I grew up saying this prayer. And yet, before this year happened, I never grew to make this prayer a true prayer, a personal experience - a conversation between me and God. My praise, as well, was restricted to me saying 'thanks' to God for answering my prayers in a fashion I deemed appropriate. Immature at best.
But, what happens when I make the hugest decision in my life up to this point, leaving a life, career, comfort, and existence behind to follow God's voice? To put pure faith to the test in light of EVERYTHING telling me I should run in the exact opposite direction?
In this context, prayer and praise HAD TO CHANGE. They had to grow. They had to become owned experiences, personal occurrences that were birthed from the most vulnerable, sincerest parts of my soul.
I stand today triumphant, and honestly it is a triumph that I know could only come from a God of infinite power and unconditional love.
People see my smile - I wear it purposefully. But what they wouldn't be able to comprehend is what the smile masks. See, prior to going to pharmacy school, I was fired from a job for making a horrible judgement call. And while my heart and intentions were honorable, my methodology was irresponsible, callous and foolish at best. Along with this, I lost my condo. Bills and payments were piling up on me and I simply couldn't afford the expenses of life. I hid my depression from everyone, embarrassed by the reality of my humanity. For someone who had been so successful before in life, the brick wall of failure that I ran into at 100 miles per hour was a wake up call that affected every atom of my being. The RULE: tell no one but my mother. But I learned quickly, that the truth will shine bright, even if locked away in a dark closet.
I was not in control - like I thought before. I was not above failure - like I believed. I was not incapable of lying and bringing grief to those who trusted me - like I claimed. I had been and done the exact opposite.
And yet, God still loved me.
My prayers had no choice but to become an outcry, a reality session with my humanity, my imperfections. And slowly to my amazement, I started noticing God's unconditional love materialize in ways that I couldn't and wouldn't have ever been able to predict.
Slowly, I started losing 'friends,' people who I thought would stand by my side as I had done theirs so many times before in their moments of failure. This wasn't the case. He allowed me to see that these people were friends with an image, a facade - not the real Johmyrin. I shouldn't have expected much more from them than a 'good time only friendship.' And therefore, I needed to be rid of those connections. But, my healing from this didn't stop there. God allowed me to love them in spite of their criticism, their backbiting, their treachery of my loyalty. He allowed me to forgive, genuinely - lovingly. To let go the hurt I felt so that I could make space for real, long lasting friendships.
Next, God gave me a home to replace my house. He put me in a situation where he could answer the prayers of a 14 year old version of myself, a child whose main prayer was to live with his father, to grow to understand why I did certain things like sniff uncontrollably or laugh contagiously at the smallest things. Now I know. I see my reflection in my father every day I wake up. Only a loving God who listens could do something like this for imperfect me. Words will never be able to express my appreciation for God being just who God is.
Lastly, in my search for forgiveness and true repentance, God gave me a job opportunity that wasn't just immediately valuable but that will impact my profession in ways I don't think I have even imagined. Only God.
So, my PRAISE had to change.
I reflect now and tears start to flow - genuine tears of thanksgiving. Tears of Praise. I'm doing okay. Actually, I'm doing extremely well. In all that I have lost, what I have gained is so much more valuable. My discernment is clear. My connectedness to what is good in this world is strong. I am empowered by my own ability to understand that no one in this world is perfect. That we all fall short. But that God's love is real and active - everyday in our lives.
I know I've just begun this journey. There's much more to endure. But I see victory. I feel triumph. And at the end of the day, I know that this year has been about God making me into the man I need to be to do his work. I don't know why I've been hand-picked, but God's been too good to me for me to dessert his promise now.
My prayer and praise is real.
fin.
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