I'm putting on my Doctoral robes. The fresh scent of anticipation is wet on my nose. I can even feel the heat of the stage lights warming my brow as I cross the threshold into this next stage of my life. The crowd's loud applause serenade my confidence and yet, I look down to see no one. There are thousands of seats and, in them, are faces that are blurred to my best recollection - zigzagged spots emitting sound but not connected to souls. And then, there, to my surprise, I see her. She's been there the whole time, silent and serene. Her smile of pride letting me know that she is most proud. Proud that my living hasn't been in vain. Proud that I have upheld her teaching. Proud that I haven't lost myself or my past in the sea of degrees.
Then her clear, beautiful brown face begins to fade. She doesn't wave goodbye. She doesn't blow a kiss. I need something though. Something to keep me. Something more than her smile to let me know that I am really making her proud. I've never truly cared about anybody's approval except hers. I need... Then, she disappears. And as she leaves, the blurry images become more defined - a crowd of insignificance. I don't even notice that I have received my degree and sash.
I wake up. Tears streaming down my face. I miss her. There's no other explanation. I simply miss her. My grandmother, Agnes Enola Brimmer. So rarely do I talk about her or think about her. But she's always in my heart. It's times when I'm about to reach a milestone in my journey that I think strongly about her and how I wish she could be in the audience - showing me how proud of me she really is. I feel like parents have an obligation to do so. But grandparents come from a different place of love, care and support. Hers was so genuine and I miss it. Even as I type I'm reminded of her sweet potato pies, the days we'd sit and watch soap operas when I was sick from school, the random presents she'd buy me for my academic accomplishments. I just miss it. Man, I really miss it. And to think, as she laid in that hospital bed breathing her last breaths, I was too afraid to say 'goodbye' because I didn't want her to think I had given up on her; she'd never given up on me. But now, I wonder if she knows I miss her and that I love her. I keep working hard to show her that I want a better life. That I honor her through being the grandchild who continues to reach bigger and better goals.
A part of me knows she's proud - but the young boy inside wants his grandma back. I hope to give her a big hug one day in the future. Until then, these dreams will have to suffice.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
When did you become ENTITLED?
I teach. And in the midst of that, I try to inspire people to like (or at least appreciate) what it is they're learning. And yet bundled into this package deal of teacher-student reciprocity, I find that there are areas where I am at a complete loss of understanding. There's a disconnect between how I interpreted school as a teenager and how they view it today. In high school, it was never a student vs. teacher mentality - at least not in my mind. I was made to feel like ownership of my education rested in the hands of many different stakeholders, but more specifically, me, my family, my teachers, and my community members.
In a recent conversation with a student, I felt like this disconnect became more apparent than ever. The student seemed to blame me for grades he had earned and thought there was some unfairness there. The reality of the situation is that he failed quizzes connected to reading assignments because he failed to prepare appropriately. Completely his fault. (I never once received a phone call, email or text seeking help but he did text to complain.) In quiet prayer and reflection, I had an epiphany that worries me tremendously. See, when that student spoke, he wasn't just representing himself. No, not at all. But what he did represent was any and everybody who has ever shown signs of staggered growth. It inspired me so much that I sought to observe individuals in my life who showed signs of staggered growth - I, myself, was included in this.
Some interesting re-occurrences started to show face as I took that quiet step back.
Accountability. I worry about this area the most. Because I always felt connected to my school work along with my teachers, there was never a time that my poor performance was not connected to a reason I wasn't ready to fully accept and correct. My students rarely read their text books or seek extra help and yet they are not ready to accept that these bad study habits are not conducive to high performance in my class. Rigor becomes an alien concept. Blame is tossed around. And artificial guilt is imposed as a mechanism that will get students grades to magically change. But who changes the student? How can we draw the invisible line that connects student habit to performance. Reading before class is NOT enough. Looking only at the bold words is a basic study skill. I often times ask myself how will they respond to professors in college. [troubled thoughts]
Attitude. One's disposition toward school can no longer be flight or fight - some contrived survival mechanism where students just want to get out. Was there some change in the last 8-10 years that makes students believe that teachers are enemies and not accomplices. I was taught the importance of connecting with your stakeholders. Some students today simply separate themselves from their teachers. When will education be demystified? I guess this is why when students see teachers outside of school it is any experience similar to an alien sighting.
