The Challenge of Faith

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for. the evidence of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

I pray for so much. CORRECTION. I pray a lot. And yet, it seems like I have received no answer. Maybe my prayers are too big. Maybe I am not putting forth the works to bring my faith to life. I'm not exactly sure.

Don't get me wrong. I've been blessed with so much. God has literally given me a new life, a glorious existence that I can thrive in, dwell in confidence - and start over. What has come with this new life is the urge to be a strong man, a provider, a husband, a father (to-be), and a lover. But my reality (right now) is that I can't really do much of that.

Years ago I made the crucial decision to leave my job as a teacher and become a pharmacist. What came with that dream was the reality that I would lose my income, my health insurance, my financial solvency.  It wasn't a decision made lightly and I have had an amazing experience - stress not considered - thus far.

But, here I am.

I have an amazing new family, people who have talents that are true blessings from God. Their talents are so great that it has given them fame and fortune and has built them strong positive reputations. And while I stand in God's glory for my my ability to be just as great as them, I must admit, sometimes I get overwhelmed and feel subpar. I know it's my mind playing tricks on me. I know that God has a lesson for me in all this.

This is my truest test of faith.

I used to be mean. Verbally demeaning. Arrogant. Ungrateful. All tools I used to assert my talents, to force others to acknowledge that something was special about me. However, being in this family is humbling. Because everyone is truly great. Great in a way that empowers others, that helps those who help themselves, who love in a way that teaches the downtrodden to become strong, generationally free from curses, and elevated to a new level.

But where does that leave me? I have a lot to give but I really don't think I've worked hard enough. So, I've decided to throw myself in the flame, faith in tow - hoping that God will refashion me to do his work but also cover me, especially when the heat is too intense.

This is the vow I make to myself. God wouldn't have called me out of darkness only to sit in the shadows. For now, I'll continue to pray and praise God in the meantime. I'll continue to work as hard as I can to be the man I'd like to be.

I'm trusting you Father. I'm officially offering myself to be used by you. It's hard. I can't lie. But I'd rather take the leap of faith than steps in fear.

adieu.

The Reflection of my Tears

Have you ever tried to bottle up your tears? It's an almost impossible feat. Yet, with the many facets of life, the fact that tears fall from your eyes is no coincidence at all. 

Joy and sadness reside there. So too, do anguish, fatigue, surprise, and happiness. But with eyes, so fragile, having witnessed all that God has blessed us with, they eventually need a release. WE need a release. 

Recently, I denied my eyes their freedom, enslaved them selfishly to hold on to the memory of one who I had so affectionately called "Pops." He was my spiritual father, my mentor, an older version of my younger self. We had similar struggles, battles that only God-provided mentorship and guidance would alleviate. It was in him that I was able to take the longest looks in the mirror and find joy, hope, and glory amidst all my lies, self-hate, doubt, and pretense. Pops helped me to become a man - of God. And my watery eyes told the story. 

It was a story I was not at all willing to share with this world, escapism at its best. I wouldn't release him until I had to, until I had the closure I needed, yet, dreaded. See, I had grown somewhat accustomed to Pops' presence. I depended on him for so much. But in the end, God reminded me why I am strong - why Pops was placed in my life in the first place. It was to his Glory, to his end. Pops was simply a vessel. And while I believe God's gift was fatherly love through the man that Pops was to me, he reminded me through our last correspondence that our relationship was only (physically) temporary. I could keep the love, but I had to let go of the man. 

And so tears came. They flowed. In a harsh outburst. Runaway slaves from an emotional captivity. Initially, I felt like I was abandoning him. But the relief I felt reassured me that I was indeed holding onto the memories but letting go of the physical. 

In those tears was freedom. Freedom to grow, to thrive, to be the legacy of greatness that God ordained and that Pops left behind. They cleansed my eyes, figuratively and literally, so that I could see clearly God's purpose in all of this. 

I released him in those tears so that I could honor him with a clear vision. 

So, I've decided never again to hold onto tears - even inasmuch as it helps temporarily. I can see now. A new day of clarity excites me. I look forward to all that God is preparing me for. 

fin.

