Com-part-men-tal-ize

v. To divide into categories or compartments. 

I've never been able to appropriately compartmentalize any of my emotions. I'm guessing I haven't quite reached the higher levels of Freud's hierarchy of needs. Nevertheless, I am aware. So, I can adapt - in order to survive. Survival technique - shut down. It sounds like an avoidance technique because it IS! But it's worked pretty well so far. Or so I thought. Recently, I feel like I haven't been able to shut down. Feelings of loneliness take over - emotional loneliness, romantic loneliness, loneliness that success brings, and so forth and so on. Most dramatically has been this loneliness of self that I have experienced all my life. 

See, momma and daddy didn't pursue any degrees as high as mine. So there's always that point of reference that they miss or that I have to forego in order to maintain the status quo. But it's annoying and frustrating. Because, as I decide on a move out of New Orleans, I find myself wanting to have that family base of people who understand - who will know what it feels like to be stressed out and away from home. BUT I don't. My parents and sister won't understand what it means to be pursuing a terminal degree and all the stress associated with that. And because I can not compartmentalize appropriately, I find myself feeling overwhelmed with sadness and grief. WTF! I just want to have someone in my corner. Someone I can call and just have them sit and listen to me bitch and moan (maybe even shed tears) for a minute. I don't have that. See, shutting down has always made me the friend I am talking about - the one who can sit and listen to a million problems of those around me without adding or taking away from the experience. But this too is alienating. It just makes me feel lonely. Thoughts of those low moments to come are those that have been keeping me up in the evenings. I don't know what to do! 

Some people say "pray." Relationship with God - in need of some serious repair. ugh. I've always sucked at commitment. 

I have about 7 months to get this together but I know I can not get through this on my own. I'll be looking to become more vulnerable, opening up in ways that make me uncomfortable. Just hope I don't get seriously hurt in the process.