Losing teeth

I liken my experiences to that of losing teeth. We all of to do it. It's become somewhat of a unofficial rite of passage. However, there's more to my interpretation than simply losing what was temporary and gaining anew.

Think about it. We all lose our first set of teeth - not barring their condition upon the loss. Some of us have near-perfect "baby" teeth, where losing them is simply a process of growth. For others, the release of rotten, misshapen, and/or unhealthy teeth signals a renewal.

Either way, we all lose teeth.

Where I am right now in my life is existing in a place were I have been renewed, given a brand new set of teeth, so to speak. A chance at a new life. In reflection, I can see how God has taken me from being a single, spoiled, selfish know-it-all to a more open, trusting, loving man. And yet there are some who stand to serve as a reminder of my "old teeth."

They use whatever tools they can to tear you down. You'd think they had never lost teeth themselves.

I'm constantly challenged by this. A wise preacher once told me, "You pay for sins and you pray for your sins." I can deal with that. What I have to learn is how to deal with the repercussion of having those "old teeth" but also not falling into a space where I can't at all recognize my new ones.

I stand in God's glory. Nevertheless, I am human and I fall into a place where I doubt whether this journey is truly mine. I need reminders that he's covering me, that he hasn't forsaken me. And where usually I am strong, I have moments where I am but a child - scared, hesitant to grow, nervous.

I can't let it shake me too long or too much though. It's exactly where the enemy would have me to be so that I forget what my calling is. I can't forget that no matter how I gained these new teeth, I was still blessed to have some.

So, I'm taking a mindset of thankfulness, instead of sadness or fear. I'm letting the father's eternal love draw me nearer to his promises, rather than cause me to doubt.

Ye tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

fin.

Becoming whole again

I awoke from the deepest slumber - numb, delirious, confused. At first frightened, my eyes began to focus; pictures and scenes come into view. They are all comforting faces. Familiar, though I have never met them. I am here.

Smiles celebrate my arrival. She holds me so affectionately. I will come to know her as my mother. A love like hers was unique. She would come to sacrifice much of her life to help me to become the man I am today. To grow and change and realize that my life was not my own. The example she set would draw me to find one whose back could bare the burden of childbirth, whose heart could amass a love and spirit of forgiveness that only the creator could endow one with. Whose kindness would fashion sincerity in the lives of those whom it touched. But, something was missing.

Many times throughout the life that was created for me, I'd ask friends and family to examine my side - to identify the scar that stretched from my breastplate and wrapped around to meet at my spine. And while my supporters believed my story of vacancy and absence, none could identify the scar that only I seemed to notice. It was there, though. Deep, intense, and real. But - only to me.

So, I hid.

That scar of imperfection disappeared in my mind just as much as it was invisible in everyone else's. I fought against my destiny - so I thought. I put up pretense to heal that scar with the unfulfilling love of others. None of it worked for me. And so I prayed. I asked God to lead me, take my pain away. Heal the scar and allow me to grow into the man he would have me to be.

And then I had an encounter that changed my life forever.

One day, after the chaos of life had begun to settle, I stared across the table into the eyes of one who made my years of hiding that scar seem like only seconds of embarrassment. Something was different, but familiar about her. Aside from her striking beauty and wonderful personality, she possessed a passion for life that literally made me feel whole. She was intelligent, driven, understanding and keen. Her business sense was uncanny, second to none. She would later reveal to me that she too had a scar, in the same place as mine.

It was then that I realized who she was in my life. It was in that initial slumber, so many years ago, that I could hear her voice, a creation begot from a rib of my side. One who would compliment me in so many different ways that being with her, in her presence, felt like a reunion with a life long friend. The scar had been God's reminder to me that I should never forget his promise to me. Even in eternity, he purposed for me to have her as my companion for life. This explained why no one else could see it. It was a door God had opened for me and her. No one had a right to what was destined to be ours.

I know now why life just didn't feel right before her. I needed to find my rib, to become whole again. When she's happy, so am I. When she hurts, I share her pain. When the world looks to harm her, I am to step in the way and protect her.

We.

Are.

One.

Everyday, we grow stronger, perfecting ourselves and perfecting the "we" God wants us to become. It truly is a blessing to be given a new life - an answered prayer that would become my blessed reality.

Proverbs 18:22
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD

fin.

Daily Bread

"Alone in a room. It's just me and you. I feel so lost, that I just don't know what I'm gonna do. So I'm crying out - crying out to you Lord. I know that you're the only one who is able to pull me through. So, I need to talk to you. And ask you for your guidance. Especially today, when my world seems so cloudy. Guide me until I'm sure. I open up my heart."