From Me to We: A Lesson In Selflessness

The true meaning of psychosis for me has been wanting to be united to the woman of my dreams but never truly considering her feelings, desires, needs, wants, insecurities - nothing! And it fucking sucks. Padded white walls and a straightjacket to keep me confined to a world that only I live in. Something's very wrong with this picture.

For so long, I've battled stage 4 selfishness, a disease that has been deeply inbedded in me for years by way of my environment and my response to (mis)understanding how the world works around me. It started in my mind, spread to my pockets - so that I only give if I get in return. Crept to my heart - so that I only love when there's an emotional gain. moved to my eyes and blinded me to any and everybody that was not me. Paralyzed my legs - so that I'd only move if I 'felt' like it. Even in matters of sex, the disease is so real that my nut alone was the priority - she was just the vessel through which it happens.

If I could describe how I feel, I would say this: imagine yourself in a dark, dank cave - one where only the echoes of your own thoughts and feelings resound aloud. There's no one there to truly comfort you, the emotional moments belong to you and you, alone, and though escape is but a step into the sunlight, you've tricked yourself into thinking that there's some comfort in the solitude of isolation. You're secure because you answer to no one. And in the same breath, you're a walking time bomb, waiting to ruin the lives of those around you.

It's all a lie.

I've made my bed in this tunnel in the safety of never having to be accountable to anyone else for my actions, words, feelings or thoughts. Everyday, I eat the sustinance of egoism, where my motives are self-driven and they only promote what I can get out of a situation - not exactly how I can truly give to others.

Man, that hurts.

It feels like I've been living in a fantasy world, one that I have created and sustained. One that cracks every time I look into the face of the one I love, to see that yet again, when it matters most, I retreated like a coward into that horrible cave.

So, I gave myself an ultimatum recently. It has been to actively work on identifying how I can move from selfish to selfless, or risk losing everything that God has promised me. The saddest part in all this shit is that what I thought was the hardest task ever, is actually not that hard at all.

The reality of selflessness doesn't mean I give up Johmyrin's wants, needs, or reality. It means that you work (hard) to make sure the one you love is placed first in the various aspects of your life. Counter-intuitive, I know. But not actually. She has my back - 100%. She always does what she thinks will make me happy. And in a world where she has me and I have me, NO ONE has her. No one.

I've been given a rare gift in my wife-to-be. She's a bestfriend, a confidant, a supporter, and the future mother of my children. And yet, I have kicked God's gift aside over and over and over again. Because I couldn't see past myself far enough to know what true selfISHness looked like.

My hands are numb just typing this, because the revelation is so clear now. I have true release because I can see clearly that God has given me someone who puts me first - while I never considered her at all.

No longer. I'm going to beat this psychosis afterall. I've decided that I'm putting her first. That way, we'll have each other. WE. WILL. HAVE. EACH. OTHER. It wasn't as clear to me but now I see. The "we" is real. There's no searching outside of one another for comfort, there's no possibility of cheating or abuse. We actually have one another and in that, I am making the move to selfless.

I'm thankful to God above for the transition! And I need to call my wife and let her know. I love her heart - its intertwined with a love that allows us both to be one. I'm taking her lead on this one and fashioning my heart after hers. Essentially, leaving the cave, closing it up and never returning. Let the single people of the world enjoy that lonely space. I was promised more, better, greater! And I plan to inherit these promises.

We.

To the one who knows me best

I'm not exactly sure where to start with this but it's an assignment and I've committed to it. In addressing my 35 year old self, there's so much I want to say but no words in this language to actually accomplish the task. Nevertheless, I will write. Organize my thoughts and write about my life at 35. So, here it goes:

I'm not that much older than when I first received this assignment. I look around with a smile on my face, never truly having imagined that life would be what it is today or what it will be in the future. I've finished my pharmacy degree. Though I am not actually practicing it as my primary job. I own many businesses with my wife - she's so dynamic and supportive. She has funded many efforts of mine. Most of them truly successful. Few others, life lessons. Our financial stability is something that I've always prayed for. We can spend leisurely, donate to charities, bless our neighbors, and go beyond the call of duty and make others' lives easier. People everywhere know who we are. I'm not particularly excited about that, but it seems to be the divine order of things.

