Love and Loss

Often we talk about loss in love. May have seen some poor rendition of it on the television. Or possibly, read about it in a crafty self-help book. But even through those elements, nothing teaches one about loss in love until he/she has endured the trauma of such an event or has been blessed enough to only have encountered the "near-loss" experience. Either way, the best teacher, in any case, is loss itself.

I've never loved. Until now. I've never claimed any woman as my own because I never considered them my equal. With the exception of my mother (and I discounted her many times), I've never truly looked into the eyes of a woman and had the security in knowing that she held my heart in the most inner recesses of her soul, protected from all outsiders. My "never" became the biggest lie of my life.

See, I bought the into the hype with a fresh twenty dollar bill. In a world so cold, unforgiving and fake, I told myself that everyone (myself included) were simple cogs in a never ending wheel - puppets with little or no control over our actions and activity. I lied to myself and others in order to keep the IMAGE of my life stable - or so I thought. Underneath it all, I had convinced myself that no one on this planet would accept the real me, human in every way, non-confident at times, stained by occasional bad decision-making. No one was capable to see past all of that. Only God could be that for me, right?

WRONG. sort of.

I've always been a very logical thinker and yet my logic failed me in this particular situation due to my near-sightedness. I believe in God. For the longest time, he's been the only representation of a real father in my life. But I failed to see that the obvious truth in it all: A God so powerful to love me unconditionally could assuredly create a person who would do the same. And to take it a step further, that same God could place in me a spirit of forgiveness that would allow me a renewed love of self, time and time again.

So I was left in a place where what I thought did not add up to my logic. This was my first encounter with accepting the idea of love.

It did not end here. I reveled in the unfamiliar territories of love. True love. Love so good, it could have only come from a loving and forgiving God. Love so genuine, the simple thought brings a smile to my face - it would seem insane to the passer-by. But, on this journey, I carried old baggage, the old way of thinking that I had become so accustomed to. And therein lay my struggle and my introduction to having ALMOST lost the treasure of love.

See, I was selfish. I took from love, drained it. And gave a minimal effort back in return. I hid things from love. And to make matters worse, I lied in order to protect myself from having to give my full 100%. Those same lies of my past crept up and poisoned my mind again, but this time, it threatened everything. In my estimation, love had had enough. It had given me everything and I stabbed it in its face.

It was here, at this crossroads, that I had to make a decision: choose love in its entirety and pray that it would take me back or continue to hide from love and run it away for an eternity.

See, the beauty of love is that even in my fear of choosing it, I never doubted its ability to love me - even through my mistreatment and mismanagement of it. In this I found comfort. More importantly, in this, I found strength to stand up and fight for a love that was mine and mine alone. I can't lie again. So, I won't. I know that this journey in love won't be easy. Nothing worth having ever is. But what I know for a fact is that I am naked, vulnerable and open. It's frightening. But love continues to bathe me in its protection, guard me with its never ending trust, and entice me with its sultry, sexy compassion.

I'm overwhelmed with my decision to choose love. I'd hope that it wouldn't take the reality of loss or near-loss to make me appreciate it.

I can guarantee this, I will continue to fight - until my dying day. Love deserves it. And I owe it to love to make this happen.

I'm reminded of the old saying "You don't know what you got, til it's gone." Learn from me. Know love through my story - through my eyes. Reclaim it, if you've let it go. Accept it, if it is at your door step. Forgive yourself, ask God, our source of love, for forgiveness, and he will assuredly guide you on this journey. Love is there. It's real and present.

Fall in love.