Use of Resources. Is it a societal mentality or one particular to procrastinating students that causes them to ONLY access tutoring, study sessions, review materials, etc. within days of an assessment? Whatever happened to spreading your work out. Or seeking the internet and other mediums of assistance to help you uncover the challenges one has with content? I keep my phone number on my board along with my email address and I can guarantee that I only get phone calls or texts from 2% of my students - and those are usually the night before an assessment.
These were the top three areas of concern. Parents and community members need to be concerned. These are the individuals who will be applying for jobs on the local and national front. These are the individuals who will be applying to colleges in a very short amount of time. Interestingly enough, these are the adults you work with today. I applied these situations to the work place and we can all identify with people who suffer from a lack of these important 3 qualities on the job. Usually they are not with the company very long.
I am doing what I can and getting the backlash from it. I guess a part of me is worried that I could potentially raise a child who gets sucked into this attitude of entitlement. I suffer from it at times but I am at least conscious of areas I need to improve upon.
I think this was just a venting blog. hmm... any suggestions?
In a recent conversation with a student, I felt like this disconnect became more apparent than ever. The student seemed to blame me for grades he had earned and thought there was some unfairness there. The reality of the situation is that he failed quizzes connected to reading assignments because he failed to prepare appropriately. Completely his fault. (I never once received a phone call, email or text seeking help but he did text to complain.) In quiet prayer and reflection, I had an epiphany that worries me tremendously. See, when that student spoke, he wasn't just representing himself. No, not at all. But what he did represent was any and everybody who has ever shown signs of staggered growth. It inspired me so much that I sought to observe individuals in my life who showed signs of staggered growth - I, myself, was included in this.
Some interesting re-occurrences started to show face as I took that quiet step back.
Accountability. I worry about this area the most. Because I always felt connected to my school work along with my teachers, there was never a time that my poor performance was not connected to a reason I wasn't ready to fully accept and correct. My students rarely read their text books or seek extra help and yet they are not ready to accept that these bad study habits are not conducive to high performance in my class. Rigor becomes an alien concept. Blame is tossed around. And artificial guilt is imposed as a mechanism that will get students grades to magically change. But who changes the student? How can we draw the invisible line that connects student habit to performance. Reading before class is NOT enough. Looking only at the bold words is a basic study skill. I often times ask myself how will they respond to professors in college. [troubled thoughts]
Attitude. One's disposition toward school can no longer be flight or fight - some contrived survival mechanism where students just want to get out. Was there some change in the last 8-10 years that makes students believe that teachers are enemies and not accomplices. I was taught the importance of connecting with your stakeholders. Some students today simply separate themselves from their teachers. When will education be demystified? I guess this is why when students see teachers outside of school it is any experience similar to an alien sighting.
Use of Resources. Is it a societal mentality or one particular to procrastinating students that causes them to ONLY access tutoring, study sessions, review materials, etc. within days of an assessment? Whatever happened to spreading your work out. Or seeking the internet and other mediums of assistance to help you uncover the challenges one has with content? I keep my phone number on my board along with my email address and I can guarantee that I only get phone calls or texts from 2% of my students - and those are usually the night before an assessment.
These were the top three areas of concern. Parents and community members need to be concerned. These are the individuals who will be applying for jobs on the local and national front. These are the individuals who will be applying to colleges in a very short amount of time. Interestingly enough, these are the adults you work with today. I applied these situations to the work place and we can all identify with people who suffer from a lack of these important 3 qualities on the job. Usually they are not with the company very long.
I am doing what I can and getting the backlash from it. I guess a part of me is worried that I could potentially raise a child who gets sucked into this attitude of entitlement. I suffer from it at times but I am at least conscious of areas I need to improve upon.