We have love. We create love. We go on date nights - even when I travel. We surprise each other over and over again. It never gets old. I'm glad we started that trend as young adults. My wife is active in the church and community. She has such amazing international and national ties. Its a favor I would have never imagined. I've shared in that favor by being able to spoil my wife and children in ways they (nor I) could have ever imagined. She gives me that look on occasion... lol. No more baby making though. We have enough rug rats running around. Our love is sensual though. Intense, sexy and sensual. I can't get enough of it.

Our kids are growing. The boys are five years old and Maddie is two. They're a hand full. So competitive and playful - just fun to have around and open to learning all there is to learn. Madison has so much attitude, like her mother. She's strong willed and independent. I can already tell she'll be a lot to handle as she grows older. They eat healthy foods and love to go on family outings together. Caleb and Aiden are about to start kindergarten and it makes me so nervous not having them in the house as much. Guess I still have my Madison for a few more years.

I'm finding my place in the ministry. My wife has received the call and it's compelled me to do more, a greater work within the church and greater community and world, for that matter. I'm not sure what it is but I hope our television platform can create the resources I need to do those things that make me happy.

My wife and I are physically fit. Losing loved ones has shown us how to better take care of our health, both physically and mentally. We have somewhat successfully transferred this to the children.

We're not living in our ideal home, that's a few years away but we are very comfortable here. Two dogs and space enough for us not to go stir crazy. And yet not too far that we would miss each other or grow estranged.

We have the materials wants of our dreams and our needs are taken care of. We are beginning to do more, be more for more people. It is our calling. It's interesting because those early dreams and wishes have all been answered, blessings have been bestowed upon me beyond my wildest dreams. Everyday hasn't been easy but life is so good - I know only God could have ordained it this way.

I've seen loss. I've experienced hurt over these years but my wife and children are what keep me everyday. They are the reason I smile a genuine smile each and every morning.

This is what young blessed life feels like. Welcome to 35.

Love and Loss

Often we talk about loss in love. May have seen some poor rendition of it on the television. Or possibly, read about it in a crafty self-help book. But even through those elements, nothing teaches one about loss in love until he/she has endured the trauma of such an event or has been blessed enough to only have encountered the "near-loss" experience. Either way, the best teacher, in any case, is loss itself.

I've never loved. Until now. I've never claimed any woman as my own because I never considered them my equal. With the exception of my mother (and I discounted her many times), I've never truly looked into the eyes of a woman and had the security in knowing that she held my heart in the most inner recesses of her soul, protected from all outsiders. My "never" became the biggest lie of my life.

See, I bought the into the hype with a fresh twenty dollar bill. In a world so cold, unforgiving and fake, I told myself that everyone (myself included) were simple cogs in a never ending wheel - puppets with little or no control over our actions and activity. I lied to myself and others in order to keep the IMAGE of my life stable - or so I thought. Underneath it all, I had convinced myself that no one on this planet would accept the real me, human in every way, non-confident at times, stained by occasional bad decision-making. No one was capable to see past all of that. Only God could be that for me, right?

WRONG. sort of.

I've always been a very logical thinker and yet my logic failed me in this particular situation due to my near-sightedness. I believe in God. For the longest time, he's been the only representation of a real father in my life. But I failed to see that the obvious truth in it all: A God so powerful to love me unconditionally could assuredly create a person who would do the same. And to take it a step further, that same God could place in me a spirit of forgiveness that would allow me a renewed love of self, time and time again.

So I was left in a place where what I thought did not add up to my logic. This was my first encounter with accepting the idea of love.

It did not end here. I reveled in the unfamiliar territories of love. True love. Love so good, it could have only come from a loving and forgiving God. Love so genuine, the simple thought brings a smile to my face - it would seem insane to the passer-by. But, on this journey, I carried old baggage, the old way of thinking that I had become so accustomed to. And therein lay my struggle and my introduction to having ALMOST lost the treasure of love.

