Finding Beauty in All Things

As cliche as it is, I've started a project that allows me to get back to a part of me that I lost some time ago. I'm reclaiming the undying optimist, the part of me that fights for the good that I know exists in all of God's creatures and things.

My most recent project is called The Art of Blight. I walk/ride around New Orleans and find areas of the city abandoned by its inhabitants - some from the devastation left behind by Hurricane Katrina. Others, due to a myriad of causes that have allowed paint colors to fade, fixtures to crack and break and foundations to fold under the dominant pressure of time and the elements. And yet, I've allowed myself to find beauty in it all.

I recall on a trip to Egypt when I decided to embrace the local culture and found insurmountable beauty in the downtrodden smiles of the local homeless beggars. Or when I strayed away from the Puerto Rican resort to make the uncomfortable encounter with locals who lived on a weekly allowance less than a days pay of work. Even in this, I was able to find overwhelming beauty and passion. It's the idea of smiling through it all!

This inspired me then and I am reclaiming it now. Each and every house tells a story. I hope to capture this story at a place where most have ended it. With every picture I post, I am resurrecting that joy and optimism within me.

Here's to reclamation of self.

It's about time!

fin.

for pictures, I'd like you to check out my instagram: PharmICEistJoh

A Calling

I listened to a clip of a sermon by Bishop T. D. Jakes today that literally shook the foundation from under me - it was just that powerful. I actually could feel tears accumulate in the pockets of my eyes. Something about knowing that God has called you to do something great in his name just becomes so hard to conceptualize by it feels simply amazing.

Here's the link: 

Post by T.D. Jakes Ministries.

I don't know what God has called me for but I know it's something big. In offering a bit of clarity, I'm not at all looking for the glory. But how outstanding is it to know that God has chosen somebody like me to do his work?

My Pops would tell me "Son, don't question 'why' the Father chose you. Instead, think 'why not me'" So, it's with that confidence, standing in God's glory for my life, that I take up this cross and bear it.

Will I make mistakes? Absolutely. If nothing else, marriage has shown me how to humble myself to the idea of messing up. My saving grace is that God paired me with someone who truly understands forgiveness - so I make it out of mistakes pretty well.

Will I stray? I hope not. But I am human and I am stubborn. My faith walk isn't nearly as narrow as I'd like it to be but I am farther along this journey than when I started.

The words still resound as I type this: God didn't make a mistake when he called you....

My, my, my....

fin.

Tunnel Vision

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

One of the areas of struggle in my life that I continuously pray that God help to mature is that of my vision. Not so much what I see with my eyes, though that vision is slowly becoming fuzzier with age. But instead, I am referring to my spiritual vision, that which can see the handwork of God through a spirit of gratitude - rather than a spirit of scrutiny. Sometimes I feel like I have put on scuba gear, as I swim in the sea of God's blessings, seeing only what passes in front of the swimming goggles I have on. 

I've evaluated what's the source of my self-limitation. Could it be that I am not appreciative enough? Have I not humbled myself to the will and power of God? Am I just a close-minded Christian stuck in a childish view of the master? I'm not sure. But, I know from addicts who are in twelve step programs, that admittance is the first step in the journey to growth and change.  

So where do I stand with my current struggle? It rests in the fact that I try to limit God by putting human parameters on God's works. Let me use an analogy to explain: I ask for ice cream. God gives me a banana split because it has ice cream, bananas and the caramel topping I love. I am still looking around for ice cream. 

Get it? 

See, I don't want to put limits on God, or allow my mind a space to try to predict the type of blessing God has in store for me. The scripture says he can do exceeding, abundantly ABOVE all that I can ask or think, and yet I struggle in both thinking (too much) when what I am asking for doesn't appear in the form I would have liked it. 

Well, I'm over it. Time and time again, God has shown me that his faithfulness to me is completely rooted in love - a love that surpasses anything I've ever experienced before. Though my imperfections would drag me to hell, he still finds a way to love me - with no effort and its renewed every second. 

My prayer: Father God, you know me best. In those times where my perspective is clouded by anticipation, anxiety, expectation, and limitation, I ask that you give me peace and clarity. That you always remind me of how to praise until I witness the break through. How to know that when its far beyond anything I could have thought, it's you. I don't know me as well as you, my creator. So I ask you to enter beyond the veil of my free will and be the catalyst within me to motivate my peace and contentment. Also Father, allow me to be a major blessing to others, before, during and after I have received your abundance. Allow me to sow seeds in everyone I meet that will grow into a curiosity within them drawing them closer to you. I know your major concern with us here in this realm is our relationship with you. I want to grow - pass the tests - and receive ALL that you have promised for me. 

Amen. 

Be in prayer, with and for me guys..... 

fin.

I miss my pops...