I think this was just a venting blog. hmm... any suggestions?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Three Days of Sickness
I sat here complaining about my body ailment when in essence I should have been thanking God. The old Baptist church songs speak of praising God through the good and bad times. And now I know exactly what they mean.
Sickness has a way of putting a lot of things into focus. Who your real friends are. Who you can ultimately rely on. Who hasn't lost their sense of personal care and concern in a McDonaldized society. These are all key components of my perspective that I have come to truly value. But people are fickle, capricious. So I wasn't surprised that the people I check on in their times of need are not the ones I heard on the other end of the phone. New friends and acquaintances wished me well, which was refreshing and reinvigorating. God has a funny way of showing me that he hasn't forgotten about me - even when I feel neglected. Remember my relationship with God mimics that of mine with my birth father. And as this is the model, it is easy to think that God above might be emotionally destitute like my earthly father.
I couldn't be anymore incorrect.
Healthcare. I have it. Unlike the vast number of Americans who are unnecessarily uninsured or underinsured.
Paid time off. Check! I can be at home still "making paper." The comparison here is too inequitable to mention so I won't provide one.
Bills Paid. The luxury and comfort of a home are major pluses. I pray so strongly now for sick folk who are homeless and desperate. God, please provide them with an alternative.
Support System. My parents and extended family are 15-20 min away. I know that this is a luxury I won't have when I move away after pharmacy school. So I am cherishing every single minute of this and Thanking God in the meantime.
Health. My sickness only lasted 3 days. Reports are saying the average right now is 5 days for most individuals looking to bounce back. But I've been working out, eating better, and getting my spiritual game up. These were all arsenal kept in storage just for a time like this. All have played to my advantage.
Off the top of my head, these are all things I almost forgot to appreciate. But I am standing here showing the deepest appreciation for my situation. It was an awakening and I am thankful for it.
With that said, off to post more. I've had a lot on my mind. And it needs to come out!
Sickness has a way of putting a lot of things into focus. Who your real friends are. Who you can ultimately rely on. Who hasn't lost their sense of personal care and concern in a McDonaldized society. These are all key components of my perspective that I have come to truly value. But people are fickle, capricious. So I wasn't surprised that the people I check on in their times of need are not the ones I heard on the other end of the phone. New friends and acquaintances wished me well, which was refreshing and reinvigorating. God has a funny way of showing me that he hasn't forgotten about me - even when I feel neglected. Remember my relationship with God mimics that of mine with my birth father. And as this is the model, it is easy to think that God above might be emotionally destitute like my earthly father.
I couldn't be anymore incorrect.
Healthcare. I have it. Unlike the vast number of Americans who are unnecessarily uninsured or underinsured.
Paid time off. Check! I can be at home still "making paper." The comparison here is too inequitable to mention so I won't provide one.
Bills Paid. The luxury and comfort of a home are major pluses. I pray so strongly now for sick folk who are homeless and desperate. God, please provide them with an alternative.
Support System. My parents and extended family are 15-20 min away. I know that this is a luxury I won't have when I move away after pharmacy school. So I am cherishing every single minute of this and Thanking God in the meantime.
Health. My sickness only lasted 3 days. Reports are saying the average right now is 5 days for most individuals looking to bounce back. But I've been working out, eating better, and getting my spiritual game up. These were all arsenal kept in storage just for a time like this. All have played to my advantage.
Off the top of my head, these are all things I almost forgot to appreciate. But I am standing here showing the deepest appreciation for my situation. It was an awakening and I am thankful for it.
With that said, off to post more. I've had a lot on my mind. And it needs to come out!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Black Men: Generational Disconnect
Our parents meant well. They didn't want us to struggle like they did. Their parents rose out of Jim Crow-isms, bigotry and hatred that most of us have heard about but would find ourselves the black pinata for any side-eyed discriminatory comment of a white man or woman. I don't have to give the history lesson, but its important for me to put this blog into context. Our parents got it hard, because their parents lived hard. We got it easy because our parents got it hard. Generationally, we've seen lighter times. But at what cost?