I open up my heart.

No fancy phrasings or intricate superficial sentence structure to get my point across this time. Just the lyrics that speak to my heart.

I crave the Father's voice. I truly hope I'm not missing it. Until I know, I'll continue to pray for clarity, understanding, answers.

I. open. my. heart.

fin.

Her.

Today I saw her - in a way that I've never seen her before. She was happy, extremely happy. Her smile as wide as the Mississippi. Her eyes glistening with love and affection.

She was pregnant.

Carrying our baby girl, who tries to escape the wedding dress that adorns her milky, rich brown skin. We are dancing. I look into her eyes and there's a feeling that hits me - just above my breast plate. An energy, a hot sensation that crawls up my throat and lays down in the corners of my eyes. I'm moved to tears. There's a thankfulness, a gratitude that I just can't put into words. She's the most beautiful, precious gift God has created - and she's ALL MINE.

There's a sense of accomplishment present as well. Pure victory. I recognize that there are some who think of me as their enemy. Some whose lies to self have caused them to develop an unwarranted jealousy for us. On top of that, the enemy is NOT pleased. At all. And yet, we're here. We are victorious. We are ONE.

I've never seen it before, until now - an innocent run in the open park turned into a Godly vision.

I had to run today. I had to see what God had in store. I had to be given the vision of truth to dispel the tricks that the devil laid in front of me.

I'm a new man. I'm working harder. I'm MANning up!

I can't wait to see what God has in store.

fin.

The Challenge of Faith

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for. the evidence of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

I pray for so much. CORRECTION. I pray a lot. And yet, it seems like I have received no answer. Maybe my prayers are too big. Maybe I am not putting forth the works to bring my faith to life. I'm not exactly sure.

Don't get me wrong. I've been blessed with so much. God has literally given me a new life, a glorious existence that I can thrive in, dwell in confidence - and start over. What has come with this new life is the urge to be a strong man, a provider, a husband, a father (to-be), and a lover. But my reality (right now) is that I can't really do much of that.

Years ago I made the crucial decision to leave my job as a teacher and become a pharmacist. What came with that dream was the reality that I would lose my income, my health insurance, my financial solvency.  It wasn't a decision made lightly and I have had an amazing experience - stress not considered - thus far.

But, here I am.

I have an amazing new family, people who have talents that are true blessings from God. Their talents are so great that it has given them fame and fortune and has built them strong positive reputations. And while I stand in God's glory for my my ability to be just as great as them, I must admit, sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel subpar. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me. I know that God has a lesson for me in all this.

This is my truest test of faith.

I used to be mean. Verbally demeaning. Arrogant. Ungrateful. All tools I used to assert my talents, to force others to acknowledge that something was special about me. However, being in this family is humbling. Because everyone is truly great. Great in a way that empowers others, that helps those who help themselves, who love in a way that teaches the downtrodden to become strong, generationally free from curses, and elevated to a new level.

But where does that leave me? I have a lot to give but I really don't think I've worked hard enough. So, I've decided to throw myself in the flame, faith in tow - hoping that God will refashion me to do his work but also cover me, especially when the heat is too intense.

This is the vow I make to myself. God wouldn't have called me out of darkness only to sit in the shadows. For now, I'll continue to pray and praise God in the meantime. I'll continue to work as hard as I can to be the man I'd like to be.

I'm trusting you Father. I'm officially offering myself to be used by you. It's hard. I can't lie. But I'd rather take the leap of faith than steps in fear.

adieu.

The Reflection of my Tears

Have you ever tried to bottle up your tears? It's an almost impossible feat. Yet, with the many facets of life, the fact that tears fall from your eyes is no coincidence at all. 

Joy and sadness reside there. So too, do anguish, fatigue, surprise, and happiness. But with eyes, so fragile, having witnessed all that God has blessed us with, they eventually need a release. WE need a release. 

Recently, I denied my eyes their freedom, enslaved them selfishly to hold on to the memory of one who I had so affectionately called "Pops." He was my spiritual father, my mentor, an older version of my younger self. We had similar struggles, battles that only God-provided mentorship and guidance would alleviate. It was in him that I was able to take the longest looks in the mirror and find joy, hope, and glory amidst all my lies, self-hate, doubt, and pretense. Pops helped me to become a man - of God. And my watery eyes told the story. 

