The true meaning of psychosis for me has been wanting to be united to the woman of my dreams but never truly considering her feelings, desires, needs, wants, insecurities - nothing! And it fucking sucks. Padded white walls and a straightjacket to keep me confined to a world that only I live in. Something's very wrong with this picture.
For so long, I've battled stage 4 selfishness, a disease that has been deeply inbedded in me for years by way of my environment and my response to (mis)understanding how the world works around me. It started in my mind, spread to my pockets - so that I only give if I get in return. Crept to my heart - so that I only love when there's an emotional gain. moved to my eyes and blinded me to any and everybody that was not me. Paralyzed my legs - so that I'd only move if I 'felt' like it. Even in matters of sex, the disease is so real that my nut alone was the priority - she was just the vessel through which it happens.
If I could describe how I feel, I would say this: imagine yourself in a dark, dank cave - one where only the echoes of your own thoughts and feelings resound aloud. There's no one there to truly comfort you, the emotional moments belong to you and you, alone, and though escape is but a step into the sunlight, you've tricked yourself into thinking that there's some comfort in the solitude of isolation. You're secure because you answer to no one. And in the same breath, you're a walking time bomb, waiting to ruin the lives of those around you.
It's all a lie.
I've made my bed in this tunnel in the safety of never having to be accountable to anyone else for my actions, words, feelings or thoughts. Everyday, I eat the sustinance of egoism, where my motives are self-driven and they only promote what I can get out of a situation - not exactly how I can truly give to others.
Man, that hurts.
It feels like I've been living in a fantasy world, one that I have created and sustained. One that cracks every time I look into the face of the one I love, to see that yet again, when it matters most, I retreated like a coward into that horrible cave.
So, I gave myself an ultimatum recently. It has been to actively work on identifying how I can move from selfish to selfless, or risk losing everything that God has promised me. The saddest part in all this shit is that what I thought was the hardest task ever, is actually not that hard at all.
The reality of selflessness doesn't mean I give up Johmyrin's wants, needs, or reality. It means that you work (hard) to make sure the one you love is placed first in the various aspects of your life. Counter-intuitive, I know. But not actually. She has my back - 100%. She always does what she thinks will make me happy. And in a world where she has me and I have me, NO ONE has her. No one.
I've been given a rare gift in my wife-to-be. She's a bestfriend, a confidant, a supporter, and the future mother of my children. And yet, I have kicked God's gift aside over and over and over again. Because I couldn't see past myself far enough to know what true selfISHness looked like.
My hands are numb just typing this, because the revelation is so clear now. I have true release because I can see clearly that God has given me someone who puts me first - while I never considered her at all.
No longer. I'm going to beat this psychosis afterall. I've decided that I'm putting her first. That way, we'll have each other. WE. WILL. HAVE. EACH. OTHER. It wasn't as clear to me but now I see. The "we" is real. There's no searching outside of one another for comfort, there's no possibility of cheating or abuse. We actually have one another and in that, I am making the move to selfless.
I'm thankful to God above for the transition! And I need to call my wife and let her know. I love her heart - its intertwined with a love that allows us both to be one. I'm taking her lead on this one and fashioning my heart after hers. Essentially, leaving the cave, closing it up and never returning. Let the single people of the world enjoy that lonely space. I was promised more, better, greater! And I plan to inherit these promises.
We.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
To the one who knows me best
I'm not exactly sure where to start with this but it's an assignment and I've committed to it. In addressing my 35 year old self, there's so much I want to say but no words in this language to actually accomplish the task. Nevertheless, I will write. Organize my thoughts and write about my life at 35. So, here it goes:
I'm not that much older than when I first received this assignment. I look around with a smile on my face, never truly having imagined that life would be what it is today or what it will be in the future. I've finished my pharmacy degree. Though I am not actually practicing it as my primary job. I own many businesses with my wife - she's so dynamic and supportive. She has funded many efforts of mine. Most of them truly successful. Few others, life lessons. Our financial stability is something that I've always prayed for. We can spend leisurely, donate to charities, bless our neighbors, and go beyond the call of duty and make others' lives easier. People everywhere know who we are. I'm not particularly excited about that, but it seems to be the divine order of things.