I remember how my great Uncle got up every Saturday morning, cut his grass, fixed something on his truck, brought my Great Aunt to buy groceries and still found time to enjoy a nice power walk around the block. He did this all while raising 4 kids, holding 2 jobs, and serving as Deacon at the church. He is still alive. His rituals haven't changed. And yet, the thought of this kind of life perplexes me. I am completely disconnected from him and his interpretation of "living life" but at the same time I feel as though I am losing out on some important ideologies. My context of history is found within the confines of books I read on black empowerment and historical surveillance. However, even still I feel disconnected and removed from the experience.
The cold, Post-Katrina night that I was stopped by the cops and harassed SHOULD NOT have been the defining experience that annotated the blackness of my existence in this novel of my life. But it was. I was no better than any other black man, upstanding or criminal. I was black. A black man. And unfortunately, as far as I know it, that's all I can grasp of my blackness. But recently I've been challenged to define my black "male-ness" in the context of a relationship. Going into the challenge, I knew I was at a disadvantage because at any given time in my youth I was only raised by one parent, be it my father or my mother - but not both. And not at the same time. Two doctrines that for the most part meshed well but the places they differed were drastic. So, how do I operate in today's society as a young black man looking to be in a relationship but not truly understanding the black experience? I know other black men struggle with this too. Especially when I think about my students whose frame of reference for black interaction rises out of rap songs and sports superstars. Tragic. But let's bring it back to me. I'm educated, self-aware and looking to grow, and yet, I am still searching for my "green card" of validation in the black world. My uncle gains his validation everyday that he exists and works and fathers and loves. But I don't know where to start. How do I support a family with no frame of reference for the 2 parent household? How do I lead a household like the black man is to do but show the love of my life the humanism and vulnerability that has been engrained in me from my mother? Where is the line of definition between the provider and the comforter? My uncle never has these questions - to my knowledge. He simply glides through his daily rituals unabashed by these concerns. But as I get to the age where I want to settle down, potentially start a family and/or commit myself to THE ONE, I find that I want to be on the starting line trying to weave in all these characteristics.
Mentorship is fine. I definitely have those. But usually they advise me on making academic and financial moves in my life. I am at a loss for guidance in the areas of Black Male-ness, as I have so affectionately and unfortunately come to call it. I see young black men go into relationships unprepared or underprepared and it sends a chill down my spine. I DO NOT WANT THAT. I have been in a situation where I've lost the love of my life. Now, I need to find that love again in someone new and go thru the motions of a relationship not having to feel insecure or inadequate in the tools of intimacy I bring to the table.
I actually feel better verbalizing this because I feel that other young black men are experiencing this. So maybe a reader can direct me in the right direction. Who knows, I may actually come out on top on this issue. Until then, I remain,
Confused and Single.
I remember how my great Uncle got up every Saturday morning, cut his grass, fixed something on his truck, brought my Great Aunt to buy groceries and still found time to enjoy a nice power walk around the block. He did this all while raising 4 kids, holding 2 jobs, and serving as Deacon at the church. He is still alive. His rituals haven't changed. And yet, the thought of this kind of life perplexes me. I am completely disconnected from him and his interpretation of "living life" but at the same time I feel as though I am losing out on some important ideologies. My context of history is found within the confines of books I read on black empowerment and historical surveillance. However, even still I feel disconnected and removed from the experience.