At this very moment, I need your advice, your insight, your gift.

but you're gone.

Right Now. Today.

It's extremely easy for me to focus on that over which I have no control. Or those things I find myself deficient of in light of those around me. But who wants to live that kind of life?

I've always seen this as the eternal flaw of the over-achiever.

Therefore, I've made a choice. One that will sustain me through this life, through my interactions with others, and within the confines of my own faith. I've chosen to give it up to the Father.

Don't believe for a second that this is easy for me. Or that I am so willing to "leave it all at the altar" - as the mothers of the church would say. But, as I bargain with the ideas of faith and worry, the former allows me to release a burden of stress, while the former will assuredly kill me before I'm able to walk into my promises as a husband, father, career professional, etc.

I'm not where I want to be in my life. Honestly, I've lost my outlook on what actualized goals will allow me to see indicators of success, some form of signal that I'm at least making progress. I need to go back to the drawing board on that one. Once I've conjured that list of ideas,  I'll then leave THOSE THINGS at the altar.

Don't misinterpret me. I know faith without works is dead. So, I know that I've got to change my game up. I've got to work more. To work out more. To work smarter. I've got to begin to use my brain to get me through these goals. I've got to sacrifice sleep and energy to become the person I want to see myself as in the next 10 years.

I need to be specific. Thorough. Patient.

I have to position myself to be in the right place at the right time so that opportunity has no choice but to find me. I need this universe to bend at my will so that all that the Father has in store for me, I inherit in ways I could never imagine.

So, as I said - I'm giving it over to faith. I'm taking the road less traveled and meeting my fears face-to-face.

Today. Will. Be. Different.

An Open Letter to Madison

I've imagined your face time and time again, written your name in my passwords, dreamed of how you will politely wipe your grits off your mouth instead of spitting like other children. And yet, amidst my dreams and faith that you'll be here with us soon, I forgot about you. And for that baby girl I'm sorry.

I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I became my own worst fear - the potentiation of fatherlessness to an underserving soul. It was there, between the shadows of doubt and confusion that I let my own mind begin to sink deeply into a place where you existed less and less - where time ran its course only to have you not appear in my life. 

I owe you my sincerest apologies. 

In fact, I'm better now. And my love for you is no different today than what it has ever been. I am more excited now about your first words (which should be daddy). Or your little embroidered blankets that will smell like you. Those cat eyes you will inherit from your mother. The silky, jet black curly hair that I'll learn to comb one day. The way you grab my cheeks and "zer-berk" me. Your first tooth. First step. First spelling bee. First Christmas. First birthday. First community service project. first trip out of the country. First time interacting with other babies your age. Graduations. Rites of Passage. Being a big sister to your brothers. Those daddy/daughter moments we'll share over and over again. 

All of it. 

I've decided that you and your mother are worth my faith, my belief that I can't see Marriage or fatherhood in my present but I know for a fact that it is in my future. 

I've decided to put in 100% so that, God-willing, I can get that much and potentially more out of this experience. It is true what they say "you get from something what you put into it." So I'm choosing to be all in. I have a ton of stuff to learn and a million more mistakes that I'll make. But I promise you I'm here for you. I'll work hard to make sure you have a life that other children envy. I'll work on myself so that you always see my smile careen through any situation - because, baby girl, I'm choosing the joy of faith rather than the despair of doubt. 

I look forward to meeting you. And I'm choosing to immortalize this contract between us so that I'll always have a reminder that I made the choice for family. 

Love you Madison, 

Daddy. 

Grace, Mercy and Peace

Sometimes, I stand in awe, still wondering why God saw fit to save me from a life of sin and selfishness and usher me into a world where I have inherited just a taste of what he's capable of providing. It's simply amazing. I listened to the words preached by my pastor today and it truly put things in perspective. God, through prayer, offers his children three gifts: grace, mercy and peace.

Grace - God's blessings to us in spite of the fact that we don't deserve it. Mercy - God's covering over us to ensure his divine will for our lives is realized rather than what the world would have our legacy become. And Peace - the stability of mind, body and soul that comes from God alone. I just get overwhelmed with thankfulness in light of knowing what could have happened if I wasn't willing to let God answer my prayers.

I must admit - it hasn't been easy. There have been so many lessons that I've had to learn along this journey, so many ways I've had to humble myself in order to fully see the Father's love for me. But I'm taking it one day at a time and letting God's will take precedence.

Tonight, I want to pray for some of my friends out there who may not have anyone to pray for them. That they may experience God's love and respond in light of it. That they understand that even in the midnight hour, God can turn it around and make it work out in their favor. There's such a joy in my heart. I truly do believe in God's love and I want others to know it as well.

Here's to a great week. Be prosperous, be blessed, experience God's love.

fin.