For instance, humility has meant, not talking about my GPA when others around me struggle in certain classes. Or, not boasting about opportunities I've been granted in light of so many who needed those same ones. Not talking about my salary in a public arena. Etc.
What.The.F*ck.Ever.
And then, like most of my 'coming of age' experiences, I woke up with the sour, lasting realization that I needed to make a major paradigm shift in order for me to adequately survive AND live in this world, as it unfolds in front of me.
I've been doing this thing called humility all wrong - as if it was something to do and NOT a mindset I should freely accept. This whole time, I've treated courtesy as humility. And now. I can see they are totally different.
Let me give you some background on this: See I was raised with everything I needed and wanted - much of which I was not required to work to get. I asked for things, and, most times, they were given to me. I was a 'good person' and I treated others with respect and dignity. Therefore, in my mind, I deserved all the good the world had to give. People should want to be nice to me, should go out of their way to treat me fairly, should act in my best interest, and should feel obliged to choose me over others because I 'worked hard.'
Ha.
No one ever took the time to tell me that the world doesn't quite operate like that.
Who cares if I'm a good person or that I work hard. I'd like to believe that the vast majority of the people on this planet subscribe to those same two descriptors. There were plenty of good, hardworking people in the Twin Towers on September 11, 2001. Some excellent, creative, beautiful spirits that rested on the coasts of Japan when the Tsunamis hit in 2011. Vibrant, good-spirited individuals who camped in the Waco, Texas compound run by David Koresh in the early 90's. And yet, all these people - each and every one of them, were the inheritors of ill-fated tragedy.
Now I can honestly say that "I aint special" and smile courageously. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And I may inherit the mistakes of others at some point.
See, I've asked "why me" for far too long. "Why, Lord, am I going through this?" "Why me, out of all the people on the planet?"
Foolish, man. Simply foolish. Because at the heart of my complaint rested something that was the antithesis of humility. Some subtle spirit of selfishness. The true question I had been asking all along was "Why not someone else?"
I've felt this sentiment way too often in myself and people I've met throughout my life. And while I can only pray for their "Come to Jesus" moment of awakening, I have full power over making positive change in my own life.
"I aint special" and it feels great to say that. I realize now more than ever, that I live my life on borrowed grace and mercy from God above. By being granted a measure of favor that should be acknowledged and appreciated. By pains and inconveniences that are sharpening me to be the sharpest knife in the drawer.
I've learned that, ultimately, humility is about being genuinely thankful in knowing that though you are not special inherently, God specializes in using the imperfect, downtrodden and underprivileged to be vicars of his infinite love.
No. I aint special. But I've been called to do special work.
And I'm okay with that.
fin.
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