It's always been an obstacle for me to say, "I miss you" - until now.
I've poured myself into so much, seeking gratification from guilt and hiding in the fears of my own talent. Had I just taken a minute to think, reflect. I only needed one minute to become that child again, unexposed to men and women who make themselves kin to the brutal realities of life's bad side. Somewhere, in the crevices of my mind - those spaces between thought and action, one might call stillness - I've searched all over for you with no compass to guide me.
I've been using a map all this time. With its landscape of possibilities, I've been walking in that desert for 25 years, with the smallest amount of mana to sustain me. Body beaten, mind run down, and soul searching, I saw a star shoot across the skyline of my soul - leaving behind a trail of brazen gold that laid a path that inspired my journey. The more gold I picked up, the tiniest flashbacks started to return. My eyes opened a little wider, my nose accepted the smells of intrigue. I was in a familiar place with only a few steps taken.
In front of me is this child, a reddish-golden haired lightly sanded skin-toned 7 year old whose appearance caused me the greatest tears. He smelled of my grandmother's downy drowned sheets and the slightest hint of baby powder. His head had not quite caught up to his ears in growth though it was variably bigger than the rest of his body - MY body. I looked into his greyish-brown eyes and saw myself. I had neglected me - forgot what makes me happy, what was true to me. But that little boy knew. So we sat, had a conversation, where he walked over, picked up things and started using them, mixing them, breaking them. He showed little concern for getting dirty or taking a chance that might end in nothingness. It was the exploration that meant the most to him.
Somewhere, somehow, I lost that fearlessness. So wrapped up in my next degree, accomplishment, and success that I had forgotten what God had infused within me at birth - a love for change.
I carry this kid on my journey now. He whispers in my ear every now and then to tell me when he feels like he is fading away. When he does, I know that my truest self is dying by a decision I have made. I'm thankful for my reconnection. I have missed him. I have MISSED me. I have MISSED my passion. This rediscover of self has open up the floodgates for me to love hard, take emotional risks and maybe one day MISS HER.
No longer will I walk around chasing other people's expectations for me. That little boy wants to play and I won't do anything to stop him.
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