The cold, Post-Katrina night that I was stopped by the cops and harassed SHOULD NOT have been the defining experience that annotated the blackness of my existence in this novel of my life. But it was. I was no better than any other black man, upstanding or criminal. I was black. A black man. And unfortunately, as far as I know it, that's all I can grasp of my blackness. But recently I've been challenged to define my black "male-ness" in the context of a relationship. Going into the challenge, I knew I was at a disadvantage because at any given time in my youth I was only raised by one parent, be it my father or my mother - but not both. And not at the same time. Two doctrines that for the most part meshed well but the places they differed were drastic. So, how do I operate in today's society as a young black man looking to be in a relationship but not truly understanding the black experience? I know other black men struggle with this too. Especially when I think about my students whose frame of reference for black interaction rises out of rap songs and sports superstars. Tragic. But let's bring it back to me. I'm educated, self-aware and looking to grow, and yet, I am still searching for my "green card" of validation in the black world. My uncle gains his validation everyday that he exists and works and fathers and loves. But I don't know where to start. How do I support a family with no frame of reference for the 2 parent household? How do I lead a household like the black man is to do but show the love of my life the humanism and vulnerability that has been engrained in me from my mother? Where is the line of definition between the provider and the comforter? My uncle never has these questions - to my knowledge. He simply glides through his daily rituals unabashed by these concerns. But as I get to the age where I want to settle down, potentially start a family and/or commit myself to THE ONE, I find that I want to be on the starting line trying to weave in all these characteristics.
Mentorship is fine. I definitely have those. But usually they advise me on making academic and financial moves in my life. I am at a loss for guidance in the areas of Black Male-ness, as I have so affectionately and unfortunately come to call it. I see young black men go into relationships unprepared or underprepared and it sends a chill down my spine. I DO NOT WANT THAT. I have been in a situation where I've lost the love of my life. Now, I need to find that love again in someone new and go thru the motions of a relationship not having to feel insecure or inadequate in the tools of intimacy I bring to the table.
I actually feel better verbalizing this because I feel that other young black men are experiencing this. So maybe a reader can direct me in the right direction. Who knows, I may actually come out on top on this issue. Until then, I remain,
Confused and Single.
The Schizophrenia of Casual Sex
Human beings have done a damned good job of marginalizing the guy on the corner who, under the stench of many a sleepless night in front of a hotel garbage can, has developed a world within his own mind that is beautiful. violent, serene, and dangerous. You know the guy. The one who you cross the street to avoid. The one whom we can not quite look in the face for fear of attack. The one who talks aloud to no visible creature. The Main St. schizophrenic. He's the guy who PROBABLY once had it all - a stable family, nice car, decent home, financial solvency. And then, (we assume) one day he just "clicked" out and lost it all. In the most sorrowful parts of our hearts we wish he would get some mental health assistance, but this is usually overridden by our disconnectedness and unrelatedness to the "Crazy man" - a conjecture best fit for the bigotry of the 1960's.
We seem to find it easy to feel sorrowful for him but I am willing to go out on a limb (and maybe even bet a couple hundred bucks) and hypothesize that many of us live a self-sustained schizophrenia. Our bodies, minds and souls live in disjointed peace and harmony.
I recently read in GQ, an article that glorified cheating and casual sex. As I read what was a seemingly inspiring article for young, sexually active adults like myself, somehow I became disconnected from the praise the author was giving to his discoveries about one-night stands. As I am maturing and growing older, I find it harder and harder for me to have casual intimacy and then walk away unaffected. For years I lived like this, in now what I recognize as a schizophrenia. I gave many individuals a part of me, one of the most sacred parts of me and acted unaffected in the aftermath. So, exactly what was my revelation? Here it goes:
We know and recognize the existence of mind and body. One cannot properly function without the other in society. Brain dead humans and humans laying in comas are perfect examples of both - they just don't contribute anything to society. But the third portion of the human existence is the soul. YES, the soul. And while many dispute its existence, I know there is more to me than carbon and oxygen. Its the part of us that cries out to the rhythm of our favorite song. The tingly feeling above our eye brow that alerts us to someone watching. The part of us that is connected to every other part of this universe.
Without getting too philosophical, just ponder on it for a minute. Society tells us that girls are more prone to becoming attached because of the connection they have with their partner when having sex. I challenge this theory and know for a fact that girls and guys are connected to every person they've had sex with. When you see that other person, memories and feelings flood your mind. But to sustain a life where you walk away pretending you are unaffected, means you have perfected the "Crazy Man" mentality.
