I won't complain...

Last night I said it. I'll probably say it again. You've probably mumbled the words as well... "I don't feel like going to work." Today, as I listened to the radio on my drive to work, I heard the insane statistics of how many Americans are out of work at the moment. Thankfully, Louisiana falls 13th in unemployment rates, but it is still a startling jump from the rates we experienced a decade ago. Kinda put things into perspective for me. I've been fortunate enough to not have to experience such a loss in income. Yet again, favor has been placed in my life. But I do pray for the thousands of folk who are in that particular storm.

Missing You

I'm putting on my Doctoral robes. The fresh scent of anticipation is wet on my nose. I can even feel the heat of the stage lights warming my brow as I cross the threshold into this next stage of my life. The crowd's loud applause serenade my confidence and yet, I look down to see no one. There are thousands of seats and, in them, are faces that are blurred to my best recollection - zigzagged spots emitting sound but not connected to souls. And then, there, to my surprise, I see her. She's been there the whole time, silent and serene. Her smile of pride letting me know that she is most proud. Proud that my living hasn't been in vain. Proud that I have upheld her teaching. Proud that I haven't lost myself or my past in the sea of degrees.

Then her clear, beautiful brown face begins to fade. She doesn't wave goodbye. She doesn't blow a kiss. I need something though. Something to keep me. Something more than her smile to let me know that I am really making her proud. I've never truly cared about anybody's approval except hers. I need... Then, she disappears. And as she leaves, the blurry images become more defined - a crowd of insignificance. I don't even notice that I have received my degree and sash.

I wake up. Tears streaming down my face. I miss her. There's no other explanation. I simply miss her. My grandmother, Agnes Enola Brimmer. So rarely do I talk about her or think about her. But she's always in my heart. It's times when I'm about to reach a milestone in my journey that I think strongly about her and how I wish she could be in the audience - showing me how proud of me she really is. I feel like parents have an obligation to do so. But grandparents come from a different place of love, care and support. Hers was so genuine and I miss it. Even as I type I'm reminded of her sweet potato pies, the days we'd sit and watch soap operas when I was sick from school, the random presents she'd buy me for my academic accomplishments. I just miss it. Man, I really miss it. And to think, as she laid in that hospital bed breathing her last breaths, I was too afraid to say 'goodbye' because I didn't want her to think I had given up on her; she'd never given up on me. But now, I wonder if she knows I miss her and that I love her. I keep working hard to show her that I want a better life. That I honor her through being the grandchild who continues to reach bigger and better goals.

A part of me knows she's proud - but the young boy inside wants his grandma back. I hope to give her a big hug one day in the future. Until then, these dreams will have to suffice.

When did you become ENTITLED?

I teach. And in the midst of that, I try to inspire people to like (or at least appreciate) what it is they're learning. And yet bundled into this package deal of teacher-student reciprocity, I find that there are areas where I am at a complete loss of understanding. There's a disconnect between how I interpreted school as a teenager and how they view it today. In high school, it was never a student vs. teacher mentality - at least not in my mind. I was made to feel like ownership of my education rested in the hands of many different stakeholders, but more specifically, me, my family, my teachers, and my community members.

In a recent conversation with a student, I felt like this disconnect became more apparent than ever. The student seemed to blame me for grades he had earned and thought there was some unfairness there. The reality of the situation is that he failed quizzes connected to reading assignments because he failed to prepare appropriately. Completely his fault. (I never once received a phone call, email or text seeking help but he did text to complain.) In quiet prayer and reflection, I had an epiphany that worries me tremendously. See, when that student spoke, he wasn't just representing himself. No, not at all. But what he did represent was any and everybody who has ever shown signs of staggered growth. It inspired me so much that I sought to observe individuals in my life who showed signs of staggered growth - I, myself, was included in this.

Some interesting re-occurrences started to show face as I took that quiet step back.

Accountability. I worry about this area the most. Because I always felt connected to my school work along with my teachers, there was never a time that my poor performance was not connected to a reason I wasn't ready to fully accept and correct. My students rarely read their text books or seek extra help and yet they are not ready to accept that these bad study habits are not conducive to high performance in my class. Rigor becomes an alien concept. Blame is tossed around. And artificial guilt is imposed as a mechanism that will get students grades to magically change. But who changes the student? How can we draw the invisible line that connects student habit to performance. Reading before class is NOT enough. Looking only at the bold words is a basic study skill. I often times ask myself how will they respond to professors in college. [troubled thoughts]

Attitude. One's disposition toward school can no longer be flight or fight - some contrived survival mechanism where students just want to get out. Was there some change in the last 8-10 years that makes students believe that teachers are enemies and not accomplices. I was taught the importance of connecting with your stakeholders. Some students today simply separate themselves from their teachers. When will education be demystified? I guess this is why when students see teachers outside of school it is any experience similar to an alien sighting.

Use of Resources. Is it a societal mentality or one particular to procrastinating students that causes them to ONLY access tutoring, study sessions, review materials, etc. within days of an assessment? Whatever happened to spreading your work out. Or seeking the internet and other mediums of assistance to help you uncover the challenges one has with content? I keep my phone number on my board along with my email address and I can guarantee that I only get phone calls or texts from 2% of my students - and those are usually the night before an assessment.

These were the top three areas of concern. Parents and community members need to be concerned. These are the individuals who will be applying for jobs on the local and national front. These are the individuals who will be applying to colleges in a very short amount of time. Interestingly enough, these are the adults you work with today. I applied these situations to the work place and we can all identify with people who suffer from a lack of these important 3 qualities on the job. Usually they are not with the company very long.

I am doing what I can and getting the backlash from it. I guess a part of me is worried that I could potentially raise a child who gets sucked into this attitude of entitlement. I suffer from it at times but I am at least conscious of areas I need to improve upon.

I think this was just a venting blog. hmm... any suggestions?

Three Days of Sickness

I sat here complaining about my body ailment when in essence I should have been thanking God. The old Baptist church songs speak of praising God through the good and bad times. And now I know exactly what they mean.

Sickness has a way of putting a lot of things into focus. Who your real friends are. Who you can ultimately rely on. Who hasn't lost their sense of personal care and concern in a McDonaldized society. These are all key components of my perspective that I have come to truly value. But people are fickle, capricious. So I wasn't surprised that the people I check on in their times of need are not the ones I heard on the other end of the phone. New friends and acquaintances wished me well, which was refreshing and reinvigorating. God has a funny way of showing me that he hasn't forgotten about me - even when I feel neglected. Remember my relationship with God mimics that of mine with my birth father. And as this is the model, it is easy to think that God above might be emotionally destitute like my earthly father.

I couldn't be anymore incorrect.

Healthcare. I have it. Unlike the vast number of Americans who are unnecessarily uninsured or underinsured.
Paid time off. Check! I can be at home still "making paper." The comparison here is too inequitable to mention so I won't provide one.
Bills Paid. The luxury and comfort of a home are major pluses. I pray so strongly now for sick folk who are homeless and desperate. God, please provide them with an alternative.
Support System. My parents and extended family are 15-20 min away. I know that this is a luxury I won't have when I move away after pharmacy school. So I am cherishing every single minute of this and Thanking God in the meantime.
Health. My sickness only lasted 3 days. Reports are saying the average right now is 5 days for most individuals looking to bounce back. But I've been working out, eating better, and getting my spiritual game up. These were all arsenal kept in storage just for a time like this. All have played to my advantage.

Off the top of my head, these are all things I almost forgot to appreciate. But I am standing here showing the deepest appreciation for my situation. It was an awakening and I am thankful for it.

With that said, off to post more. I've had a lot on my mind. And it needs to come out!