An Ode to the Prince

I think about you.

Frequently. 

I want the best for you. And I've given you a name that represents strength and courage alongside care and compassion. 

My first heir. My legacy. 

To be honest, I still don't know what that means. But none of that matters. 

I want you to be highly educated, wise beyond your years, an advocate for those who are less fortunate and prolific beyond comparison. 

You'll have your mother's heart for people - entrenched with my love for the plight of humans. We want you to save and practice patience. Be kind but opinionated. Giving but diligent in your practice. Happy but in control of your emotions. 

I want you to be strong. Because I'm strong. 

You're the big brother to future creations. A lot rests on your shoulders. But I have full confidence that you'll lead the pack and make us proud. 

Be bold. 

Injustice is great. So fight with a tenacity that challenges it at every appearance. 

Explore the world. There so much to pray for, but even more to love. Sunsets, chocolate chip cookies, doodle bugs, playdoh, acai berries, Egyptian pigeons.... So much. My writings do it no justice. 

Love life. 

Make mistakes and learn from them. Know that ALL things work together for your good. You can't "lose" in this life. But make sure you live for the service of others and that you remain humble in your examination of yourself. 

I love you son. I love you because of your excitement to get here. I can't wait to meet you. We'll take it day by day. Though your mom and I have lofty goals for your life, I'm sure God's plan for you is simply amazing. 

Here's to your arrival. Your beginning. 

My heir. 

Brayden. 

Daddy loves you. Mommy loves you. But God loves you most. 

fin.

To Bean

That's what I call you. I know your real name though. And its just as amazing as you are going to be.

You have my skin tone, and your mother's features.

Hair as dark as night and a spirit as gentle as a calm wind. As a child, I would sit in the grass in my backyard and feel the earth beneath me and gaze at the clouds above me. I would just lay there in awe at how great this world is - and how small I am in it. It's that same feeling I get when I think about your existence. Love materialized into human form that is growing, developing every day.

I saw your dance for me. You're gifted - already. A natural performer. I promise to make sure that you have every opportunity to do any and everything that you want to do in this life. Because I just know you are going to be great.

Your heart beat is strong. Don't lose that. Don't lose your love for life - even in the midst of your mistakes and sins. God loves you and has placed you here for his glory. I'll do everything in my power to ensure that you grow up knowing that I'm your papa but that even when I'm gone to heaven you'll have built a firm relationship with your eternal Father. He'll see you through all your days.

I promise to love your mom, unconditionally. To show you what marriage is and how to achieve that for yourself one day. I'm still learning Bean. And I won't stop learning.

I can't wait to do Daddy-Bean sleep overs, days at the park, streetcar rides to the Aquarium, the zoo, and celebrate your birthday in such special ways. My heart just isn't big enough for the love I have for you.

Get ready to fall in love with music and art, languages and most of all, The Lord. I'll do my best to protect you from the world's harsh and unkind people. I hope to teach you to love your enemies and I know your mom will instill in you a genuine care and concern for others. I'm excited about that most.

We're a team, Bean. Never forget that. We'll have your back and we'll cheer you on in whatever it is you want to do in this world. In us, you can be yourself.

Mommy and Daddy love you.

We'll see you soon.

Papa

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

I'm listening to the words of the minister replay in my head - "The trials of today are shaping you into the triumph you'll have tomorrow." I gotta believe this right now because otherwise I'm gonna slump back into the cave I had walked out from a long time ago. I just have to believe that God can fix any problem that I have - as long as I put all my time and energy into doing so on my end. That he knows my heart is different than it was in the past. And that I can humble myself to make right any wrong I've caused.

Just this morning I prayed for God to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. I guess I've received an answer to my prayer.

Lord I have so far to go in understanding this life I'm living. I pray that you remove my ignorance and instill wisdom and knowledge, self-awareness and discernment. Allow me to always reflect preemptively on whether my actions will impact others negatively or if they are based on faulty assumptions. I need you now, Lord. Right now.

-Joh

C'est La Vie

I'm praying so hard to have an enjoyable, peaceful break. But I guess that prayer has fallen on God's deaf ear. hmph.....

It's November... so why not!?!

I've always loved November because it reminds me of how abundantly I have been blessed by God. It's one of those months that always re-centers me on what's important as well as draws me nearer to God. I'm still working building up a year-round attitude of gratitude, but I'm thankful for gentle reminders like November which nudge me into a mindset of appreciation.

With that being said, I've added more things to the list.