Don't get me wrong. I am not here to judge. But I would say that I applaud the Main St. guy more because he's transparent, liberated and aggressive about his beliefs. Most we can do as those who partake in casual sex is pretend we don't feel, dishonor our emotional attachment and swim upstream to our mental stability. I think its time we arrived at something less carnal and more aligned to the purpose of intimacy. We need to ONLY involve ourselves intimately with those we truly love and care for, which means we need to love and care for ourselves first.
This is just my charge to society. And please don't think for one second that I'm not starting with me.
We seem to find it easy to feel sorrowful for him but I am willing to go out on a limb (and maybe even bet a couple hundred bucks) and hypothesize that many of us live a self-sustained schizophrenia. Our bodies, minds and souls live in disjointed peace and harmony.
I recently read in GQ, an article that glorified cheating and casual sex. As I read what was a seemingly inspiring article for young, sexually active adults like myself, somehow I became disconnected from the praise the author was giving to his discoveries about one-night stands. As I am maturing and growing older, I find it harder and harder for me to have casual intimacy and then walk away unaffected. For years I lived like this, in now what I recognize as a schizophrenia. I gave many individuals a part of me, one of the most sacred parts of me and acted unaffected in the aftermath. So, exactly what was my revelation? Here it goes:
We know and recognize the existence of mind and body. One cannot properly function without the other in society. Brain dead humans and humans laying in comas are perfect examples of both - they just don't contribute anything to society. But the third portion of the human existence is the soul. YES, the soul. And while many dispute its existence, I know there is more to me than carbon and oxygen. Its the part of us that cries out to the rhythm of our favorite song. The tingly feeling above our eye brow that alerts us to someone watching. The part of us that is connected to every other part of this universe.
Without getting too philosophical, just ponder on it for a minute. Society tells us that girls are more prone to becoming attached because of the connection they have with their partner when having sex. I challenge this theory and know for a fact that girls and guys are connected to every person they've had sex with. When you see that other person, memories and feelings flood your mind. But to sustain a life where you walk away pretending you are unaffected, means you have perfected the "Crazy Man" mentality.
Don't get me wrong. I am not here to judge. But I would say that I applaud the Main St. guy more because he's transparent, liberated and aggressive about his beliefs. Most we can do as those who partake in casual sex is pretend we don't feel, dishonor our emotional attachment and swim upstream to our mental stability. I think its time we arrived at something less carnal and more aligned to the purpose of intimacy. We need to ONLY involve ourselves intimately with those we truly love and care for, which means we need to love and care for ourselves first.
This is just my charge to society. And please don't think for one second that I'm not starting with me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Pulled in every direction at the same time
I'm 26. I'm attractive. I'm fun-loving. Got good credit. Hold wavering but strong beliefs. Amicable. I recently fell in love with onions and other pungent foods. I work out. Drink a frappucino every now and then. And I have my MBA.
See, I purposefully left my degree or any mention of school til last because I have, so often, defined myself through what academic success I have rather than what qualities make up the totality that is me. Yet my educational goals have pretty much dictated my life. I've never openly admitted this but I am deathly afraid of being average. I've always been above average in the areas of my life. And now, I feel as though I would be leading a mundane existence if I stopped here. And education can get me out of the mundane and into the surreal. Ugh - but at a high cost.
I've given up a lot for my education - because I know what doors education can open up. The wise tales of old have come into fruition. "Go to school to make a better life for yourself." Well that's exactly what I want to do! I want to go to school and become a pharmacist - not for the money (though a comfortable salary is possible) but for the saturation of my interest. I need to be around folk like myself who are interested in medicines' effects on the human system.
But this seems to leave me in the gutters of love. I don't know how to manage a relationship and follow my passion. But I want a relationship horribly. I want to hold that special girl at night and kiss her on the back of her neck, whispering the quietest, sweetest nothings in her ears. I want to have someone there to share my money with, take lavish vacations with, spoil kids with... But being raised primarily by my mother didn't set a good precedent for me at all. I only know how to manage one-sided relationships. I'm weary of women because my mother was the best example of a great woman, and even still, she used her womanly tactics to make life what it needed to be. So where do I begin? Is it that I need to take a class or something? Brothers teaching brothers? Man, I just don't know where to start. And I refuse to get into something unprepared or underprepared, though I am sure there are ladies out there who will work with me. But is that fair to them?
