Our parents meant well. They didn't want us to struggle like they did. Their parents rose out of Jim Crow-isms, bigotry and hatred that most of us have heard about but would find ourselves the black pinata for any side-eyed discriminatory comment of a white man or woman. I don't have to give the history lesson, but its important for me to put this blog into context. Our parents got it hard, because their parents lived hard. We got it easy because our parents got it hard. Generationally, we've seen lighter times. But at what cost?
I remember how my great Uncle got up every Saturday morning, cut his grass, fixed something on his truck, brought my Great Aunt to buy groceries and still found time to enjoy a nice power walk around the block. He did this all while raising 4 kids, holding 2 jobs, and serving as Deacon at the church. He is still alive. His rituals haven't changed. And yet, the thought of this kind of life perplexes me. I am completely disconnected from him and his interpretation of "living life" but at the same time I feel as though I am losing out on some important ideologies. My context of history is found within the confines of books I read on black empowerment and historical surveillance. However, even still I feel disconnected and removed from the experience.
The cold, Post-Katrina night that I was stopped by the cops and harassed SHOULD NOT have been the defining experience that annotated the blackness of my existence in this novel of my life. But it was. I was no better than any other black man, upstanding or criminal. I was black. A black man. And unfortunately, as far as I know it, that's all I can grasp of my blackness. But recently I've been challenged to define my black "male-ness" in the context of a relationship. Going into the challenge, I knew I was at a disadvantage because at any given time in my youth I was only raised by one parent, be it my father or my mother - but not both. And not at the same time. Two doctrines that for the most part meshed well but the places they differed were drastic. So, how do I operate in today's society as a young black man looking to be in a relationship but not truly understanding the black experience? I know other black men struggle with this too. Especially when I think about my students whose frame of reference for black interaction rises out of rap songs and sports superstars. Tragic. But let's bring it back to me. I'm educated, self-aware and looking to grow, and yet, I am still searching for my "green card" of validation in the black world. My uncle gains his validation everyday that he exists and works and fathers and loves. But I don't know where to start. How do I support a family with no frame of reference for the 2 parent household? How do I lead a household like the black man is to do but show the love of my life the humanism and vulnerability that has been engrained in me from my mother? Where is the line of definition between the provider and the comforter? My uncle never has these questions - to my knowledge. He simply glides through his daily rituals unabashed by these concerns. But as I get to the age where I want to settle down, potentially start a family and/or commit myself to THE ONE, I find that I want to be on the starting line trying to weave in all these characteristics.
Mentorship is fine. I definitely have those. But usually they advise me on making academic and financial moves in my life. I am at a loss for guidance in the areas of Black Male-ness, as I have so affectionately and unfortunately come to call it. I see young black men go into relationships unprepared or underprepared and it sends a chill down my spine. I DO NOT WANT THAT. I have been in a situation where I've lost the love of my life. Now, I need to find that love again in someone new and go thru the motions of a relationship not having to feel insecure or inadequate in the tools of intimacy I bring to the table.
I actually feel better verbalizing this because I feel that other young black men are experiencing this. So maybe a reader can direct me in the right direction. Who knows, I may actually come out on top on this issue. Until then, I remain,
Confused and Single.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Schizophrenia of Casual Sex
Human beings have done a damned good job of marginalizing the guy on the corner who, under the stench of many a sleepless night in front of a hotel garbage can, has developed a world within his own mind that is beautiful. violent, serene, and dangerous. You know the guy. The one who you cross the street to avoid. The one whom we can not quite look in the face for fear of attack. The one who talks aloud to no visible creature. The Main St. schizophrenic. He's the guy who PROBABLY once had it all - a stable family, nice car, decent home, financial solvency. And then, (we assume) one day he just "clicked" out and lost it all. In the most sorrowful parts of our hearts we wish he would get some mental health assistance, but this is usually overridden by our disconnectedness and unrelatedness to the "Crazy man" - a conjecture best fit for the bigotry of the 1960's.
We seem to find it easy to feel sorrowful for him but I am willing to go out on a limb (and maybe even bet a couple hundred bucks) and hypothesize that many of us live a self-sustained schizophrenia. Our bodies, minds and souls live in disjointed peace and harmony.