We have love. We create love. We go on date nights - even when I travel. We surprise each other over and over again. It never gets old. I'm glad we started that trend as young adults. My wife is active in the church and community. She has such amazing international and national ties. Its a favor I would have never imagined. I've shared in that favor by being able to spoil my wife and children in ways they (nor I) could have ever imagined. She gives me that look on occasion... lol. No more baby making though. We have enough rug rats running around. Our love is sensual though. Intense, sexy and sensual. I can't get enough of it.
Our kids are growing. The boys are five years old and Maddie is two. They're a hand full. So competitive and playful - just fun to have around and open to learning all there is to learn. Madison has so much attitude, like her mother. She's strong willed and independent. I can already tell she'll be a lot to handle as she grows older. They eat healthy foods and love to go on family outings together. Caleb and Aiden are about to start kindergarten and it makes me so nervous not having them in the house as much. Guess I still have my Madison for a few more years.
I'm finding my place in the ministry. My wife has received the call and it's compelled me to do more, a greater work within the church and greater community and world, for that matter. I'm not sure what it is but I hope our television platform can create the resources I need to do those things that make me happy.
My wife and I are physically fit. Losing loved ones has shown us how to better take care of our health, both physically and mentally. We have somewhat successfully transferred this to the children.
We're not living in our ideal home, that's a few years away but we are very comfortable here. Two dogs and space enough for us not to go stir crazy. And yet not too far that we would miss each other or grow estranged.
We have the materials wants of our dreams and our needs are taken care of. We are beginning to do more, be more for more people. It is our calling. It's interesting because those early dreams and wishes have all been answered, blessings have been bestowed upon me beyond my wildest dreams. Everyday hasn't been easy but life is so good - I know only God could have ordained it this way.
I've seen loss. I've experienced hurt over these years but my wife and children are what keep me everyday. They are the reason I smile a genuine smile each and every morning.
This is what young blessed life feels like. Welcome to 35.
I'm not that much older than when I first received this assignment. I look around with a smile on my face, never truly having imagined that life would be what it is today or what it will be in the future. I've finished my pharmacy degree. Though I am not actually practicing it as my primary job. I own many businesses with my wife - she's so dynamic and supportive. She has funded many efforts of mine. Most of them truly successful. Few others, life lessons. Our financial stability is something that I've always prayed for. We can spend leisurely, donate to charities, bless our neighbors, and go beyond the call of duty and make others' lives easier. People everywhere know who we are. I'm not particularly excited about that, but it seems to be the divine order of things.
We have love. We create love. We go on date nights - even when I travel. We surprise each other over and over again. It never gets old. I'm glad we started that trend as young adults. My wife is active in the church and community. She has such amazing international and national ties. Its a favor I would have never imagined. I've shared in that favor by being able to spoil my wife and children in ways they (nor I) could have ever imagined. She gives me that look on occasion... lol. No more baby making though. We have enough rug rats running around. Our love is sensual though. Intense, sexy and sensual. I can't get enough of it.
Our kids are growing. The boys are five years old and Maddie is two. They're a hand full. So competitive and playful - just fun to have around and open to learning all there is to learn. Madison has so much attitude, like her mother. She's strong willed and independent. I can already tell she'll be a lot to handle as she grows older. They eat healthy foods and love to go on family outings together. Caleb and Aiden are about to start kindergarten and it makes me so nervous not having them in the house as much. Guess I still have my Madison for a few more years.
I'm finding my place in the ministry. My wife has received the call and it's compelled me to do more, a greater work within the church and greater community and world, for that matter. I'm not sure what it is but I hope our television platform can create the resources I need to do those things that make me happy.
My wife and I are physically fit. Losing loved ones has shown us how to better take care of our health, both physically and mentally. We have somewhat successfully transferred this to the children.
We're not living in our ideal home, that's a few years away but we are very comfortable here. Two dogs and space enough for us not to go stir crazy. And yet not too far that we would miss each other or grow estranged.
We have the materials wants of our dreams and our needs are taken care of. We are beginning to do more, be more for more people. It is our calling. It's interesting because those early dreams and wishes have all been answered, blessings have been bestowed upon me beyond my wildest dreams. Everyday hasn't been easy but life is so good - I know only God could have ordained it this way.
I've seen loss. I've experienced hurt over these years but my wife and children are what keep me everyday. They are the reason I smile a genuine smile each and every morning.
