To Bean

That's what I call you. I know your real name though. And its just as amazing as you are going to be.

You have my skin tone, and your mother's features.

Hair as dark as night and a spirit as gentle as a calm wind. As a child, I would sit in the grass in my backyard and feel the earth beneath me and gaze at the clouds above me. I would just lay there in awe at how great this world is - and how small I am in it. It's that same feeling I get when I think about your existence. Love materialized into human form that is growing, developing every day.

I saw your dance for me. You're gifted - already. A natural performer. I promise to make sure that you have every opportunity to do any and everything that you want to do in this life. Because I just know you are going to be great.

Your heart beat is strong. Don't lose that. Don't lose your love for life - even in the midst of your mistakes and sins. God loves you and has placed you here for his glory. I'll do everything in my power to ensure that you grow up knowing that I'm your papa but that even when I'm gone to heaven you'll have built a firm relationship with your eternal Father. He'll see you through all your days.

I promise to love your mom, unconditionally. To show you what marriage is and how to achieve that for yourself one day. I'm still learning Bean. And I won't stop learning.

I can't wait to do Daddy-Bean sleep overs, days at the park, streetcar rides to the Aquarium, the zoo, and celebrate your birthday in such special ways. My heart just isn't big enough for the love I have for you.

Get ready to fall in love with music and art, languages and most of all, The Lord. I'll do my best to protect you from the world's harsh and unkind people. I hope to teach you to love your enemies and I know your mom will instill in you a genuine care and concern for others. I'm excited about that most.

We're a team, Bean. Never forget that. We'll have your back and we'll cheer you on in whatever it is you want to do in this world. In us, you can be yourself.

Mommy and Daddy love you.

We'll see you soon.

Papa

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

I'm listening to the words of the minister replay in my head - "The trials of today are shaping you into the triumph you'll have tomorrow." I gotta believe this right now because otherwise I'm gonna slump back into the cave I had walked out from a long time ago. I just have to believe that God can fix any problem that I have - as long as I put all my time and energy into doing so on my end. That he knows my heart is different than it was in the past. And that I can humble myself to make right any wrong I've caused.

Just this morning I prayed for God to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. I guess I've received an answer to my prayer.

Lord I have so far to go in understanding this life I'm living. I pray that you remove my ignorance and instill wisdom and knowledge, self-awareness and discernment. Allow me to always reflect preemptively on whether my actions will impact others negatively or if they are based on faulty assumptions. I need you now, Lord. Right now.

-Joh

C'est La Vie

I'm praying so hard to have an enjoyable, peaceful break. But I guess that prayer has fallen on God's deaf ear. hmph.....