Nothing more than feelings

Spending time with you makes me even more confused.
Getting texts from you drives me insane.
Looking into your eyes and seeing you say words that are casts of your real emotions - frustrating.
Hearing your heart with mine makes me sadder than I've ever been.

But I am learning to forget you.
Its frustrating, because while you weren't my first, I was yours. But to me, it felt like an extremely special interaction. And I see how hard it is you try to gloss over the idea of their being a strong bond there. Sometimes, I wish we didn't take that step. I wanted to be your friend and only that. But you wanted more. And now, you have built a wall around your psyche, just tall enough for me to see your true emotions but still be confused by my own interpretation.

I thought I had grown up. I thought I was making better decisions - not putting myself in the way of trouble, neither emotional nor physical. And I took the chance on developing a friendship with you. And while that was a good call, I should have never, ever let me guard down. I've spent 23 years of my life being guarded. Giving only so much of me in a relationship so that if it ended badly, I wouldn't have made the emotional investment in the first place. So I would be okay. But I can't keep living like this. I can't pretend that being emotionally hollow is any way to live... yet, we went ahead and completely messed that up.

I should have said no to your request.

But really, aint no time for shoulda, coulda, wouldas. At this point, I'm forgetting. Its the only way I can mentally heal. I'm forgetting about the immense joy I get when seeing you, or the way your conversation makes me smile. I am forgetting about how the passion in our love making sends a flood of chills up and down my spine. I'm forgetting it all.

Ironically, you have helped me. You let me see that I have the emotional capacity to give of myself. But you also helped me see how "caution" should always be exercised in the game of feelings. So, I'll end with Rihanna...

How bout a round of applause? Standing ovation?
Cause you put on quite a show - really had me goin. 
Now its time to go, curtains finally closin.
That was quite a show, very entertainin... but its over now. 
Go on and take a bow. 


shit.