A Call to Pharmacy

I was convicted yesterday. I have been doing this job thing all wrong. I used to wonder why God called me to pharmacy. (He did.) But now I see that in his calling me to this profession, he also has challenged me to be the best representation of his love, grace and mercy even within the realm of my profession.

I'm not gonna lie. Pharmacy, for me, has primarily been a financial escape - a 6 figure job that would allow me to live life at a level above my peers and even family. But what I read yesterday challenged me to look at this whole thing very differently. "God provides my meals and pays my bills." I stole that quote from a fellow pharmacist who worked with me in the hospital. I was a 4th year student extern then and he had just graduated and passed his boards. I thought it clever, but I see that it resonates completely differently now. Because the fact is that God truly is at the foundation of all my provided needs. I've been self-focused, looking at my profession through the lens of personal Godhood. I have sought to become my own provider instead of allowing God to be God. The God I preach about. The God who has held me from the very beginning. The God of my ancestors and my future lineage. I feel like this whole time I've been getting in his way.

But I'm praying a true prayer of submission. I want to refocus my mind so that I know if I trust in him and seek him first, he'll add to my life all the things I need AND want in ways I can't imagine.

Today, I'm starting over. Changing my mindset before I embark on a new perspective about my profession. How can Christ be made evident through Pharmacy? How can I utilize this special calling to positively impact those dependent on medication? How can I tap into God's healing power so that his presence and salvation bring those into the full knowledge of him/

I pray for God's answers to find me - renewed in my thinking and actions.

fin.

Death Day.

I sorta hate that I'm moved to write after a two year hiatus as a direct result of the pain I'm feeling and can't quite put into words right now. But I'm trying to find the words. Trying to make up the words, at least to describe to me - for me - this sadness I feel. A lot has happened in these past few years. I'm ordained. I just graduated with my Master of Divinity degree. I'm preaching more now. (Can you believe it?) I'm working my butt off and today I feel pressured to be strong, to stay strong while my family makes the decision to unplug life support from my great Uncle, we so affectionately call "Brotherman."

I sat on the phone with my cousin yesterday and just couldn't stop crying. It was the most pitiful cry I've had in a long time. It was like I was standing over myself pleading with myself to get it together. But I ignored myself and kept "ugly crying." I'm admittedly a cry-baby. Little things evoke the deepest emotion from me because I make unnecessary sentimental connections with everything. Or maybe they aren't unnecessary. Maybe just excessive. Either way, I'm a crier. But yesterday was an outpouring. Potentially, not just over the inevitable loss I was about to experience. But this deluge of memories that come pouring back into my mind.

I know God's will is perfect. It just isn't always pleasant. Right now, I'm accepting God's perfect will that feels unpleasant. That feels like simple battery. That feels like someone punched me in the stomach. On top of that I'm having to internalize the reckless words of hateful people. But I refuse to give that any more power in this blog because it isn't worth it.

God never intended for us to die. He never intended for us to experience the pain or anguish of death. Bodily decay and sickness were not his design. But we screwed up. He decided that when we would screw up, he'd send us a kinsman redeemer. Someone to make things right IN THE END. But the damage is done. We still all have to die. We still have to experience pain. We're prone to illness and disease. Heartbreak and hurt. And any glimpse of a resurrection in the bible that Jesus did was God momentarily resetting the natural order of things. Death is what's unnatural. And yet, here we are - dealing with it. I'm dealing - in the worst way possible. because I miss my uncle already.

I went to see him. He shook my hand and let me know that he heard my words of love. When I asked to pray he closed his eyes, held my hands tight and received God's blessing. I'll never forget that. Ever. I thank God that I made the decision to go to him. To see him before he was no longer able to recognize who I was or why I was there.

I guess ultimately, I'm content. But these memories keep warming my face, filling my eye sockets, and causing the absolutely heaviest of tears to fall down my face. This is life, though. Or Death, I should say. Who will hold up the banner for our family now? It's too much to think about.

Goodday.

Late night revelations

Haven't posted in a while but this revelation was too important not to document. So I'm jumping right back in:

There is a part of me that has healed - almost completely from the past toxic relationships I've had. I didn't realize how the stronghold had held me captive for such a long time. It made me afraid of trusting and believing in humanity fully.

However, just now, I was able to exhale - release it all to God. And tears started to build up in my eyes.

A part of me didn't realize just how deep my past has plagued my present. Another part of me felt relief from the revelation - a reinstatement of my faith in the permanence of special people in my life.

That's a huge blessing in itself.

God is moving. He's healing. He's reestablishing some things. I can feel it.

Thank you Lord.

I don't think you understand....

Though some of you might... But I am experiencing the happiest time of my life. It literally brings joyful tears to my eyes. I stare at my wife while she's asleep. I watch my son canvas a park or swimming pool. I listen to my heart beat strongly. My senses are keen. My mind is strong. I'm learning and growing. And I'm happy.