This is what young blessed life feels like. Welcome to 35.
Love and Loss
Often we talk about loss in love. May have seen some poor rendition of it on the television. Or possibly, read about it in a crafty self-help book. But even through those elements, nothing teaches one about loss in love until he/she has endured the trauma of such an event or has been blessed enough to only have encountered the "near-loss" experience. Either way, the best teacher, in any case, is loss itself.
I've never loved. Until now. I've never claimed any woman as my own because I never considered them my equal. With the exception of my mother (and I discounted her many times), I've never truly looked into the eyes of a woman and had the security in knowing that she held my heart in the most inner recesses of her soul, protected from all outsiders. My "never" became the biggest lie of my life.
See, I bought the into the hype with a fresh twenty dollar bill. In a world so cold, unforgiving and fake, I told myself that everyone (myself included) were simple cogs in a never ending wheel - puppets with little or no control over our actions and activity. I lied to myself and others in order to keep the IMAGE of my life stable - or so I thought. Underneath it all, I had convinced myself that no one on this planet would accept the real me, human in every way, non-confident at times, stained by occasional bad decision-making. No one was capable to see past all of that. Only God could be that for me, right?
WRONG. sort of.
I've always been a very logical thinker and yet my logic failed me in this particular situation due to my near-sightedness. I believe in God. For the longest time, he's been the only representation of a real father in my life. But I failed to see that the obvious truth in it all: A God so powerful to love me unconditionally could assuredly create a person who would do the same. And to take it a step further, that same God could place in me a spirit of forgiveness that would allow me a renewed love of self, time and time again.
So I was left in a place where what I thought did not add up to my logic. This was my first encounter with accepting the idea of love.
It did not end here. I reveled in the unfamiliar territories of love. True love. Love so good, it could have only come from a loving and forgiving God. Love so genuine, the simple thought brings a smile to my face - it would seem insane to the passer-by. But, on this journey, I carried old baggage, the old way of thinking that I had become so accustomed to. And therein lay my struggle and my introduction to having ALMOST lost the treasure of love.
See, I was selfish. I took from love, drained it. And gave a minimal effort back in return. I hid things from love. And to make matters worse, I lied in order to protect myself from having to give my full 100%. Those same lies of my past crept up and poisoned my mind again, but this time, it threatened everything. In my estimation, love had had enough. It had given me everything and I stabbed it in its face.
It was here, at this crossroads, that I had to make a decision: choose love in its entirety and pray that it would take me back or continue to hide from love and run it away for an eternity.
See, the beauty of love is that even in my fear of choosing it, I never doubted its ability to love me - even through my mistreatment and mismanagement of it. In this I found comfort. More importantly, in this, I found strength to stand up and fight for a love that was mine and mine alone. I can't lie again. So, I won't. I know that this journey in love won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But what I know for a fact is that I am naked, vulnerable and open. It's frightening. But love continues to bathe me in its protection, guard me with its never ending trust, and entice me with its sultry, sexy compassion.
I'm overwhelmed with my decision to choose love. I'd hope that it wouldn't take the reality of loss or near-loss to make me appreciate it.
I can guarantee this, I will continue to fight - until my dying day. Love deserves it. And I owe it to love to make this happen.
I'm reminded of the old saying "You don't know what you got, til it's gone." Learn from me. Know love through my story - through my eyes. Reclaim it, if you've let it go. Accept it, if it is at your door step. Forgive yourself, ask God, our source of love, for forgiveness, and he will assuredly guide you on this journey. Love is there. It's real and present.
Fall in love.
I've never loved. Until now. I've never claimed any woman as my own because I never considered them my equal. With the exception of my mother (and I discounted her many times), I've never truly looked into the eyes of a woman and had the security in knowing that she held my heart in the most inner recesses of her soul, protected from all outsiders. My "never" became the biggest lie of my life.
See, I bought the into the hype with a fresh twenty dollar bill. In a world so cold, unforgiving and fake, I told myself that everyone (myself included) were simple cogs in a never ending wheel - puppets with little or no control over our actions and activity. I lied to myself and others in order to keep the IMAGE of my life stable - or so I thought. Underneath it all, I had convinced myself that no one on this planet would accept the real me, human in every way, non-confident at times, stained by occasional bad decision-making. No one was capable to see past all of that. Only God could be that for me, right?