1. Friendship - God has given me a true friend to replace the many "yes men" and fake friends I've kept in the past. It's interesting because in a time before these friends, I was easy going, trusting and carefree. But I allowed other people's insecurities in invade my world. I let their half-friendship become an adaptation of mine. So I'm now re-learning how to be a friend and accept true friendship. Particularly, I am thankful for my friend and brother. He keeps me grounded and makes me self aware - even at times when I don't want to be. He gets me to the finish line time and time again, after I may stumble in the race of life. I honestly believe he is heaven sent - a gift of guidance and brotherly love left behind so that I can grow to one day be in a place that God can truly use me. So I thank God for giving me what I need when I need it and didn't know it. It truly makes me desire having a more genuine relationship with others. Not too many others, but a few more outstanding individuals in this world.

2. Pops - Gosh, I miss this guy. But strangely, I feel his presence everyday. The myriad of lessons that he taught me, the walls of my own ignorance that he challenged me to tear down, the wealth of inheritance he has bequeath me through his tough love, wisdom and foresight. I absolutely could not thank him enough. I truly believe that one day, i'll be a reflection of him to the world. What a mighty man of God he was. We'll meet him again, Pops. But in the meantime, I just thank God for his amazing patience and obedience to do what he was called to do before he had to leave this earth. He planted so many seeds of greatness in such a stubborn guy like myself. And I don't mean that in a cocky way. But I am literally STANDING in God's glory for my life! I'm just so thankful to God for him. My life is dedicated to making him proud.

3. My Father - Life events separated me from him early in life. But like any boy, I've always wanted to be just like my dad. In my adult life, I've learned, not only to forgive him, but to be thankful for him being a father to me and a great father-in-law to my wife. His huge heart never ceases to astound me. And his willingness to celebrate me as his son is enough to heal the wounds of the past and create a clean slate for the future. Whenever I have children, I really want them to know and love their granddad. He's a gentle giant who will give them the world. For this, I am truly grateful.

That's all folk.

Tis the season!

Saying thanks makes the difference

I gotta be honest - these posts have become very therapeutic to me. I have felt discouraged, stressed and doubtful in this last week. Reflecting on these posts have really redirected a lot of those feelings and reset my mind in a more positive direction. So, with that being said, here are some more points of gratitude.

1. LIFE Ministry - I've seen so many people believe in my vision for something that could truly change the lives of so many people. And I must admit, I've been more discouraged this week about the ministry than ever before. With so much else going on, I question sometimes if I can manage it all. But I am revitalized in my walk simply by reflecting on how people believe. They believe in me. They believe in God's ability to take this thing to unknown levels. They simply - believe. And that, for me, is enough. I've always had to believe in myself - regardless of the world around me. It's refreshing to have others truly believe in something you have been called to do. And for that, I'm thankful.

2. Trouble - As much as the childlike, care-free spirit in me hates and despises anything that represents trouble or strife, I've come to see how it has shaped me and continues to shape me into a stronger person.

3. Health - For as long as I can remember, I haven't had any major health concerns. A sprained ankle when I was a child, bronchitis for a moment in my teenage years, and a fever once every 15 years (I'm only 30!, lol). So I truly thank God above that he's given me such a true measure of health.

Okay, folk. That's all for now. Enjoy your Halloween. And pray my strength as I work yet another weekend and miss church again. *massive sigh*

fin.

Gratitude Continued

Day 2:

Today, I'd like to express gratitude for three new things. Here it goes:

1. My Mother - many times I reflect over my life and think about the one person who has held me down since day 1 and it undoubtedly has been my mom. She's strong, giving, passionate about what she does, and absolutely hilarious. I pray that I get half the spirit she was blessed with because then I'll be blessed beyond my comprehension. Words can not express the love I have for her. She's had my back - even in adulthood. My gratitude is endless for her.

2. Renewal - I went through a period of great loss in my life, after seemingly being the person in my friend-group who had amassed the most success. Though all material possessions, I had worked hard to create for myself a life that most 23 year olds (from my background) could never fathom. And, just like that, I was stripped down to bare bones. But God kept me through those times. He kept me and he's given me promises of renewal, this time around. I'm more detached from material things but I am excited to see God spill over in this period of renewal for my life.

3. Sound Mind - recently there have been so many suicides/attempts achieved by individuals only a few people personally removed from my knowing them. The sheer thought that tomorrow doesn't exist is frightening. I can't imagine believing the lie of the enemy in such a way that it makes me now want to live - and moreover, take my own life. So, I'm thankful for a sound mind. One that, even as the world crumbles around me, allows me to never consider the worst alternative. That is indeed a blessing.

I'm liking this experience.

fin.