The Cognitive Dissonance of Forgiveness

–noun Psychology .

anxiety that results from simultaneously holding contradictory orotherwise incompatible attitudes, beliefs, or the like, as when onelikes a person but disapproves strongly of one of his or her habits

A phrase coined by Leon Festinger, a noted Psychologist, cognitive dissonance is a phenomenon that characterizes a person's mental state where what one believes is in opposition to their actions and feelings. It has become my excuse for people of the world who have told me that they are trustworthy and honest and that they show integrity but in actuality do the exact opposite.

I do this to avoid calling them FUCKING LIARS. 

Let's be totally clear about two things: 

1. I've lied before and have admitted it. 

2. I've lied before and will never admit it. 

I'm definitely not perfect - by any means. I've told my share of lies - both big and small - BUT the difference between me and most people out in the world is that I have an extremely difficult time lying to people who I know and love. My mom - haven't lied to her since I was 12. I just can't bring myself to do it. My friends - I never have a reason to be dishonest with them so it's never a matter of protocol. The guy on the corner who asks for my loose dollar - sir, you will get lied to. 

But I've inherited in this time, a bunch of people I who wear masks of trust, safety, and security - all to reveal how poor in character they really are as people. But why me? Sounds juvenile. But I'd really like to know why people think its okay to tell me lies just to "impress" me or to maintain an image. AND every single time, I've gone back and shown genuine forgiveness. 

However, as I enter into my first year of pharmacy school. my priorities have changed. My tolerance for the dumb shit is at an all time low. I know my purpose on this planet and I just don't have the time to share that with people who aren't worth my time. And yet, through forgiveness, I have come to realize that I show a great amount of cognitive dissonance! 

See, I forgive as an investment in my own forgiveness by God the father. I usually have to couple this with forgetting, letting go of all the anger, pain, heartache, feelings of distrust, etc. And yet, I have moments that, though i've forgiven these people, I want nothing to do with them. On the contrary, there have been some "friends" who have lied repeatedly and my heart just won't let me alienate them from my life. SHIT! 

Maybe I'm no better than those who experience cognitive dissonance. I happen to exhibit all the signs. Ugh. 

I just can't win. I guess I'll have to hold people at arm's length until they can prove themselves worthy of the title "friend."