WRONG. sort of.
I've always been a very logical thinker and yet my logic failed me in this particular situation due to my near-sightedness. I believe in God. For the longest time, he's been the only representation of a real father in my life. But I failed to see that the obvious truth in it all: A God so powerful to love me unconditionally could assuredly create a person who would do the same. And to take it a step further, that same God could place in me a spirit of forgiveness that would allow me a renewed love of self, time and time again.
So I was left in a place where what I thought did not add up to my logic. This was my first encounter with accepting the idea of love.
It did not end here. I reveled in the unfamiliar territories of love. True love. Love so good, it could have only come from a loving and forgiving God. Love so genuine, the simple thought brings a smile to my face - it would seem insane to the passer-by. But, on this journey, I carried old baggage, the old way of thinking that I had become so accustomed to. And therein lay my struggle and my introduction to having ALMOST lost the treasure of love.
See, I was selfish. I took from love, drained it. And gave a minimal effort back in return. I hid things from love. And to make matters worse, I lied in order to protect myself from having to give my full 100%. Those same lies of my past crept up and poisoned my mind again, but this time, it threatened everything. In my estimation, love had had enough. It had given me everything and I stabbed it in its face.
It was here, at this crossroads, that I had to make a decision: choose love in its entirety and pray that it would take me back or continue to hide from love and run it away for an eternity.
See, the beauty of love is that even in my fear of choosing it, I never doubted its ability to love me - even through my mistreatment and mismanagement of it. In this I found comfort. More importantly, in this, I found strength to stand up and fight for a love that was mine and mine alone. I can't lie again. So, I won't. I know that this journey in love won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But what I know for a fact is that I am naked, vulnerable and open. It's frightening. But love continues to bathe me in its protection, guard me with its never ending trust, and entice me with its sultry, sexy compassion.
I'm overwhelmed with my decision to choose love. I'd hope that it wouldn't take the reality of loss or near-loss to make me appreciate it.
I can guarantee this, I will continue to fight - until my dying day. Love deserves it. And I owe it to love to make this happen.
I'm reminded of the old saying "You don't know what you got, til it's gone." Learn from me. Know love through my story - through my eyes. Reclaim it, if you've let it go. Accept it, if it is at your door step. Forgive yourself, ask God, our source of love, for forgiveness, and he will assuredly guide you on this journey. Love is there. It's real and present.
Fall in love.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
A Letter to the 16 year old me
I've wondered, time and time again, what I would say to you. What words could I use that you wouldn't completely block out. You're stubborn. And though you're bright, conscientious and reflective, what could I say that won't sound preachy. You hate preachy. But I would be remiss if I neglected to let you know the basics - at least the basics.
That is, I love you. No really, listen to me - I absolutely love you. The people who tell you this really mean it. They love you. Not because you're a good student who doesn't get into much trouble. Not because you're on the football team. Not because you're any more special than anyone else. They love you just because. You'll come to cherish this later. It's a love you'll learn to give to others. It'll make you different from your peers.
At this point, you haven't really made a mistake. You define the world through rose colored glasses, a perfect lens that only shows the good. But your world will come crashing down soon, and you'll need to let go in order to make it through. The good news - you're victorious. You win. You survive. The bad news - there is scar tissue that you'll carry from this into adulthood. But there are some things I want you to remember that will help you - us - to take those first steps to grow.
We lose "mama" this year. Our grandmother, our rock. The person who had you recite "Hey, black child" more times than you can recall. The woman who told white lies to protect you, who spoiled you against your parents' wishes. Yes, her. She leaves you - us. I want you to cry. I want you to actively miss her so that the dreams I experience now are not so riddled by her presence. Let her go. Get angry - for once. Be envious of those who have grandmothers. I don't care what it is. Just feel. I give you - us - permission to feel. And when she's on her deathbed and you're asked to tell her your final words, speak confidently and let her know that you love her. Let her know how much you mean to you. What she has given you these past 16 years is a confidence only a freed slave can appreciate. Let her know this!