See, I was selfish. I took from love, drained it. And gave a minimal effort back in return. I hid things from love. And to make matters worse, I lied in order to protect myself from having to give my full 100%. Those same lies of my past crept up and poisoned my mind again, but this time, it threatened everything. In my estimation, love had had enough. It had given me everything and I stabbed it in its face.

It was here, at this crossroads, that I had to make a decision: choose love in its entirety and pray that it would take me back or continue to hide from love and run it away for an eternity.

See, the beauty of love is that even in my fear of choosing it, I never doubted its ability to love me - even through my mistreatment and mismanagement of it. In this I found comfort. More importantly, in this, I found strength to stand up and fight for a love that was mine and mine alone. I can't lie again. So, I won't. I know that this journey in love won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But what I know for a fact is that I am naked, vulnerable and open. It's frightening. But love continues to bathe me in its protection, guard me with its never ending trust, and entice me with its sultry, sexy compassion.

I'm overwhelmed with my decision to choose love. I'd hope that it wouldn't take the reality of loss or near-loss to make me appreciate it.

I can guarantee this, I will continue to fight - until my dying day. Love deserves it. And I owe it to love to make this happen.

I'm reminded of the old saying "You don't know what you got, til it's gone." Learn from me. Know love through my story - through my eyes. Reclaim it, if you've let it go. Accept it, if it is at your door step. Forgive yourself, ask God, our source of love, for forgiveness, and he will assuredly guide you on this journey. Love is there. It's real and present.

Fall in love.

A Letter to the 16 year old me

I've wondered, time and time again, what I would say to you. What words could I use that you wouldn't completely block out. You're stubborn. And though you're bright, conscientious and reflective, what could I say that won't sound preachy. You hate preachy. But I would be remiss if I neglected to let you know the basics - at least the basics.

That is, I love you. No really, listen to me - I absolutely love you. The people who tell you this really mean it. They love you. Not because you're a good student who doesn't get into much trouble. Not because you're on the football team. Not because you're any more special than anyone else. They love you just because. You'll come to cherish this later. It's a love you'll learn to give to others. It'll make you different from your peers.

At this point, you haven't really made a mistake. You define the world through rose colored glasses, a perfect lens that only shows the good. But your world will come crashing down soon, and you'll need to let go in order to make it through. The good news - you're victorious. You win. You survive. The bad news - there is scar tissue that you'll carry from this into adulthood. But there are some things I want you to remember that will help you - us - to take those first steps to grow.

We lose "mama" this year. Our grandmother, our rock. The person who had you recite "Hey, black child" more times than you can recall. The woman who told white lies to protect you, who spoiled you against your parents' wishes. Yes, her. She leaves you - us. I want you to cry. I want you to actively miss her so that the dreams I experience now are not so riddled by her presence. Let her go. Get angry - for once. Be envious of those who have grandmothers. I don't care what it is. Just feel. I give you - us - permission to feel. And when she's on her deathbed and you're asked to tell her your final words, speak confidently and let her know that you love her.  Let her know how much you mean to you. What she has given you these past 16 years is a confidence only a freed slave can appreciate. Let her know this!

You're going to start dating this year. You'll be asked to many proms and winter formals. You'll find yourself a magnet for the young ladies. You'll think about and want intimacy with a woman more than ever before. Don't fret. In due time, all of this will happen. The acne will go away. Your second growth spurt is just around the corner. You'll appreciate it later - but for now, just prepare to buy bigger shoes. And you'll become a fairly good driver - with the exception of that speeding ticket. Shhh. it gets pulled later. :-)

You'll lose some friends as you transition from High School to college. But, I want you to enjoy this time as if these were your last days. You'll look back one day and smile, a very pleased expression confirming you exhausted all outlets for fun and excitement. You need that. Don't worry. You'll make new friends and lose some of them too.

Don't put as much confidence in your physical appearance as you do in your faith and intellect. You develop a keen logic during this time but you won't fuse that with emotion until many years later. It's okay. What you bottle up now will make its way out of you, through the tear ducts of your eyes and the vibrations off your vocal cords. You'll be whole one day. Just give it time.

