I'm not exactly sure where to start with this but it's an assignment and I've committed to it. In addressing my 35 year old self, there's so much I want to say but no words in this language to actually accomplish the task. Nevertheless, I will write. Organize my thoughts and write about my life at 35. So, here it goes:
I'm not that much older than when I first received this assignment. I look around with a smile on my face, never truly having imagined that life would be what it is today or what it will be in the future. I've finished my pharmacy degree. Though I am not actually practicing it as my primary job. I own many businesses with my wife - she's so dynamic and supportive. She has funded many efforts of mine. Most of them truly successful. Few others, life lessons. Our financial stability is something that I've always prayed for. We can spend leisurely, donate to charities, bless our neighbors, and go beyond the call of duty and make others' lives easier. People everywhere know who we are. I'm not particularly excited about that, but it seems to be the divine order of things.
We have love. We create love. We go on date nights - even when I travel. We surprise each other over and over again. It never gets old. I'm glad we started that trend as young adults. My wife is active in the church and community. She has such amazing international and national ties. Its a favor I would have never imagined. I've shared in that favor by being able to spoil my wife and children in ways they (nor I) could have ever imagined. She gives me that look on occasion... lol. No more baby making though. We have enough rug rats running around. Our love is sensual though. Intense, sexy and sensual. I can't get enough of it.
Our kids are growing. The boys are five years old and Maddie is two. They're a hand full. So competitive and playful - just fun to have around and open to learning all there is to learn. Madison has so much attitude, like her mother. She's strong willed and independent. I can already tell she'll be a lot to handle as she grows older. They eat healthy foods and love to go on family outings together. Caleb and Aiden are about to start kindergarten and it makes me so nervous not having them in the house as much. Guess I still have my Madison for a few more years.
I'm finding my place in the ministry. My wife has received the call and it's compelled me to do more, a greater work within the church and greater community and world, for that matter. I'm not sure what it is but I hope our television platform can create the resources I need to do those things that make me happy.
My wife and I are physically fit. Losing loved ones has shown us how to better take care of our health, both physically and mentally. We have somewhat successfully transferred this to the children.
We're not living in our ideal home, that's a few years away but we are very comfortable here. Two dogs and space enough for us not to go stir crazy. And yet not too far that we would miss each other or grow estranged.
We have the materials wants of our dreams and our needs are taken care of. We are beginning to do more, be more for more people. It is our calling. It's interesting because those early dreams and wishes have all been answered, blessings have been bestowed upon me beyond my wildest dreams. Everyday hasn't been easy but life is so good - I know only God could have ordained it this way.
I've seen loss. I've experienced hurt over these years but my wife and children are what keep me everyday. They are the reason I smile a genuine smile each and every morning.
This is what young blessed life feels like. Welcome to 35.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Love and Loss
Often we talk about loss in love. May have seen some poor rendition of it on the television. Or possibly, read about it in a crafty self-help book. But even through those elements, nothing teaches one about loss in love until he/she has endured the trauma of such an event or has been blessed enough to only have encountered the "near-loss" experience. Either way, the best teacher, in any case, is loss itself.
I've never loved. Until now. I've never claimed any woman as my own because I never considered them my equal. With the exception of my mother (and I discounted her many times), I've never truly looked into the eyes of a woman and had the security in knowing that she held my heart in the most inner recesses of her soul, protected from all outsiders. My "never" became the biggest lie of my life.
See, I bought the into the hype with a fresh twenty dollar bill. In a world so cold, unforgiving and fake, I told myself that everyone (myself included) were simple cogs in a never ending wheel - puppets with little or no control over our actions and activity. I lied to myself and others in order to keep the IMAGE of my life stable - or so I thought. Underneath it all, I had convinced myself that no one on this planet would accept the real me, human in every way, non-confident at times, stained by occasional bad decision-making. No one was capable to see past all of that. Only God could be that for me, right?
WRONG. sort of.
I've always been a very logical thinker and yet my logic failed me in this particular situation due to my near-sightedness. I believe in God. For the longest time, he's been the only representation of a real father in my life. But I failed to see that the obvious truth in it all: A God so powerful to love me unconditionally could assuredly create a person who would do the same. And to take it a step further, that same God could place in me a spirit of forgiveness that would allow me a renewed love of self, time and time again.
So I was left in a place where what I thought did not add up to my logic. This was my first encounter with accepting the idea of love.
It did not end here. I reveled in the unfamiliar territories of love. True love. Love so good, it could have only come from a loving and forgiving God. Love so genuine, the simple thought brings a smile to my face - it would seem insane to the passer-by. But, on this journey, I carried old baggage, the old way of thinking that I had become so accustomed to. And therein lay my struggle and my introduction to having ALMOST lost the treasure of love.
