Our parents meant well. They didn't want us to struggle like they did. Their parents rose out of Jim Crow-isms, bigotry and hatred that most of us have heard about but would find ourselves the black pinata for any side-eyed discriminatory comment of a white man or woman. I don't have to give the history lesson, but its important for me to put this blog into context. Our parents got it hard, because their parents lived hard. We got it easy because our parents got it hard. Generationally, we've seen lighter times. But at what cost?
I remember how my great Uncle got up every Saturday morning, cut his grass, fixed something on his truck, brought my Great Aunt to buy groceries and still found time to enjoy a nice power walk around the block. He did this all while raising 4 kids, holding 2 jobs, and serving as Deacon at the church. He is still alive. His rituals haven't changed. And yet, the thought of this kind of life perplexes me. I am completely disconnected from him and his interpretation of "living life" but at the same time I feel as though I am losing out on some important ideologies. My context of history is found within the confines of books I read on black empowerment and historical surveillance. However, even still I feel disconnected and removed from the experience.
The cold, Post-Katrina night that I was stopped by the cops and harassed SHOULD NOT have been the defining experience that annotated the blackness of my existence in this novel of my life. But it was. I was no better than any other black man, upstanding or criminal. I was black. A black man. And unfortunately, as far as I know it, that's all I can grasp of my blackness. But recently I've been challenged to define my black "male-ness" in the context of a relationship. Going into the challenge, I knew I was at a disadvantage because at any given time in my youth I was only raised by one parent, be it my father or my mother - but not both. And not at the same time. Two doctrines that for the most part meshed well but the places they differed were drastic. So, how do I operate in today's society as a young black man looking to be in a relationship but not truly understanding the black experience? I know other black men struggle with this too. Especially when I think about my students whose frame of reference for black interaction rises out of rap songs and sports superstars. Tragic. But let's bring it back to me. I'm educated, self-aware and looking to grow, and yet, I am still searching for my "green card" of validation in the black world. My uncle gains his validation everyday that he exists and works and fathers and loves. But I don't know where to start. How do I support a family with no frame of reference for the 2 parent household? How do I lead a household like the black man is to do but show the love of my life the humanism and vulnerability that has been engrained in me from my mother? Where is the line of definition between the provider and the comforter? My uncle never has these questions - to my knowledge. He simply glides through his daily rituals unabashed by these concerns. But as I get to the age where I want to settle down, potentially start a family and/or commit myself to THE ONE, I find that I want to be on the starting line trying to weave in all these characteristics.
Mentorship is fine. I definitely have those. But usually they advise me on making academic and financial moves in my life. I am at a loss for guidance in the areas of Black Male-ness, as I have so affectionately and unfortunately come to call it. I see young black men go into relationships unprepared or underprepared and it sends a chill down my spine. I DO NOT WANT THAT. I have been in a situation where I've lost the love of my life. Now, I need to find that love again in someone new and go thru the motions of a relationship not having to feel insecure or inadequate in the tools of intimacy I bring to the table.
I actually feel better verbalizing this because I feel that other young black men are experiencing this. So maybe a reader can direct me in the right direction. Who knows, I may actually come out on top on this issue. Until then, I remain,
Confused and Single.
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