I recently read in GQ, an article that glorified cheating and casual sex. As I read what was a seemingly inspiring article for young, sexually active adults like myself, somehow I became disconnected from the praise the author was giving to his discoveries about one-night stands. As I am maturing and growing older, I find it harder and harder for me to have casual intimacy and then walk away unaffected. For years I lived like this, in now what I recognize as a schizophrenia. I gave many individuals a part of me, one of the most sacred parts of me and acted unaffected in the aftermath. So, exactly what was my revelation? Here it goes:
We know and recognize the existence of mind and body. One cannot properly function without the other in society. Brain dead humans and humans laying in comas are perfect examples of both - they just don't contribute anything to society. But the third portion of the human existence is the soul. YES, the soul. And while many dispute its existence, I know there is more to me than carbon and oxygen. Its the part of us that cries out to the rhythm of our favorite song. The tingly feeling above our eye brow that alerts us to someone watching. The part of us that is connected to every other part of this universe.
Without getting too philosophical, just ponder on it for a minute. Society tells us that girls are more prone to becoming attached because of the connection they have with their partner when having sex. I challenge this theory and know for a fact that girls and guys are connected to every person they've had sex with. When you see that other person, memories and feelings flood your mind. But to sustain a life where you walk away pretending you are unaffected, means you have perfected the "Crazy Man" mentality.
Don't get me wrong. I am not here to judge. But I would say that I applaud the Main St. guy more because he's transparent, liberated and aggressive about his beliefs. Most we can do as those who partake in casual sex is pretend we don't feel, dishonor our emotional attachment and swim upstream to our mental stability. I think its time we arrived at something less carnal and more aligned to the purpose of intimacy. We need to ONLY involve ourselves intimately with those we truly love and care for, which means we need to love and care for ourselves first.
This is just my charge to society. And please don't think for one second that I'm not starting with me.
We seem to find it easy to feel sorrowful for him but I am willing to go out on a limb (and maybe even bet a couple hundred bucks) and hypothesize that many of us live a self-sustained schizophrenia. Our bodies, minds and souls live in disjointed peace and harmony.
I recently read in GQ, an article that glorified cheating and casual sex. As I read what was a seemingly inspiring article for young, sexually active adults like myself, somehow I became disconnected from the praise the author was giving to his discoveries about one-night stands. As I am maturing and growing older, I find it harder and harder for me to have casual intimacy and then walk away unaffected. For years I lived like this, in now what I recognize as a schizophrenia. I gave many individuals a part of me, one of the most sacred parts of me and acted unaffected in the aftermath. So, exactly what was my revelation? Here it goes:
We know and recognize the existence of mind and body. One cannot properly function without the other in society. Brain dead humans and humans laying in comas are perfect examples of both - they just don't contribute anything to society. But the third portion of the human existence is the soul. YES, the soul. And while many dispute its existence, I know there is more to me than carbon and oxygen. Its the part of us that cries out to the rhythm of our favorite song. The tingly feeling above our eye brow that alerts us to someone watching. The part of us that is connected to every other part of this universe.
Without getting too philosophical, just ponder on it for a minute. Society tells us that girls are more prone to becoming attached because of the connection they have with their partner when having sex. I challenge this theory and know for a fact that girls and guys are connected to every person they've had sex with. When you see that other person, memories and feelings flood your mind. But to sustain a life where you walk away pretending you are unaffected, means you have perfected the "Crazy Man" mentality.
Don't get me wrong. I am not here to judge. But I would say that I applaud the Main St. guy more because he's transparent, liberated and aggressive about his beliefs. Most we can do as those who partake in casual sex is pretend we don't feel, dishonor our emotional attachment and swim upstream to our mental stability. I think its time we arrived at something less carnal and more aligned to the purpose of intimacy. We need to ONLY involve ourselves intimately with those we truly love and care for, which means we need to love and care for ourselves first.
This is just my charge to society. And please don't think for one second that I'm not starting with me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Pulled in every direction at the same time
I'm 26. I'm attractive. I'm fun-loving. Got good credit. Hold wavering but strong beliefs. Amicable. I recently fell in love with onions and other pungent foods. I work out. Drink a frappucino every now and then. And I have my MBA.
See, I purposefully left my degree or any mention of school til last because I have, so often, defined myself through what academic success I have rather than what qualities make up the totality that is me. Yet my educational goals have pretty much dictated my life. I've never openly admitted this but I am deathly afraid of being average. I've always been above average in the areas of my life. And now, I feel as though I would be leading a mundane existence if I stopped here. And education can get me out of the mundane and into the surreal. Ugh - but at a high cost.
I've given up a lot for my education - because I know what doors education can open up. The wise tales of old have come into fruition. "Go to school to make a better life for yourself." Well that's exactly what I want to do! I want to go to school and become a pharmacist - not for the money (though a comfortable salary is possible) but for the saturation of my interest. I need to be around folk like myself who are interested in medicines' effects on the human system.