You're going to start dating this year. You'll be asked to many proms and winter formals. You'll find yourself a magnet for the young ladies. You'll think about and want intimacy with a woman more than ever before. Don't fret. In due time, all of this will happen. The acne will go away. Your second growth spurt is just around the corner. You'll appreciate it later - but for now, just prepare to buy bigger shoes. And you'll become a fairly good driver - with the exception of that speeding ticket. Shhh. it gets pulled later. :-)
You'll lose some friends as you transition from High School to college. But, I want you to enjoy this time as if these were your last days. You'll look back one day and smile, a very pleased expression confirming you exhausted all outlets for fun and excitement. You need that. Don't worry. You'll make new friends and lose some of them too.
Don't put as much confidence in your physical appearance as you do in your faith and intellect. You develop a keen logic during this time but you won't fuse that with emotion until many years later. It's okay. What you bottle up now will make its way out of you, through the tear ducts of your eyes and the vibrations off your vocal cords. You'll be whole one day. Just give it time.
Don't be afraid to love God. I know you don't understand life. And the sheltered parts of you can't conceptualize struggle. But, you'll lose. You're a chemist, my friend. A brilliant chemist who will one day change the world. And the house you are moving into is about to be the brithplace of your love affair with chemistry. This won't be your home for long. Actually, after these years, you never look back.
A young lady will come into your life - Antoinette is her name. Treat her well. If you can avoid being a selfish brat with her, do so, though something tells me you'll fail at this one. But beleive me, things come full circle. You will love her. She'll lay the foundation for you to become a true romantic. Let her challenge you, change you for the better. Those late night conversations will be but a forecast of what is to come. Love and enjoy this time. It's going to teach you a lot.
Lastly, I want to address your (our) fears. People will die - but they won't do it to spite or abandon you. They do it simply because God has a greater plan for them - and you. You'll witness young and old pass away. Michael Jackson won't live to see 100 like you think. Real R&B will fade away and these years will become a memory. But approach it all head on! Be bold. Be free! When you're heart flutters due to apprehension, use that fear to catapult you to become greater, better.
We are victorious in the end. Remember that. We are successful in the end. It's our destiny. We are open to love in the end. Imagine that!
I love you my friend. God loves you.
You'll be just fine.
We'll be just fine.
That is, I love you. No really, listen to me - I absolutely love you. The people who tell you this really mean it. They love you. Not because you're a good student who doesn't get into much trouble. Not because you're on the football team. Not because you're any more special than anyone else. They love you just because. You'll come to cherish this later. It's a love you'll learn to give to others. It'll make you different from your peers.
At this point, you haven't really made a mistake. You define the world through rose colored glasses, a perfect lens that only shows the good. But your world will come crashing down soon, and you'll need to let go in order to make it through. The good news - you're victorious. You win. You survive. The bad news - there is scar tissue that you'll carry from this into adulthood. But there are some things I want you to remember that will help you - us - to take those first steps to grow.
We lose "mama" this year. Our grandmother, our rock. The person who had you recite "Hey, black child" more times than you can recall. The woman who told white lies to protect you, who spoiled you against your parents' wishes. Yes, her. She leaves you - us. I want you to cry. I want you to actively miss her so that the dreams I experience now are not so riddled by her presence. Let her go. Get angry - for once. Be envious of those who have grandmothers. I don't care what it is. Just feel. I give you - us - permission to feel. And when she's on her deathbed and you're asked to tell her your final words, speak confidently and let her know that you love her. Let her know how much you mean to you. What she has given you these past 16 years is a confidence only a freed slave can appreciate. Let her know this!
You're going to start dating this year. You'll be asked to many proms and winter formals. You'll find yourself a magnet for the young ladies. You'll think about and want intimacy with a woman more than ever before. Don't fret. In due time, all of this will happen. The acne will go away. Your second growth spurt is just around the corner. You'll appreciate it later - but for now, just prepare to buy bigger shoes. And you'll become a fairly good driver - with the exception of that speeding ticket. Shhh. it gets pulled later. :-)
You'll lose some friends as you transition from High School to college. But, I want you to enjoy this time as if these were your last days. You'll look back one day and smile, a very pleased expression confirming you exhausted all outlets for fun and excitement. You need that. Don't worry. You'll make new friends and lose some of them too.
Don't put as much confidence in your physical appearance as you do in your faith and intellect. You develop a keen logic during this time but you won't fuse that with emotion until many years later. It's okay. What you bottle up now will make its way out of you, through the tear ducts of your eyes and the vibrations off your vocal cords. You'll be whole one day. Just give it time.
