughts and write about my life at 35. So, here it goes:

I'm not that much older than when I first received this assignment. I look around with a smile on my face, never truly having imagined that life would be what it is today or what it will be in the future. I've finished my pharmacy degree. Though I am not actually practicing it as my primary job. I own many businesses with my wife - she's so dynamic and supportive. She has funded many efforts of mine. Most of them truly successful. Few others, life lessons. Our financial stability is something that I've always prayed for. We can spend leisurely, donate to charities, bless our neighbors, and go beyond the call of duty and make others' lives easier. People everywhere know who we are. I'm not particularly excited about that, but it seems to be the divine order of things.

We have love. We create love. We go on date nights - even when I travel. We surprise each other over and over again. It never gets old. I'm glad we started that trend as young adults. My wife is active in the church and community. She has such amazing international and national ties. Its a favor I would have never imagined. I've shared in that favor by being able to spoil my wife and children in ways they (nor I) could have ever imagined. She gives me that look on occasion... lol. No more baby making though. We have enough rug rats running around. Our love is sensual though. Intense, sexy and sensual. I can't get enough of it.

Our kids are growing. The boys are five years old and Maddie is two. They're a hand full. So competitive and playful - just fun to have around and open to learning all there is to learn. Madison has so much attitude, like her mother. She's strong willed and independent. I can already tell she'll be a lot to handle as she grows older. They eat healthy foods and love to go on family outings together. Caleb and Aiden are about to start kindergarten and it makes me so nervous not having them in the house as much. Guess I still have my Madison for a few more years.

I'm finding my place in the ministry. My wife has received the call and it's compelled me to do more, a greater work within the church and greater community and world, for that matter. I'm not sure what it is but I hope our television platform can create the resources I need to do those things that make me happy.

My wife and I are physically fit. Losing loved ones has shown us how to better take care of our health, both physically and mentally. We have somewhat successfully transferred this to the children.

We're not living in our ideal home, that's a few years away but we are very comfortable here. Two dogs and space enough for us not to go stir crazy. And yet not too far that we would miss each other or grow estranged.

We have the materials wants of our dreams and our needs are taken care of. We are beginning to do more, be more for more people. It is our calling. It's interesting because those early dreams and wishes have all been answered, blessings have been bestowed upon me beyond my wildest dreams. Everyday hasn't been easy but life is so good - I know only God could have ordained it this way.

I've seen loss. I've experienced hurt over these years but my wife and children are what keep me everyday. They are the reason I smile a genuine smile each and every morning.

This is what young blessed life feels like. Welcome to 35.

Love and Loss

Often we talk about loss in love. May have seen some poor rendition of it on the television. Or possibly, read about it in a crafty self-help book. But even through those elements, nothing teaches one about loss in love until he/she has endured the trauma of such an event or has been blessed enough to only have encountered the "near-loss" experience. Either way, the best teacher, in any case, is loss itself.

I've never loved. Until now. I've never claimed any woman as my own because I never considered them my equal. With the exception of my mother (and I discounted her many times), I've never truly looked into the eyes of a woman and had the security in knowing that she held my heart in the most inner recesses of her soul, protected from all outsiders. My "never" became the biggest lie of my life.

See, I bought the into the hype with a fresh twenty dollar bill. In a world so cold, unforgiving and fake, I told myself that everyone (myself included) were simple cogs in a never ending wheel - puppets with little or no control over our actions and activity. I lied to myself and others in order to keep the IMAGE of my life stable - or so I thought. Underneath it all, I had convinced myself that no one on this planet would accept the real me, human in every way, non-confident at times, stained by occasional bad decision-making. No one was capable to see past all of that. Only God could be that for me, right?

WRONG. sort of.

I've always been a very logical thinker and yet my logic failed me in this particular situation due to my near-sightedness. I believe in God. For the longest time, he's been the only representation of a real father in my life. But I failed to see that the obvious truth in it all: A God so powerful to love me unconditionally could assuredly create a person who would do the same. And to take it a step further, that same God could place in me a spirit of forgiveness that would allow me a renewed love of self, time and time again.

So I was left in a place where what I thought did not add up to my logic. This was my first encounter with accepting the idea of love.

It did not end here. I reveled in the unfamiliar territories of love. True love. Love so good, it could have only come from a loving and forgiving God. Love so genuine, the simple thought brings a smile to my face - it would seem insane to the passer-by. But, on this journey, I carried old baggage, the old way of thinking that I had become so accustomed to. And therein lay my struggle and my introduction to having ALMOST lost the treasure of love.

See, I was selfish. I took from love, drained it. And gave a minimal effort back in return. I hid things from love. And to make matters worse, I lied in order to protect myself from having to give my full 100%. Those same lies of my past crept up and poisoned my mind again, but this time, it threatened everything. In my estimation, love had had enough. It had given me everything and I stabbed it in its face.

It was here, at this crossroads, that I had to make a decision: choose love in its entirety and pray that it would take me back or continue to hide from love and run it away for an eternity.

See, the beauty of love is that even in my fear of choosing it, I never doubted its ability to love me - even through my mistreatment and mismanagement of it. In this I found comfort. More importantly, in this, I found strength to stand up and fight for a love that was mine and mine alone. I can't lie again. So, I won't. I know that this journey in love won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But what I know for a fact is that I am naked, vulnerable and open. It's frightening. But love continues to bathe me in its protection, guard me with its never ending trust, and entice me with its sultry, sexy compassion.

I'm overwhelmed with my decision to choose love. I'd hope that it wouldn't take the reality of loss or near-loss to make me appreciate it.

I can guarantee this, I will continue to fight - until my dying day. Love deserves it. And I owe it to love to make this happen.

I'm reminded of the old saying "You don't know what you got, til it's gone." Learn from me. Know love through my story - through my eyes. Reclaim it, if you've let it go. Accept it, if it is at your door step. Forgive yourself, ask God, our source of love, for forgiveness, and he will assuredly guide you on this journey. Love is there. It's real and present.

Fall in love.