But this seems to leave me in the gutters of love. I don't know how to manage a relationship and follow my passion. But I want a relationship horribly. I want to hold that special girl at night and kiss her on the back of her neck, whispering the quietest, sweetest nothings in her ears. I want to have someone there to share my money with, take lavish vacations with, spoil kids with... But being raised primarily by my mother didn't set a good precedent for me at all. I only know how to manage one-sided relationships. I'm weary of women because my mother was the best example of a great woman, and even still, she used her womanly tactics to make life what it needed to be. So where do I begin? Is it that I need to take a class or something? Brothers teaching brothers? Man, I just don't know where to start. And I refuse to get into something unprepared or underprepared, though I am sure there are ladies out there who will work with me. But is that fair to them?
There are no answers right now. But I just needed to vent.
That is all.
See, I purposefully left my degree or any mention of school til last because I have, so often, defined myself through what academic success I have rather than what qualities make up the totality that is me. Yet my educational goals have pretty much dictated my life. I've never openly admitted this but I am deathly afraid of being average. I've always been above average in the areas of my life. And now, I feel as though I would be leading a mundane existence if I stopped here. And education can get me out of the mundane and into the surreal. Ugh - but at a high cost.
I've given up a lot for my education - because I know what doors education can open up. The wise tales of old have come into fruition. "Go to school to make a better life for yourself." Well that's exactly what I want to do! I want to go to school and become a pharmacist - not for the money (though a comfortable salary is possible) but for the saturation of my interest. I need to be around folk like myself who are interested in medicines' effects on the human system.
But this seems to leave me in the gutters of love. I don't know how to manage a relationship and follow my passion. But I want a relationship horribly. I want to hold that special girl at night and kiss her on the back of her neck, whispering the quietest, sweetest nothings in her ears. I want to have someone there to share my money with, take lavish vacations with, spoil kids with... But being raised primarily by my mother didn't set a good precedent for me at all. I only know how to manage one-sided relationships. I'm weary of women because my mother was the best example of a great woman, and even still, she used her womanly tactics to make life what it needed to be. So where do I begin? Is it that I need to take a class or something? Brothers teaching brothers? Man, I just don't know where to start. And I refuse to get into something unprepared or underprepared, though I am sure there are ladies out there who will work with me. But is that fair to them?
There are no answers right now. But I just needed to vent.
That is all.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I'm not giving up ANYTHING for Lent
But I don't mean that disrespectfully. For years, I've felt obliged to start again, right around midnight as I left the cruddy streets of the French Quarter. For every fattening slice of king cake I ingested, every cocktail I guzzled, and for every derogatory term that glided off my tongue, I felt the need for a Lenten promise that would give my life the stability that it needed.
Until a few years ago, that is. I heard a priest confess in a homily his indignation with the idea of temporary sacrifice - though it was an honorable pact made with God. He said however, that instead of making God all these temporary promises, we could actually NOT give up anything! You can imagine the congregation's response. But, in my mind I found this intriguing. Fr. Jacques said we should try to weave in activity that makes God smile - the results would be longer lasting and the joy you get from doing these things would persist longer than 40 days.
I tried it back then and I've decided to be rejuvenated by it again. So, here's a list of things I had stopped doing that I am going to weave into my life FAR PAST the 40 day mark....
1. Pray for the people I had given up on - INTENSE
2. Recommit to my grueling work out, not just one that pacifies my health-conscious psyche.
3. Spend more time with my Godson!
4. RELAX - at least one day of the week.
5. READ
6. Give more hugs and kisses
7. Reconnect to a community service outlet
That about sums it up. And 7 is a great number of new activities to have.
Happy Lenten Season to all.
Until a few years ago, that is. I heard a priest confess in a homily his indignation with the idea of temporary sacrifice - though it was an honorable pact made with God. He said however, that instead of making God all these temporary promises, we could actually NOT give up anything! You can imagine the congregation's response. But, in my mind I found this intriguing. Fr. Jacques said we should try to weave in activity that makes God smile - the results would be longer lasting and the joy you get from doing these things would persist longer than 40 days.
I tried it back then and I've decided to be rejuvenated by it again. So, here's a list of things I had stopped doing that I am going to weave into my life FAR PAST the 40 day mark....
1. Pray for the people I had given up on - INTENSE
2. Recommit to my grueling work out, not just one that pacifies my health-conscious psyche.
3. Spend more time with my Godson!
4. RELAX - at least one day of the week.
5. READ
6. Give more hugs and kisses
7. Reconnect to a community service outlet
That about sums it up. And 7 is a great number of new activities to have.
Happy Lenten Season to all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)