There are no answers right now. But I just needed to vent.
That is all.
See, I purposefully left my degree or any mention of school til last because I have, so often, defined myself through what academic success I have rather than what qualities make up the totality that is me. Yet my educational goals have pretty much dictated my life. I've never openly admitted this but I am deathly afraid of being average. I've always been above average in the areas of my life. And now, I feel as though I would be leading a mundane existence if I stopped here. And education can get me out of the mundane and into the surreal. Ugh - but at a high cost.
I've given up a lot for my education - because I know what doors education can open up. The wise tales of old have come into fruition. "Go to school to make a better life for yourself." Well that's exactly what I want to do! I want to go to school and become a pharmacist - not for the money (though a comfortable salary is possible) but for the saturation of my interest. I need to be around folk like myself who are interested in medicines' effects on the human system.
But this seems to leave me in the gutters of love. I don't know how to manage a relationship and follow my passion. But I want a relationship horribly. I want to hold that special girl at night and kiss her on the back of her neck, whispering the quietest, sweetest nothings in her ears. I want to have someone there to share my money with, take lavish vacations with, spoil kids with... But being raised primarily by my mother didn't set a good precedent for me at all. I only know how to manage one-sided relationships. I'm weary of women because my mother was the best example of a great woman, and even still, she used her womanly tactics to make life what it needed to be. So where do I begin? Is it that I need to take a class or something? Brothers teaching brothers? Man, I just don't know where to start. And I refuse to get into something unprepared or underprepared, though I am sure there are ladies out there who will work with me. But is that fair to them?
There are no answers right now. But I just needed to vent.
That is all.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I'm not giving up ANYTHING for Lent
But I don't mean that disrespectfully. For years, I've felt obliged to start again, right around midnight as I left the cruddy streets of the French Quarter. For every fattening slice of king cake I ingested, every cocktail I guzzled, and for every derogatory term that glided off my tongue, I felt the need for a Lenten promise that would give my life the stability that it needed.
Until a few years ago, that is. I heard a priest confess in a homily his indignation with the idea of temporary sacrifice - though it was an honorable pact made with God. He said however, that instead of making God all these temporary promises, we could actually NOT give up anything! You can imagine the congregation's response. But, in my mind I found this intriguing. Fr. Jacques said we should try to weave in activity that makes God smile - the results would be longer lasting and the joy you get from doing these things would persist longer than 40 days.
I tried it back then and I've decided to be rejuvenated by it again. So, here's a list of things I had stopped doing that I am going to weave into my life FAR PAST the 40 day mark....
1. Pray for the people I had given up on - INTENSE
2. Recommit to my grueling work out, not just one that pacifies my health-conscious psyche.
3. Spend more time with my Godson!
4. RELAX - at least one day of the week.
5. READ
6. Give more hugs and kisses
7. Reconnect to a community service outlet
That about sums it up. And 7 is a great number of new activities to have.
Happy Lenten Season to all.
Until a few years ago, that is. I heard a priest confess in a homily his indignation with the idea of temporary sacrifice - though it was an honorable pact made with God. He said however, that instead of making God all these temporary promises, we could actually NOT give up anything! You can imagine the congregation's response. But, in my mind I found this intriguing. Fr. Jacques said we should try to weave in activity that makes God smile - the results would be longer lasting and the joy you get from doing these things would persist longer than 40 days.
I tried it back then and I've decided to be rejuvenated by it again. So, here's a list of things I had stopped doing that I am going to weave into my life FAR PAST the 40 day mark....
1. Pray for the people I had given up on - INTENSE
2. Recommit to my grueling work out, not just one that pacifies my health-conscious psyche.
3. Spend more time with my Godson!
4. RELAX - at least one day of the week.
5. READ
6. Give more hugs and kisses
7. Reconnect to a community service outlet
That about sums it up. And 7 is a great number of new activities to have.
Happy Lenten Season to all.
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