I was convicted yesterday. I have been doing this job thing all wrong. I used to wonder why God called me to pharmacy. (He did.) But now I see that in his calling me to this profession, he also has challenged me to be the best representation of his love, grace and mercy even within the realm of my profession.
I'm not gonna lie. Pharmacy, for me, has primarily been a financial escape - a 6 figure job that would allow me to live life at a level above my peers and even family. But what I read yesterday challenged me to look at this whole thing very differently. "God provides my meals and pays my bills." I stole that quote from a fellow pharmacist who worked with me in the hospital. I was a 4th year student extern then and he had just graduated and passed his boards. I thought it clever, but I see that it resonates completely differently now. Because the fact is that God truly is at the foundation of all my provided needs. I've been self-focused, looking at my profession through the lens of personal Godhood. I have sought to become my own provider instead of allowing God to be God. The God I preach about. The God who has held me from the very beginning. The God of my ancestors and my future lineage. I feel like this whole time I've been getting in his way.
But I'm praying a true prayer of submission. I want to refocus my mind so that I know if I trust in him and seek him first, he'll add to my life all the things I need AND want in ways I can't imagine.
Today, I'm starting over. Changing my mindset before I embark on a new perspective about my profession. How can Christ be made evident through Pharmacy? How can I utilize this special calling to positively impact those dependent on medication? How can I tap into God's healing power so that his presence and salvation bring those into the full knowledge of him/
I pray for God's answers to find me - renewed in my thinking and actions.
fin.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Friday, May 31, 2019
Death Day.
I sorta hate that I'm moved to write after a two year hiatus as a direct result of the pain I'm feeling and can't quite put into words right now. But I'm trying to find the words. Trying to make up the words, at least to describe to me - for me - this sadness I feel. A lot has happened in these past few years. I'm ordained. I just graduated with my Master of Divinity degree. I'm preaching more now. (Can you believe it?) I'm working my butt off and today I feel pressured to be strong, to stay strong while my family makes the decision to unplug life support from my great Uncle, we so affectionately call "Brotherman."
I sat on the phone with my cousin yesterday and just couldn't stop crying. It was the most pitiful cry I've had in a long time. It was like I was standing over myself pleading with myself to get it together. But I ignored myself and kept "ugly crying." I'm admittedly a cry-baby. Little things evoke the deepest emotion from me because I make unnecessary sentimental connections with everything. Or maybe they aren't unnecessary. Maybe just excessive. Either way, I'm a crier. But yesterday was an outpouring. Potentially, not just over the inevitable loss I was about to experience. But this deluge of memories that come pouring back into my mind.
I know God's will is perfect. It just isn't always pleasant. Right now, I'm accepting God's perfect will that feels unpleasant. That feels like simple battery. That feels like someone punched me in the stomach. On top of that I'm having to internalize the reckless words of hateful people. But I refuse to give that any more power in this blog because it isn't worth it.
God never intended for us to die. He never intended for us to experience the pain or anguish of death. Bodily decay and sickness were not his design. But we screwed up. He decided that when we would screw up, he'd send us a kinsman redeemer. Someone to make things right IN THE END. But the damage is done. We still all have to die. We still have to experience pain. We're prone to illness and disease. Heartbreak and hurt. And any glimpse of a resurrection in the bible that Jesus did was God momentarily resetting the natural order of things. Death is what's unnatural. And yet, here we are - dealing with it. I'm dealing - in the worst way possible. because I miss my uncle already.
I went to see him. He shook my hand and let me know that he heard my words of love. When I asked to pray he closed his eyes, held my hands tight and received God's blessing. I'll never forget that. Ever. I thank God that I made the decision to go to him. To see him before he was no longer able to recognize who I was or why I was there.
I guess ultimately, I'm content. But these memories keep warming my face, filling my eye sockets, and causing the absolutely heaviest of tears to fall down my face. This is life, though. Or Death, I should say. Who will hold up the banner for our family now? It's too much to think about.
Goodday.
I sat on the phone with my cousin yesterday and just couldn't stop crying. It was the most pitiful cry I've had in a long time. It was like I was standing over myself pleading with myself to get it together. But I ignored myself and kept "ugly crying." I'm admittedly a cry-baby. Little things evoke the deepest emotion from me because I make unnecessary sentimental connections with everything. Or maybe they aren't unnecessary. Maybe just excessive. Either way, I'm a crier. But yesterday was an outpouring. Potentially, not just over the inevitable loss I was about to experience. But this deluge of memories that come pouring back into my mind.
I know God's will is perfect. It just isn't always pleasant. Right now, I'm accepting God's perfect will that feels unpleasant. That feels like simple battery. That feels like someone punched me in the stomach. On top of that I'm having to internalize the reckless words of hateful people. But I refuse to give that any more power in this blog because it isn't worth it.
God never intended for us to die. He never intended for us to experience the pain or anguish of death. Bodily decay and sickness were not his design. But we screwed up. He decided that when we would screw up, he'd send us a kinsman redeemer. Someone to make things right IN THE END. But the damage is done. We still all have to die. We still have to experience pain. We're prone to illness and disease. Heartbreak and hurt. And any glimpse of a resurrection in the bible that Jesus did was God momentarily resetting the natural order of things. Death is what's unnatural. And yet, here we are - dealing with it. I'm dealing - in the worst way possible. because I miss my uncle already.
I went to see him. He shook my hand and let me know that he heard my words of love. When I asked to pray he closed his eyes, held my hands tight and received God's blessing. I'll never forget that. Ever. I thank God that I made the decision to go to him. To see him before he was no longer able to recognize who I was or why I was there.
I guess ultimately, I'm content. But these memories keep warming my face, filling my eye sockets, and causing the absolutely heaviest of tears to fall down my face. This is life, though. Or Death, I should say. Who will hold up the banner for our family now? It's too much to think about.
Goodday.
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