An Open Letter to Madison

I've imagined your face time and time again, written your name in my passwords, dreamed of how you will politely wipe your grits off your mouth instead of spitting like other children. And yet, amidst my dreams and faith that you'll be here with us soon, I forgot about you. And for that baby girl I'm sorry.

I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I became my own worst fear - the potentiation of fatherlessness to an underserving soul. It was there, between the shadows of doubt and confusion that I let my own mind begin to sink deeply into a place where you existed less and less - where time ran its course only to have you not appear in my life. 

I owe you my sincerest apologies. 

In fact, I'm better now. And my love for you is no different today than what it has ever been. I am more excited now about your first words (which should be daddy). Or your little embroidered blankets that will smell like you. Those cat eyes you will inherit from your mother. The silky, jet black curly hair that I'll learn to comb one day. The way you grab my cheeks and "zer-berk" me. Your first tooth. First step. First spelling bee. First Christmas. First birthday. First community service project. first trip out of the country. First time interacting with other babies your age. Graduations. Rites of Passage. Being a big sister to your brothers. Those daddy/daughter moments we'll share over and over again. 

All of it. 

I've decided that you and your mother are worth my faith, my belief that I can't see Marriage or fatherhood in my present but I know for a fact that it is in my future. 

I've decided to put in 100% so that, God-willing, I can get that much and potentially more out of this experience. It is true what they say "you get from something what you put into it." So I'm choosing to be all in. I have a ton of stuff to learn and a million more mistakes that I'll make. But I promise you I'm here for you. I'll work hard to make sure you have a life that other children envy. I'll work on myself so that you always see my smile careen through any situation - because, baby girl, I'm choosing the joy of faith rather than the despair of doubt. 

I look forward to meeting you. And I'm choosing to immortalize this contract between us so that I'll always have a reminder that I made the choice for family. 

Love you Madison, 

Daddy.