The true meaning of psychosis for me has been wanting to be united to the woman of my dreams but never truly considering her feelings, desires, needs, wants, insecurities - nothing! And it fucking sucks. Padded white walls and a straightjacket to keep me confined to a world that only I live in. Something's very wrong with this picture.
For so long, I've battled stage 4 selfishness, a disease that has been deeply inbedded in me for years by way of my environment and my response to (mis)understanding how the world works around me. It started in my mind, spread to my pockets - so that I only give if I get in return. Crept to my heart - so that I only love when there's an emotional gain. moved to my eyes and blinded me to any and everybody that was not me. Paralyzed my legs - so that I'd only move if I 'felt' like it. Even in matters of sex, the disease is so real that my nut alone was the priority - she was just the vessel through which it happens.
If I could describe how I feel, I would say this: imagine yourself in a dark, dank cave - one where only the echoes of your own thoughts and feelings resound aloud. There's no one there to truly comfort you, the emotional moments belong to you and you, alone, and though escape is but a step into the sunlight, you've tricked yourself into thinking that there's some comfort in the solitude of isolation. You're secure because you answer to no one. And in the same breath, you're a walking time bomb, waiting to ruin the lives of those around you.
It's all a lie.
I've made my bed in this tunnel in the safety of never having to be accountable to anyone else for my actions, words, feelings or thoughts. Everyday, I eat the sustinance of egoism, where my motives are self-driven and they only promote what I can get out of a situation - not exactly how I can truly give to others.
Man, that hurts.
It feels like I've been living in a fantasy world, one that I have created and sustained. One that cracks every time I look into the face of the one I love, to see that yet again, when it matters most, I retreated like a coward into that horrible cave.
So, I gave myself an ultimatum recently. It has been to actively work on identifying how I can move from selfish to selfless, or risk losing everything that God has promised me. The saddest part in all this shit is that what I thought was the hardest task ever, is actually not that hard at all.
The reality of selflessness doesn't mean I give up Johmyrin's wants, needs, or reality. It means that you work (hard) to make sure the one you love is placed first in the various aspects of your life. Counter-intuitive, I know. But not actually. She has my back - 100%. She always does what she thinks will make me happy. And in a world where she has me and I have me, NO ONE has her. No one.
I've been given a rare gift in my wife-to-be. She's a bestfriend, a confidant, a supporter, and the future mother of my children. And yet, I have kicked God's gift aside over and over and over again. Because I couldn't see past myself far enough to know what true selfISHness looked like.
My hands are numb just typing this, because the revelation is so clear now. I have true release because I can see clearly that God has given me someone who puts me first - while I never considered her at all.
No longer. I'm going to beat this psychosis afterall. I've decided that I'm putting her first. That way, we'll have each other. WE. WILL. HAVE. EACH. OTHER. It wasn't as clear to me but now I see. The "we" is real. There's no searching outside of one another for comfort, there's no possibility of cheating or abuse. We actually have one another and in that, I am making the move to selfless.
I'm thankful to God above for the transition! And I need to call my wife and let her know. I love her heart - its intertwined with a love that allows us both to be one. I'm taking her lead on this one and fashioning my heart after hers. Essentially, leaving the cave, closing it up and never returning. Let the single people of the world enjoy that lonely space. I was promised more, better, greater! And I plan to inherit these promises.
We.