I reflect on those experiences with my friends of the past and I know what I was doing in that time was filling a void in my life with temporary moments of satisfaction. I drowned my sadness in alcohol. I kept myself busy with clubbing and partying. I was the king of the social scene but a peasant in my own happiness.

But these past years have been amazing. I've grown so much and I'm so proud of myself for that. I married one of the most intelligent, beautiful, perfect (for me), amazing women in the world. She's my best friend. And I'm learning what it means to be vulnerable and strong and proud and proactive and everything else great that women bring into a man's life - because of her. And on top of it all, she raises my son with such an enthusiasm and fun spirit. Shoot, I have to up my game! lol

These are amazing times and I'm blessed that they won't ever stop.

I don't think you all can understand. There are words in this language to really explain it. So, I'll leave my attempt at this simple blog entry.

I pray everyone is out there feeling love and happiness. It's the absolute best feeling in the world.

Hump Day Success

With the guidance and experience of my wife, today, I was able to work my first real estate deal successfully! I'm pretty proud of myself and more proud of my wife. The saying goes "the student is a direct reflection of the teacher." I am humble enough to see that my wife's wisdom in this area was something I needed to draw from, something I could use my adaptability and listening skills to strengthen the partnership and MAKE THE DEAL!

I feel like this is the beginning of a very successful future in teaming up to make a lot of great deals!

Here's to WINNING.

fin.

It. Is. Done.

Graduation. The day I had imagined for many years. The answered prayer to a leap of faith that I took 5 years ago when I left a job a loved and challenged myself beyond what I ever could have imagined. The opened door to my family's financial stability. The ending to a story of struggle. The day came and went and I'm so thankful to God for allowing me to see it!

I did it!

The day - though it didn't materialize like I would have wanted it - was actually so much more beautiful and awesome than what I had conjured in my mind. It was met with so much excitement, a small bit of anxiety, and pride in my creation. I had my favorite coffee beverage to energize my early morning commute to the convocation center. And from then on, I rode the beautiful high that accomplishing a huge goal brings. (I later sat with a full bladder during the program - but that's not really the point. Lesson learned. haha)

There are some experiences in this life that I feel like I fell into or agreed to take part in to the pleasing of others. But Pharmacy was a conscious choice of my own. It was a bold step in the direction of what was uncomfortable, just out of my reach. But I decided to put my fears aside and trust that if I did my part, God would provide increase for me where I was weak. Sure enough, he has carried me through the tough times!

I left every ounce of myself in that pharmacy school. Every bit of energy. My time. My talents. My essence. I made sure that when granted an opportunity to chase my dreams I would pay it forward by exhausting myself in every aspect of that experience. There was not one organization that I wanted to join that I wasn't a part of. No research opportunity, conference or health fair went without my involvement. I literally did it all!

I have NO regrets.

Maybe that's why I feel so fulfilled within the realm of pharmacy. Because I emptied myself out and was given so much refueling in return. I feel prepared to come into my own as a clinical pharmacist. I feel confident in my clinical knowledge. And I'm excited to give so much of myself to the profession.

Here's to making so many solid connections over the years. To meeting the most amazing, dynamic, professional, intelligent individuals on the planet.

Make a spot for me in the annals of time. Because I'm about to make a difference in this world!

I present to you all: Mr. Johmyrin J. Johnson, BS, M.B.A., PharmD

Watch out!

An Ode to the Prince

I think about you.

Frequently. 

I want the best for you. And I've given you a name that represents strength and courage alongside care and compassion. 

My first heir. My legacy. 

To be honest, I still don't know what that means. But none of that matters. 

I want you to be highly educated, wise beyond your years, an advocate for those who are less fortunate and prolific beyond comparison. 

You'll have your mother's heart for people - entrenched with my love for the plight of humans. We want you to save and practice patience. Be kind but opinionated. Giving but diligent in your practice. Happy but in control of your emotions. 

I want you to be strong. Because I'm strong. 

You're the big brother to future creations. A lot rests on your shoulders. But I have full confidence that you'll lead the pack and make us proud. 

Be bold. 

Injustice is great. So fight with a tenacity that challenges it at every appearance. 

Explore the world. There so much to pray for, but even more to love. Sunsets, chocolate chip cookies, doodle bugs, playdoh, acai berries, Egyptian pigeons.... So much. My writings do it no justice. 

Love life. 

Make mistakes and learn from them. Know that ALL things work together for your good. You can't "lose" in this life. But make sure you live for the service of others and that you remain humble in your examination of yourself. 

I love you son. I love you because of your excitement to get here. I can't wait to meet you. We'll take it day by day. Though your mom and I have lofty goals for your life, I'm sure God's plan for you is simply amazing. 

Here's to your arrival. Your beginning. 

My heir. 

Brayden. 

Daddy loves you. Mommy loves you. But God loves you most. 

fin.