Don't be afraid to love God. I know you don't understand life. And the sheltered parts of you can't conceptualize struggle. But, you'll lose. You're a chemist, my friend. A brilliant chemist who will one day change the world. And the house you are moving into is about to be the brithplace of your love affair with chemistry. This won't be your home for long. Actually, after these years, you never look back.

A young lady will come into your life - Antoinette is her name. Treat her well. If you can avoid being a selfish brat with her, do so, though something tells me you'll fail at this one. But beleive me, things come full circle. You will love her. She'll lay the foundation for you to become a true romantic. Let her challenge you, change you for the better. Those late night conversations will be but a forecast of what is to come. Love and enjoy this time. It's going to teach you a lot.

Lastly, I want to address your (our) fears. People will die - but they won't do it to spite or abandon you. They do it simply because God has a greater plan for them - and you. You'll witness young and old pass away. Michael Jackson won't live to see 100 like you think. Real R&B will fade away and these years will become a memory. But approach it all head on! Be bold. Be free! When you're heart flutters due to apprehension, use that fear to catapult you to become greater, better.

We are victorious in the end. Remember that. We are successful in the end. It's our destiny. We are open to love in the end. Imagine that!

I love you my friend. God loves you.

You'll be just fine.

We'll be just fine.

Thankfulness

I'd stare at them, face askew and tilted, while they jumped up and down, eyes swelling and hands stretched, as to reach the ceiling or some invisible apparition to which I was not privy. It was comical, and sometimes frightening to see bodies, once under human control, now limber, serene, connected to the unknown. They'd cry. More than cry. They'd weep - a stream of tears so genuine that it felt foreign to me. I was not a part of this community though I sat rows away from these sights and sounds. But how could I understand? I was someone who had sworn off emotion as a coping mechanism to maintain some socially constructed idea of masculinity. How foolish was I.

Some of them would run, a fire lit ever so strategically in their shirts near the position where the heart lay behind the rib cage. They would pant. Others ran to extinguish some burning that had taken hold of their feet. I had never felt it, so why did they. This too was funny - and yet frightening.

I'd turn to my grandmother on these Sundays, face shown with half amusement/half curiosity and I would ask "Why do people do that? Why do they act like THAT?" She'd calmly turn to me, bright chocolate face with the whitest pearls of teeth, and she'd whisper, "Baby, you gotta go through somethin' to understand why people act like THAT."

That message, though simple, never left me. But it also didn't make sense. Go through something? How unfair -  that my belonging to a group was dependent solely on an experience I had yet to have. I wasn't sure that in my lifetime I would ever go through something. I'd never be a part of THAT community.

I was wrong.

In reflection, now, I can see that my grandmother never put a stipulation on the act of praise, the outcry of pure thankfulness to the creator. I made that part up. She was simply putting life into a perspective that I, as her sheltered grandson, could understand.

Now after all these years I get it. I get the reason why, when a certain song is sung by a choir or soloist, one can't keep still. Why sitting and thinking about the possibilities of life and how the negative ones have been miraculously avoided can cause someone's eyes to swell with tears. I now know what those people were reaching for. There's never been an invisible force or apparition. They were simply doing what they humanly could to be fully immersed in praise - to show the creator that they, indeed, were

THANKFUL.

And grandma was right (Ms. Agnes Brimmer always was).. I had to go through something to truly understand. To be catalyzed into a community that knows that nothing that occurs in this life is a random, chance happening.

I sit sometimes and experience those tears of thankfulness. I imagine the many times God has pulled me out of the worst situations and placed me back on my path. How despite my shortcomings and those of my family, community, and city, I am still able to receive new grace and mercy everyday.

To feel like I can't fail because I'm covered, protected, shielded from harm - for this I'm thankful. For a loving family who supports me in my endeavors and when I fail - for this I'm thankful. For a breath of fresh air, a body free of disease and ailment, a working mind, countless second chances - I AM THANKFUL.

I could go on and on. But just know that I am and have always been a part of that community of thankfulness. It just took going through something to reveal that to me.

fin.