See, I was selfish. I took from love, drained it. And gave a minimal effort back in return. I hid things from love. And to make matters worse, I lied in order to protect myself from having to give my full 100%. Those same lies of my past crept up and poisoned my mind again, but this time, it threatened everything. In my estimation, love had had enough. It had given me everything and I stabbed it in its face.
It was here, at this crossroads, that I had to make a decision: choose love in its entirety and pray that it would take me back or continue to hide from love and run it away for an eternity.
See, the beauty of love is that even in my fear of choosing it, I never doubted its ability to love me - even through my mistreatment and mismanagement of it. In this I found comfort. More importantly, in this, I found strength to stand up and fight for a love that was mine and mine alone. I can't lie again. So, I won't. I know that this journey in love won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But what I know for a fact is that I am naked, vulnerable and open. It's frightening. But love continues to bathe me in its protection, guard me with its never ending trust, and entice me with its sultry, sexy compassion.
I'm overwhelmed with my decision to choose love. I'd hope that it wouldn't take the reality of loss or near-loss to make me appreciate it.
I can guarantee this, I will continue to fight - until my dying day. Love deserves it. And I owe it to love to make this happen.
I'm reminded of the old saying "You don't know what you got, til it's gone." Learn from me. Know love through my story - through my eyes. Reclaim it, if you've let it go. Accept it, if it is at your door step. Forgive yourself, ask God, our source of love, for forgiveness, and he will assuredly guide you on this journey. Love is there. It's real and present.
Fall in love.
I've never loved. Until now. I've never claimed any woman as my own because I never considered them my equal. With the exception of my mother (and I discounted her many times), I've never truly looked into the eyes of a woman and had the security in knowing that she held my heart in the most inner recesses of her soul, protected from all outsiders. My "never" became the biggest lie of my life.
See, I bought the into the hype with a fresh twenty dollar bill. In a world so cold, unforgiving and fake, I told myself that everyone (myself included) were simple cogs in a never ending wheel - puppets with little or no control over our actions and activity. I lied to myself and others in order to keep the IMAGE of my life stable - or so I thought. Underneath it all, I had convinced myself that no one on this planet would accept the real me, human in every way, non-confident at times, stained by occasional bad decision-making. No one was capable to see past all of that. Only God could be that for me, right?
WRONG. sort of.
I've always been a very logical thinker and yet my logic failed me in this particular situation due to my near-sightedness. I believe in God. For the longest time, he's been the only representation of a real father in my life. But I failed to see that the obvious truth in it all: A God so powerful to love me unconditionally could assuredly create a person who would do the same. And to take it a step further, that same God could place in me a spirit of forgiveness that would allow me a renewed love of self, time and time again.
So I was left in a place where what I thought did not add up to my logic. This was my first encounter with accepting the idea of love.
It did not end here. I reveled in the unfamiliar territories of love. True love. Love so good, it could have only come from a loving and forgiving God. Love so genuine, the simple thought brings a smile to my face - it would seem insane to the passer-by. But, on this journey, I carried old baggage, the old way of thinking that I had become so accustomed to. And therein lay my struggle and my introduction to having ALMOST lost the treasure of love.
See, I was selfish. I took from love, drained it. And gave a minimal effort back in return. I hid things from love. And to make matters worse, I lied in order to protect myself from having to give my full 100%. Those same lies of my past crept up and poisoned my mind again, but this time, it threatened everything. In my estimation, love had had enough. It had given me everything and I stabbed it in its face.
It was here, at this crossroads, that I had to make a decision: choose love in its entirety and pray that it would take me back or continue to hide from love and run it away for an eternity.
See, the beauty of love is that even in my fear of choosing it, I never doubted its ability to love me - even through my mistreatment and mismanagement of it. In this I found comfort. More importantly, in this, I found strength to stand up and fight for a love that was mine and mine alone. I can't lie again. So, I won't. I know that this journey in love won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But what I know for a fact is that I am naked, vulnerable and open. It's frightening. But love continues to bathe me in its protection, guard me with its never ending trust, and entice me with its sultry, sexy compassion.
I'm overwhelmed with my decision to choose love. I'd hope that it wouldn't take the reality of loss or near-loss to make me appreciate it.
I can guarantee this, I will continue to fight - until my dying day. Love deserves it. And I owe it to love to make this happen.
I'm reminded of the old saying "You don't know what you got, til it's gone." Learn from me. Know love through my story - through my eyes. Reclaim it, if you've let it go. Accept it, if it is at your door step. Forgive yourself, ask God, our source of love, for forgiveness, and he will assuredly guide you on this journey. Love is there. It's real and present.
Fall in love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)