Don't be afraid to love God. I know you don't understand life. And the sheltered parts of you can't conceptualize struggle. But, you'll lose. You're a chemist, my friend. A brilliant chemist who will one day change the world. And the house you are moving into is about to be the brithplace of your love affair with chemistry. This won't be your home for long. Actually, after these years, you never look back.
A young lady will come into your life - Antoinette is her name. Treat her well. If you can avoid being a selfish brat with her, do so, though something tells me you'll fail at this one. But beleive me, things come full circle. You will love her. She'll lay the foundation for you to become a true romantic. Let her challenge you, change you for the better. Those late night conversations will be but a forecast of what is to come. Love and enjoy this time. It's going to teach you a lot.
Lastly, I want to address your (our) fears. People will die - but they won't do it to spite or abandon you. They do it simply because God has a greater plan for them - and you. You'll witness young and old pass away. Michael Jackson won't live to see 100 like you think. Real R&B will fade away and these years will become a memory. But approach it all head on! Be bold. Be free! When you're heart flutters due to apprehension, use that fear to catapult you to become greater, better.
We are victorious in the end. Remember that. We are successful in the end. It's our destiny. We are open to love in the end. Imagine that!
I love you my friend. God loves you.
You'll be just fine.
We'll be just fine.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thankfulness
I'd stare at them, face askew and tilted, while they jumped up and down, eyes swelling and hands stretched, as to reach the ceiling or some invisible apparition to which I was not privy. It was comical, and sometimes frightening to see bodies, once under human control, now limber, serene, connected to the unknown. They'd cry. More than cry. They'd weep - a stream of tears so genuine that it felt foreign to me. I was not a part of this community though I sat rows away from these sights and sounds. But how could I understand? I was someone who had sworn off emotion as a coping mechanism to maintain some socially constructed idea of masculinity. How foolish was I.
Some of them would run, a fire lit ever so strategically in their shirts near the position where the heart lay behind the rib cage. They would pant. Others ran to extinguish some burning that had taken hold of their feet. I had never felt it, so why did they. This too was funny - and yet frightening.
I'd turn to my grandmother on these Sundays, face shown with half amusement/half curiosity and I would ask "Why do people do that? Why do they act like THAT?" She'd calmly turn to me, bright chocolate face with the whitest pearls of teeth, and she'd whisper, "Baby, you gotta go through somethin' to understand why people act like THAT."
That message, though simple, never left me. But it also didn't make sense. Go through something? How unfair - that my belonging to a group was dependent solely on an experience I had yet to have. I wasn't sure that in my lifetime I would ever go through something. I'd never be a part of THAT community.
I was wrong.
In reflection, now, I can see that my grandmother never put a stipulation on the act of praise, the outcry of pure thankfulness to the creator. I made that part up. She was simply putting life into a perspective that I, as her sheltered grandson, could understand.
Now after all these years I get it. I get the reason why, when a certain song is sung by a choir or soloist, one can't keep still. Why sitting and thinking about the possibilities of life and how the negative ones have been miraculously avoided can cause someone's eyes to swell with tears. I now know what those people were reaching for. There's never been an invisible force or apparition. They were simply doing what they humanly could to be fully immersed in praise - to show the creator that they, indeed, were
THANKFUL.
And grandma was right (Ms. Agnes Brimmer always was).. I had to go through something to truly understand. To be catalyzed into a community that knows that nothing that occurs in this life is a random, chance happening.
I sit sometimes and experience those tears of thankfulness. I imagine the many times God has pulled me out of the worst situations and placed me back on my path. How despite my shortcomings and those of my family, community, and city, I am still able to receive new grace and mercy everyday.
To feel like I can't fail because I'm covered, protected, shielded from harm - for this I'm thankful. For a loving family who supports me in my endeavors and when I fail - for this I'm thankful. For a breath of fresh air, a body free of disease and ailment, a working mind, countless second chances - I AM THANKFUL.
I could go on and on. But just know that I am and have always been a part of that community of thankfulness. It just took going through something to reveal that to me.
fin.
Some of them would run, a fire lit ever so strategically in their shirts near the position where the heart lay behind the rib cage. They would pant. Others ran to extinguish some burning that had taken hold of their feet. I had never felt it, so why did they. This too was funny - and yet frightening.