It was a story I was not at all willing to share with this world, escapism at its best. I wouldn't release him until I had to, until I had the closure I needed, yet, dreaded. See, I had grown somewhat accustomed to Pops' presence. I depended on him for so much. But in the end, God reminded me why I am strong - why Pops was placed in my life in the first place. It was to his Glory, to his end. Pops was simply a vessel. And while I believe God's gift was fatherly love through the man that Pops was to me, he reminded me through our last correspondence that our relationship was only (physically) temporary. I could keep the love, but I had to let go of the man. 

And so tears came. They flowed. In a harsh outburst. Runaway slaves from an emotional captivity. Initially, I felt like I was abandoning him. But the relief I felt reassured me that I was indeed holding onto the memories but letting go of the physical. 

In those tears was freedom. Freedom to grow, to thrive, to be the legacy of greatness that God ordained and that Pops left behind. They cleansed my eyes, figuratively and literally, so that I could see clearly God's purpose in all of this. 

I released him in those tears so that I could honor him with a clear vision. 

So, I've decided never again to hold onto tears - even inasmuch as it helps temporarily. I can see now. A new day of clarity excites me. I look forward to all that God is preparing me for. 

fin.

From Me to We: A Lesson In Selflessness

The true meaning of psychosis for me has been wanting to be united to the woman of my dreams but never truly considering her feelings, desires, needs, wants, insecurities - nothing! And it fucking sucks. Padded white walls and a straightjacket to keep me confined to a world that only I live in. Something's very wrong with this picture.

For so long, I've battled stage 4 selfishness, a disease that has been deeply inbedded in me for years by way of my environment and my response to (mis)understanding how the world works around me. It started in my mind, spread to my pockets - so that I only give if I get in return. Crept to my heart - so that I only love when there's an emotional gain. moved to my eyes and blinded me to any and everybody that was not me. Paralyzed my legs - so that I'd only move if I 'felt' like it. Even in matters of sex, the disease is so real that my nut alone was the priority - she was just the vessel through which it happens.

If I could describe how I feel, I would say this: imagine yourself in a dark, dank cave - one where only the echoes of your own thoughts and feelings resound aloud. There's no one there to truly comfort you, the emotional moments belong to you and you, alone, and though escape is but a step into the sunlight, you've tricked yourself into thinking that there's some comfort in the solitude of isolation. You're secure because you answer to no one. And in the same breath, you're a walking time bomb, waiting to ruin the lives of those around you.

It's all a lie.

I've made my bed in this tunnel in the safety of never having to be accountable to anyone else for my actions, words, feelings or thoughts. Everyday, I eat the sustinance of egoism, where my motives are self-driven and they only promote what I can get out of a situation - not exactly how I can truly give to others.

Man, that hurts.

It feels like I've been living in a fantasy world, one that I have created and sustained. One that cracks every time I look into the face of the one I love, to see that yet again, when it matters most, I retreated like a coward into that horrible cave.

So, I gave myself an ultimatum recently. It has been to actively work on identifying how I can move from selfish to selfless, or risk losing everything that God has promised me. The saddest part in all this shit is that what I thought was the hardest task ever, is actually not that hard at all.

The reality of selflessness doesn't mean I give up Johmyrin's wants, needs, or reality. It means that you work (hard) to make sure the one you love is placed first in the various aspects of your life. Counter-intuitive, I know. But not actually. She has my back - 100%. She always does what she thinks will make me happy. And in a world where she has me and I have me, NO ONE has her. No one.

I've been given a rare gift in my wife-to-be. She's a bestfriend, a confidant, a supporter, and the future mother of my children. And yet, I have kicked God's gift aside over and over and over again. Because I couldn't see past myself far enough to know what true selfISHness looked like.

My hands are numb just typing this, because the revelation is so clear now. I have true release because I can see clearly that God has given me someone who puts me first - while I never considered her at all.

No longer. I'm going to beat this psychosis afterall. I've decided that I'm putting her first. That way, we'll have each other. WE. WILL. HAVE. EACH. OTHER. It wasn't as clear to me but now I see. The "we" is real. There's no searching outside of one another for comfort, there's no possibility of cheating or abuse. We actually have one another and in that, I am making the move to selfless.

I'm thankful to God above for the transition! And I need to call my wife and let her know. I love her heart - its intertwined with a love that allows us both to be one. I'm taking her lead on this one and fashioning my heart after hers. Essentially, leaving the cave, closing it up and never returning. Let the single people of the world enjoy that lonely space. I was promised more, better, greater! And I plan to inherit these promises.

We.