I'd turn to my grandmother on these Sundays, face shown with half amusement/half curiosity and I would ask "Why do people do that? Why do they act like THAT?" She'd calmly turn to me, bright chocolate face with the whitest pearls of teeth, and she'd whisper, "Baby, you gotta go through somethin' to understand why people act like THAT."
That message, though simple, never left me. But it also didn't make sense. Go through something? How unfair - that my belonging to a group was dependent solely on an experience I had yet to have. I wasn't sure that in my lifetime I would ever go through something. I'd never be a part of THAT community.
I was wrong.
In reflection, now, I can see that my grandmother never put a stipulation on the act of praise, the outcry of pure thankfulness to the creator. I made that part up. She was simply putting life into a perspective that I, as her sheltered grandson, could understand.
Now after all these years I get it. I get the reason why, when a certain song is sung by a choir or soloist, one can't keep still. Why sitting and thinking about the possibilities of life and how the negative ones have been miraculously avoided can cause someone's eyes to swell with tears. I now know what those people were reaching for. There's never been an invisible force or apparition. They were simply doing what they humanly could to be fully immersed in praise - to show the creator that they, indeed, were
THANKFUL.
And grandma was right (Ms. Agnes Brimmer always was).. I had to go through something to truly understand. To be catalyzed into a community that knows that nothing that occurs in this life is a random, chance happening.
I sit sometimes and experience those tears of thankfulness. I imagine the many times God has pulled me out of the worst situations and placed me back on my path. How despite my shortcomings and those of my family, community, and city, I am still able to receive new grace and mercy everyday.
To feel like I can't fail because I'm covered, protected, shielded from harm - for this I'm thankful. For a loving family who supports me in my endeavors and when I fail - for this I'm thankful. For a breath of fresh air, a body free of disease and ailment, a working mind, countless second chances - I AM THANKFUL.
I could go on and on. But just know that I am and have always been a part of that community of thankfulness. It just took going through something to reveal that to me.
fin.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Prayer and Praise: A Year In Reflection
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name....
I grew up saying this prayer. And yet, before this year happened, I never grew to make this prayer a true prayer, a personal experience - a conversation between me and God. My praise, as well, was restricted to me saying 'thanks' to God for answering my prayers in a fashion I deemed appropriate. Immature at best.
But, what happens when I make the hugest decision in my life up to this point, leaving a life, career, comfort, and existence behind to follow God's voice? To put pure faith to the test in light of EVERYTHING telling me I should run in the exact opposite direction?
In this context, prayer and praise HAD TO CHANGE. They had to grow. They had to become owned experiences, personal occurrences that were birthed from the most vulnerable, sincerest parts of my soul.
I stand today triumphant, and honestly it is a triumph that I know could only come from a God of infinite power and unconditional love.
People see my smile - I wear it purposefully. But what they wouldn't be able to comprehend is what the smile masks. See, prior to going to pharmacy school, I was fired from a job for making a horrible judgement call. And while my heart and intentions were honorable, my methodology was irresponsible, callous and foolish at best. Along with this, I lost my condo. Bills and payments were piling up on me and I simply couldn't afford the expenses of life. I hid my depression from everyone, embarrassed by the reality of my humanity. For someone who had been so successful before in life, the brick wall of failure that I ran into at 100 miles per hour was a wake up call that affected every atom of my being. The RULE: tell no one but my mother. But I learned quickly, that the truth will shine bright, even if locked away in a dark closet.
I was not in control - like I thought before. I was not above failure - like I believed. I was not incapable of lying and bringing grief to those who trusted me - like I claimed. I had been and done the exact opposite.
And yet, God still loved me.
My prayers had no choice but to become an outcry, a reality session with my humanity, my imperfections. And slowly to my amazement, I started noticing God's unconditional love materialize in ways that I couldn't and wouldn't have ever been able to predict.
Slowly, I started losing 'friends,' people who I thought would stand by my side as I had done theirs so many times before in their moments of failure. This wasn't the case. He allowed me to see that these people were friends with an image, a facade - not the real Johmyrin. I shouldn't have expected much more from them than a 'good time only friendship.' And therefore, I needed to be rid of those connections. But, my healing from this didn't stop there. God allowed me to love them in spite of their criticism, their backbiting, their treachery of my loyalty. He allowed me to forgive, genuinely - lovingly. To let go the hurt I felt so that I could make space for real, long lasting friendships.
Next, God gave me a home to replace my house. He put me in a situation where he could answer the prayers of a 14 year old version of myself, a child whose main prayer was to live with his father, to grow to understand why I did certain things like sniff uncontrollably or laugh contagiously at the smallest things. Now I know. I see my reflection in my father every day I wake up. Only a loving God who listens could do something like this for imperfect me. Words will never be able to express my appreciation for God being just who God is.
Lastly, in my search for forgiveness and true repentance, God gave me a job opportunity that wasn't just immediately valuable but that will impact my profession in ways I don't think I have even imagined. Only God.
So, my PRAISE had to change.
I reflect now and tears start to flow - genuine tears of thanksgiving. Tears of Praise. I'm doing okay. Actually, I'm doing extremely well. In all that I have lost, what I have gained is so much more valuable. My discernment is clear. My connectedness to what is good in this world is strong. I am empowered by my own ability to understand that no one in this world is perfect. That we all fall short. But that God's love is real and active - everyday in our lives.
I know I've just begun this journey. There's much more to endure. But I see victory. I feel triumph. And at the end of the day, I know that this year has been about God making me into the man I need to be to do his work. I don't know why I've been hand-picked, but God's been too good to me for me to dessert his promise now.
My prayer and praise is real.
fin.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
"You aint special!": Life Lessons in Real Humility
I'm not sure about most people, but for me, humility has been the most passive expression. It's what I don't do in light of others. What I shouldn't say at key times. How I shouldn't behave in certain situations.
For instance, humility has meant, not talking about my GPA when others around me struggle in certain classes. Or, not boasting about opportunities I've been granted in light of so many who needed those same ones. Not talking about my salary in a public arena. Etc.
What.The.F*ck.Ever.
And then, like most of my 'coming of age' experiences, I woke up with the sour, lasting realization that I needed to make a major paradigm shift in order for me to adequately survive AND live in this world, as it unfolds in front of me.
I've been doing this thing called humility all wrong - as if it was something to do and NOT a mindset I should freely accept. This whole time, I've treated courtesy as humility. And now. I can see they are totally different.
Let me give you some background on this: See I was raised with everything I needed and wanted - much of which I was not required to work to get. I asked for things, and, most times, they were given to me. I was a 'good person' and I treated others with respect and dignity. Therefore, in my mind, I deserved all the good the world had to give. People should want to be nice to me, should go out of their way to treat me fairly, should act in my best interest, and should feel obliged to choose me over others because I 'worked hard.'
Ha.
No one ever took the time to tell me that the world doesn't quite operate like that.
Who cares if I'm a good person or that I work hard. I'd like to believe that the vast majority of the people on this planet subscribe to those same two descriptors. There were plenty of good, hardworking people in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001. Some excellent, creative, beautiful spirits that rested on the coasts of Japan when the Tsunamis hit in 2011. Vibrant, good-spirited individuals who camped in the Waco, Texas compound run by David Koresh in the early 90's. And yet, all these people - each and every one of them, were the inheritors of ill-fated tragedy.
Now I can honestly say that "I aint special" and smile courageously. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And I may inherit the mistakes of others at some point.
See, I've asked "why me" for far too long. "Why, Lord, am I going through this?" "Why me, out of all the people on the planet?"
Foolish, man. Simply foolish. Because at the heart of my complaint rested something that was the antithesis of humility. Some subtle spirit of selfishness. The true question I had been asking all along was "Why not someone else?"
I've felt this sentiment way too often in myself and people I've met throughout my life. And while I can only pray for their "Come to Jesus" moment of awakening, I have full power over making positive change in my own life.
"I aint special" and it feels great to say that. I realize now more than ever, that I live my life on borrowed grace and mercy from God above. By being granted a measure of favor that should be acknowledged and appreciated. By pains and inconveniences that are sharpening me to be the sharpest knife in the drawer.
I've learned that, ultimately, humility is about being genuinely thankful in knowing that though you are not special inherently, God specializes in using the imperfect, downtrodden and underprivileged to be vicars of his infinite love.
No. I aint special. But I've been called to do special work.
And I'm okay with that.
fin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)